COMMUNICATIONS V

Culture Wars

                                                                      

Several years ago I participated in an exercise designed to help Christian workers understand the process of bringing the Word of God to a foreign culture.  The first characteristic that was required of a new missionary was humility.  The second attribute was an attitude of submission.  The third was a quality of teachability.  In other words once you had demonstrated respect for who they were, submitted to their lifestyle, and communicated a desire to learn from them, you were ready to attempt to teach, that is, present the Gospel. Sadly, none of these qualities is easily attained; the flesh resists them.

 

I was reminded of this a few weeks ago when the Wives Club was discussing struggles with difficult in-laws.  When we marry each of us is joined to a foreign culture (unless you marry a sibling, which is forbidden in most of the world.)  In order to enter safely and have a chance of being accepted, these same characteristics, humility, submission, and teachability, are essential. 

 

It is amazing how highly God esteems humility and how little regard we who love Him have for it.  In many cultures some form of bow, curtsy, genuflect, or kneeling is expected upon meeting or greeting someone or entering their home.  Bowing indicates respect for the culture and position of the other and submission to the authority of that home.  Americans do not bow on the outside, but, as Christians, we would do well to learn to bow on the inside.  This sacrifice of our position and power to that of another for the sake of love can be the first step to acceptance when meeting new acquaintances or dealing with in-laws.  Failure to do so can lead to rifts that can last a lifetime. 

 

If you put yourself above others, you will be put down. But if you humble yourself, you will be honored.Matthew 23:11-13 CEV

 

Blessed and Highly Favored

(This article was first posted on 5/26/2006)

 

On a recent TV show, lovely young women who aspired to be fashion models were warned, “When you are a top model you are always a top model, not just on the runway or in front of the camera.  There are phone cameras and Polaroid cameras and digital cameas everywhere.  Someone is always watching you.  No matter how you feel, sick or well, happy or sad, rich or broke, you’re a Top Model!!  You have to pay attention to your hair, your make-up and what you wear.  You have to look like a top model, act like a top model, sound like a top model, no matter what!”  This was an interesting notion.   For many centuries royalty around the world trained their children that they were always royalty no matter where they were.  They should always look and act like royalty.  The "crown" must not be embarrassed.

 

In a Wives Club session a few weeks ago we were discussing situations where members were offended, ignored or treated badly by co-workers, employers, relatives and in-laws.  Searching for biblical responses to this kind of suffering, it occurred to me that the rules for models and royal offspring certainly apply to us.  We Christian wives were chosen by the Creator of the Universe, are children of the Most High, a royal priesthood, and heirs with the Prince of Heaven to the throne of God.  No matter where we are, who we are with, or how we feel, our appearance, speech, attitude, and actions reflect that we know we are Christian women, daughters of the King.  We willingly submit to the training required for that position.

 

This is what Peter meant when he reminded wives who we are.  He says, “But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example that you should follow in his steps.” 1Pet. 2:20(b)-21(NIV)

 

“Lord help us to know how to represent you in whatever we suffer. Amen”

 

Ready to Wed

(This article was first posted in Aug 2006)
The One-Flesh Relationship

     For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 2:23-25(NIV)

 

As my husband and I celebrate our Forty-fifth Anniversary I consider again God’s plan for marriage.  It was God’s intention that marriage would be permanent between two people who have a “one-flesh relationship”.  The implication of one flesh is that nothing could be good for only one of them.  By definition, no single person in the marital relationship could consider ‘good’ that which did harm to the other.  The very idea would be silly if we applied it to our understanding of our own bodies.  Imagine doing something good for one part of the body that does damage to another part.  When we are considering a new prescription we immediately want to know the ‘side effects’.  If they are substantial wewant to be sure that the wholebody eventually benefits.  If we cannot foresee in our actions the potential harm to the marital union we must be ready to put things right as soon as we discover it.

 

If God believed this was possible why do we set out to prove Him wrong?  We must remember that his plan only came into question after the Fall when the prince of this world caused men’s (and women’s) hearts to harden toward each other.  Lifelong marriage is possible because God said it is. 

