PEACE IN THE HOME, Part V

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."  (Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche)

 

Let the Games Begin!

 

 This phrase is usually used to announce the beginning of a sporting competition.  I mean, I could as easily have said “play ball,” but that phase is not as poetic. When many of us said “I DO” it meant the same thing: “Let the competition begin.”  Early in our marriages partners begin vying and competing for superiority in even the very smallest things.  We congratulate ourselves and criticize our spouses about personality traits and cultural differences that are part of what attracted us to them in the first place.

 

I often catch myself pressing to be “right” or “better” in relation to my husband in a circumstance where it hardly matters at all who “wins”.  Sometimes when I counsel a couple I suspect that each partner thinks I will award gold stars at the end of the session.  (I once had a wife smugly display her well-written homework to me each week knowing full well that her husband had scrawled his on a scrap of paper stuffed in his back pocket.)  Whether this trait is rooted in sibling rivalry, some childhood pressure for performance, or just plain ole pride, it is unbecoming to watch in public and destructive to the peace of the union when practiced in private. 

 

Sparring between spouses demonstrates, I think, a breach of the rules of friendship.  A good friend must overcome the twinges of envy and urges to compare and compete, in order to support and encourage the victories of the other.   A good friend seeks the success of the other, even at her own expense.

“Lord: teach us to be “friends” to our Husbands.”

READY TO WED

The One-Flesh Relationship

     For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 2:23-25(NIV)

 

As my husband and I celebrate our Forty-fifth Anniversary I consider again God’s plan for marriage.  It was God’s intention that marriage would be permanent between two people who have a “one-flesh relationship”.  The implication of one flesh is that nothing could be good for only one of them.  By definition, no single person in the marital relationship could consider ‘good’ that which did harm to the other.  The very idea would be silly if we applied it to our understanding of our own bodies.  Imagine doing something good for one part of the body that does damage to another part.  When we are considering a new prescription we immediately want to know the ‘side effects’.  If they are substantial wewant to be sure that the whole body eventually benefits.  If we cannot foresee in our actions the potential harm to the marital union we must be ready to put things right as soon as we discover it.

 

If God believed this was possible why do we set out to prove Him wrong?  We must remember that his plan only came into question after the Fall when the prince of this world caused men’s (and women’s) hearts to harden toward each other.  Lifelong marriage is possible because God said it is. 

 

Jesus continually makes mention of marriage and the bridegroom so that we can understand that this relationship was designed to work. It is compared to His relationship with the church so that we will know that it can work only when the relationship has God as its center and its focus.  How else would we overcome our persistent, pervasive, relentless selfishness - our desire to please ourselves at the expense of everything else.  We must depend on God as the source of that love that will enable us not only to stay married, but to stay passionately, intimately, and enthusiastically married until death parts us.

Ready to Wed

TIME ALONE

Being alone, unattached, single, according to I Corinthians 7, gives a person the opportunity to be “concerned about the Lord’s affairs, how he can please the Lord,” and be “devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.”  The time before we marry should not be wasted since it may well be the time God uses to prepare for marriage.  For what is more important in marriage than knowing how to please the Lord?  The Lord is pleased when we are obedient.  And according to His Word we learn this best when we are alone.   

 

What are the things we learn when we are alone that serve us in our future marriage and as the Bride of Christ?  At the urging of the Holy Spirit, who leads us into all truth, we can learn about ourselves.  We are all afflicted with an inability to see ourselves accurately.  We carry with us all of the personal characteristics that threaten to cause difficulties in marriage.  These personal flaws are alive and well by the time we are marriageable age.   The kinks in our character, as well as our sinful adaptations to our past have already been formed.  We live easily with them as single women.  When we consider marriage we must choose to allow the light of the Holy Spirit to expose them.  If we skip this step these flaws will be revealed as we try to live in intimate relationship with our spouse and children.  In our time alone, with prayer and submission, our short-comings will gradually be exposed so that we can seek the Lord’s will in removing them.  This humbling process prepares us to be better wives if only by making us more patient with the flaws of others. 

 

First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.  (Matthew 7:5NIV)

 

PERSONAL WALK

The Folly of Perfectionism

 

Recently, my granddaughter ran into my room exclaiming, “Omigosh, I forgot to number the pages in my manuscript.  Now I have to number them by hand.  Do you think it will look terrible?”In her 15-year-old world this was an error of epic proportions even though this draft of her “novel” was only going to a friend to be critiqued and edited.