 

Jesus continually makes mention of marriage and the bridegroom so that we can understand that this relationship was designed to work. It is compared to His relationship with the church so that we will know that it can work only when the relationship has God as its center and its focus.  How else would we overcome our persistent, pervasive, relentless selfishness - our desire to please ourselves at the expense of everything else.  We must depend on God as the source of that love that will enable us not only to stay married, but to stay passionately, intimately, and enthusiastically married until death parts us.

Communications IV Fight Right!

Fight Right!

 

In the old Chevy Chase movie, National Lampoon’s European Vacation, Chevy drives his family into a traffic circle in Paris in the morning, and when the stars come out he still hasn’t figured out how to drive out of the circle.  We watch them go around and around and around.  Some of our interactions with loved ones are like that. Something sets off a series of events and then you go round and round and round.  Most families have these patterns. We don’t realize that all of our fights look alike. I call it the Cycle of Interaction.  Below is a familiar scene:

 

Husband and wife, preparing to leave for work.

W.  “Please put Jacob’s sweater on him before you take him to day care.  I think it is going to be chilly at recess time”

H.  “Okay”

W. (on phone) “Did you put his sweater on?” 

H. “Yes I did”

W.  “Are you sure you did it?”

H.; “Yeesss”

W. Which one?

H.  “Look I don’t know which one.  You asked me to do it. I did it.”

W.  I just want to know.  I don’t want my baby to be cold. You know how easily he catches cold!!

H. “You don’t have to ask me a hundred times!  I am not an idiot!  Anyway, you coddle him too much!  That’s why he gets sick all the time!

 W. “How can you say that.  I am the one who is up with him all night.”

EXPLOSION!

 

Many things are at work here.  If the couple examines their pattern they will discover that there are several exits around this cycle on the way to the explosion.  1. Wife specifies which sweater 2. Wife trusts husband to comply with her wishes. 3. Husband recognizes and is sympathetic to his wife’s anxiety; reassures her. 4. Wife understands that her questioning has offended her husband and apologizes. 5. Husband avoids responding with the personal attack on his wife’s mothering ability. 6. Wife, in prayer, places her child in God’s hands since she cannot protect him at all times.

 

There are probably others I have missed, but you get the idea. Try to find the exits yourself with the scene below.

 

H. “You know, we are going to have to watch our expenses for a while.  These gas prices are killing us.”

W. (Not looking up) “Uh-huh”

H.  “We need to tighten our belts”

W. (Not looking up) “Um-humm.”

H. “Do you hear me?  You can’t just keep spending.  We have to stay within the budget. Do you understand?

W. Yeh.

H. “I am trying to talk to you!!”

W. “Why are you shouting. I said “yes.” Why do you always get so upset.”

H.  “I am not getting upset!! You are upsetting me!!!

W. “But I haven’t said anything.  I am not yelling at you.

EXPLOSION!!!!

 

Get it?  Now try it with one of your own family scenes.

For,

"Whoever would love life and see good days
   must keep his tongue from evil
      and his lips from deceitful speech.
       He must turn from evil and do good;
      he must seek peace and pursue it. Peter 3:10-11(NIV)

COMMUNICATION III

Something New

Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (1 Peter 3:4 NIV)

 

At a recent meeting the wives were discussing how often we say unnecessary things to our husbands. It seems most of us feel compelled to tell them when they have “slipped up”.  You know, things like:  You forgot to get the milk.  Why did you buy that color?  When are you going to fix the curtain rod?  You never remember anything I ask you to do. You always leave things till the last minute.

 

What would happen, we wondered, if we just didn't mention it?  One woman who was very new to the group decided she this was an area she wanted to correct.  Her gracious Heavenly Father gave her a chance to try it as soon as she got home from the meeting.  As she put her key in the door the faint aroma of burnt food wafted toward her.  Oh, no!  she thought.  My sauce!  She had given her husband instructions to rescue the sauce she had left simmering on the stove.  Images of her usual reaction to such an event flashed through her mind.  But, she wanted to try something new.