 

I smiled to myself as I reassured her that no one expected perfection on this copy.  I was amused because this situation brought to mind the many times I have tried to be perfect, only to realize later that some small glitch had escaped my scrutiny.  What agony! Many of the women I spend time with have the same unforgiving inner monitors constantly reminding them of their flaws, shortcomings and weaknesses.  Our angst is caused in part by the ruthless expectations we have of ourselves. How hard it is for us to accept ourselves the way we are.  And we are often surrounded by people who reinforce the “You’re not perfect” mantra already resounding in our ears.

 

What does God think of all this self-flagellation? I reminded myself as I reassured my granddaughter.  Psalm 103 gives us a hint of God’s view of us.

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 9 He will not always  accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; 12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed  our transgressions from us. 13 As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; 14 for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. (NIV)

Dust!  How foolish we can be.  We are not a "do-it-yourself" project -- we are dust in the hands of the Master Craftsman.  He remembers.  If we remember we will save ourselves great anguish.  Let us allow ourselves to be crafted as the Creator desires without requiring perfection of ourselves.

 

PEACE IN THE HOME, Part IV

Make Peace with your Children

 

     “But we behaved gently when we were among you, like a devoted mother nursing and cherishing her own children. So, being thus tenderly and affectionately desirous of you, we continued to share with you not only God's good news (the Gospel) but also our own lives as well, for you had become so very dear to us.” I Thess 2:7-8 (AMP)

Do you hear the joy of sacrifice expressed by the writer of this passage?  He modeled and compared his apostolic ministry to being a mother. Mothering offers you the opportunity to share your love, your skills, your passions, your Faith, and your very self with your children.  Aside from your relationship with Christ there is nothing to compare to it.  Christ gives to his followers, they receive from Him, and they give to others out of that abundance. Allow the reality of the scriptures to help you to be peaceful in your relationship with your children.  Mothering means sharing all that you have and all that you are with your children.  What a blessed opportunity!

        1.  Make your relationship clear. You are their parent; they are your children.

         It is amazing the confusion that is caused when this basic fact is overlooked.  Sometimes our children seem so charming or amusing or demanding that we try to ‘win’ them as we would a desired friend.  Loving children means making sure that we always regard them as children, constantly in need of encouragement, guidance and correction.  If we try to be a friend or buddy we neglect the primary relationship – the one designed by God for the perpetuation of mankind.  No one can be a better mother to them than you.  Children of all ages need their parents to be their parents.

        2.  Make time to listen as well as to talk. You need to know what your children think.

        We are encouraged to seek the “teachable moments” to share God’s precepts with our children.  Take every opportunity to teach what is good.  (Deut.11:19)  But, you will find there is more peace in your home if you also listen often enough to know what your children think. Listening to them will let you know  whether your instruction “took” and where more teaching may be needed.  Some moms are so quick to say what they think that they miss the moment. 

               

        My pastor’s wife modeled a wonderful way to keep her children talking to her.  She would respond, “Really!” and “Wow!” and “How about that!” at appropriate intervals while they related a story or experience.  Then she would ask “What do you think about that?”, “What would you have done?”, or “How did that make you feel?”  These non-judgmental comments encourage children to share their thoughts. Pray for wisdom as you plan a talk about the character issues or biblical principles involved in the stories they related.  Keep communication lines open.

        3.  Make sure you do not provoke your children to anger.

        Colossians 3:21 instructs fathers, but mothers should heed this caution,too.  Many of the things we do and say without thinking can cause our children hurt and anger.  Chief among these is comparing them to others.  We also divulge their confidences, criticize their efforts, belittle their dreams, and make jokes at their expense.  Children have little use for sarcasm, irony, or hostility – our communication with them should be straight-forward.  Don’t take every opportunity to be right. Bragging,threatening, complaining, and impatience can all cause a wound to your child’s spirit, and cause the coldness of discouragement to develop between you. 

        4.  Make time for your children.

        I know it seems that they take all your time, but it doesn’t feel that way to them.  Children need a time of your undivided attention – a predictable time, if possible.  Make a date for time alone with each child.  Occasionally this should be an hour or an afternoon, sometimes twenty minutes will do.  If you set a time your child will not feel he needs to demand time from you. This will help you develop a more peaceful relationship.  In his book, How to Really Love Your Child (Signet, 1977), Ross Campbell recommends eye contact, physical contact, and focused attention as the keys to communicating love to your children. 

        5.  Make a point to forgive and ask for forgiveness quickly. (Include your husband in this one.)

        Do not allow anger, hurt or disappointment to hang around too long in your living space.  Unforgiveness contaminates the environment like old garbage.  The people in your home should be able to count on instant, perpetual  forgiveness, taking into account that no one is perfect. This is a discipline not easily cultivated.  If your child offends you clear the air quickly.  Do not use “the silent treatment” as a form of discipline.  Likewise, if you have sinned against your child, do not allow pride to keep you from confessing and asking forgiveness. Teach your children to forgive one another quickly.

        6.  Make every effort to simplify your job description.

       Much of the stress that steals our peace and joy is caused by our “heavy burden”.  We take upon ourselves a yoke of expectations, requirements and duties that do not belong to us. God requires that we give our children love, limits, structure, and safety (protection) on a day to day basis.  We must do our job but He is still in charge of how it turns out.  I used to calm my fretful self by thinking, “What would I do if my sister dropped her children off for the day?”  I would not be worried about how they would “turn out”.  I would give them appropriate loving care and attention and give them back to her at the end of the day.  That is what God asks us to do.  Does that sound simpler than what you are doing now?

 

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Phil.4:3-6

 

PLANTATION II

Freeing Others

The Plantation is the place we are relegated to if we allow our feelings to keep us from God’s best.  Our wounds and fear of injury imprison us and make us believe there is no hope.  I have been asked by women how to help their friends and daughters off the plantation.

 

The best way to help someone off the plantation is to lead her off.  Think of any other dangerous situation: would it be better for you to stay behind to comfort her or lead her out? We would never have heard of Sojourner Truth if her sympathy for others had led her to stay behind to help. Once you truly know the way out you will be able to help others find their way.  If your friend is in distress your real job is not protecting her from life, but preparing her for it.   

 

I sent my daughter to a small private school.  One day she told me she thought her teacher was prejudiced.  I froze, guilty and terrified, but I managed to say nothing.  LaterI prayed and cried out to God.  I knew I could not help her if I were disabled.  I could not allow her to think the feelings this generated set limits on her life.  The next time she mentioned it I was ready.  I said, “Oh, Holly.  No one gets through school without meeting prejudice.  People will prejudge if you are too smart, too dumb; too fat, too thin; too tall, too short, too pretty, not pretty; whatever.  It is part of your education. You just have to figure out what to do about it.”  She said “I am the best in that class.  I am going to keep on being the best in that class.”  We spent lots of time together discovering ways to deal with the feelings brought on by injustice.  She learned how to respond and when to let God do it for her. She had to know she could survive.

 

To help a loved one, get yourself off the plantation.  Teach her to let her feelings inform her, not direct her.  It is only a feeling – we won’t die if we refuse to express it or act on it. 

 

HIDING SIN IN CIRCUMSTANCES (from February 6, 2006)

The Pleasures and Perils of Teaching

 

“It’s a very ancient saying, but a true and honest thought, that if you become a teacher, by your pupils you’ll be taught.” (The King and I)

 

 “Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.”  (James 3:1 NIV)

 

When I prepare to teach I know that a test is coming on my own life.  God will not allow me to teach stale material, lacking fresh humility.  As I listened to my class last night, I became aware of my own sins in the area of rudeness and disrespect to my husband.  He has recently begun to work from home and I have found his intrusion into my life unsettling.  He has the habit of surrounding himself with sound.  As he moves from room to room the noise goes with him, one TV after another, a discordant stereophonic symphony.  It is not the sounds of mindless music, or even recycled sitcoms, that surround him.  It is endless "the-sky-is-falling" political commentary spoken with urgency out of dark-suited talking heads, experts of every ilk and inclination, beginning every sentence with “I think”. 

 

I chose to allow this atmosphere of surround-sound soup to be my excuse for being terse, rude, and unkind to my husband, assuming that he would somehow know how disturbing his habit was to me. Then, I taught my Wives class.  As I prayed my way home last night, I knew that God was not pleased.  I repented and waited for the “God” moment.  Feeling the release, that sense of peace that God had heard my cries, I waited until this morning and asked my husband if we could talk. God had prepared the way, and my husband listened patiently as I asked his forgiveness and explained my situation. (He even put off a business call so that I could finish!)  He promised to more carefully observe my “Monday’s Off” rule (our weekends are grueling).  He also agreed that I could work in my office space in the bedroom and he would use his laptop in the back room recently vacated by my mother-in-law.  We can close two doors between us. 

 

Not all issues are that easy to resolve, but we will all answer for our behavior, now, and at the time of judgment.  Circumstances are not an excuse.  How easy it is to hide our sins behind them.  It is like a child covering his eyes with his hands and believing no one can see him.