 

In the kitchen she found her husband attempting to clean up the mess.  She took a deep breath and greeted him warmly.  She put her things away and returned to the kitchen to help him.  His expression of horror slowly turned to relief as she scrubbed the pot and chatted about her meeting and his evening with their son. 

 

They were together when they happily related this story to me.  She reported that she had experienced a sense of joy for the rest of that evening.  To my surprise, he reported that after the initial shock, his wife’s reaction actually strengthened him.  I am not going to pretend that I understand that comment, but it seemed to hold all kinds of benefits for his wife that she could never have expected from her “usual reaction”.  I could sense a new closeness between them.

 

Since our usual reactions don’t usually work, we might as well try something new.

 

 

 

COMMUNICATION II

GETTING THE MESSAGE

 

My husband used to be a little withdrawn if I came home later than he did.  Our conversation would be strained for a bit.  I never understood this.  I thought he was being controlling and self-centered and did not appreciate how busy my days are.  I would actually dread coming in after him.  Who needs this!  After all, his hours were very erratic and I have never complained!

 

One day I came home from an evening church meeting and found the young woman who lived with us sitting in her car outside.  She had come from the same church meeting.  As she got out of her car to walk in with me I asked what she was waiting for.  “I was waiting for you,” she said.  “I knew you were right behind me but I didn’t want to go in without you.  I didn’t want to have to explain where you were.”  Okay, now I really don’t get it.

 

The next day I took my husband’s car for a doctor’s appointment because my van was too tall for the underground garage.  Returning home I turned the cornerof my street and saw the top of my green van in our driveway at the end of the street.  I felt a sense of relief mixed with delight.  “He’s home!” I thought.  Instantly I understood!

 

I greeted my husband and told him the experience I had just had.  “Yeh,” he said with an embarrassed smile.  “When I turn the corner and see your van I know everything is all right.  When it isn’t there I start to wonder where you are and when you will get here and if you are safe.  It changes my mood.  I know it’s silly but I can’t help it. I’ve been away all day and I just need to see you.”

 

How easy it had been for me ascribe negative motives to his very normal, very loving reaction.  Once we had talked about it I tried harder to be home when he arrived and he tried harder to understand when I wasn’t. 

 

My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.  Song of Solomon 2:14 (NIV)

 

 

COMMUNICATION I

Guarding Marriage

Every marriage is in danger if communication is not carefully guarded.  That sometimes means being careful not to respond out of hurt feelings, wounded pride, or thoughts of desperation.  Once when my husband and I were going through a rough patch we were having protracted heated discussions.  This took place over a period of weeks whenever the children were out of earshot.  At one point, in complete exhaustion my husband said, “I don’t know.  Maybe marriages like ours (career military) just can’t make it.”  

 

Actually, several marriages in our circle had recently broken up.  I realize now that if I had responded out of pride or hurt or fear we would have been in serious trouble.  I also realize now that my husband’s comment was an expression of his fears.  But I just turned into a crazy woman.  “What are you talking about?”  I screamed.  “No one and nothing outside the two of us is going to determine how long we stay married.  This marriage is not up for grabs.  It does not belong to the Marine Corps: itbelongs to us.  What is happening now is not a threat to our marriage because we are not giving that up.  We just have to find a way to work through this but it has nothing to do with our staying married!”  I was literally shrieking at him, as close up as I could get.  I was protecting the most important thing in my (natural) life: my marriage!  As I held on to him I saw what looked like relief in his face.  Until that moment he wasn’t sure how much trouble we were in.  He was from a broken home and he wanted to know if I was giving up.  By suggesting that this problem could end our marriage, he had put it all in perspective for me. 

 

Wives, sometimes we are the guardians of our marriages.  Take a stand for the marriage and assume that everything else can be worked out.  It may not turn out that way but it is the best place to start.