Getting Past Your Past

Face it – marriage is not what most of us expected. And we are not well prepared for it. But, we take our vows and there it is-- an unexpected adventure for two novice explorers. Many of us have previously experienced and witnessed only the worst that the marriage voyage has to offer.

Once we are married, we are obligated to commit to God's view of the journey. The dangers of that commitment surround us at every turn, but our relationship with God requires that we trust him "though he slay us". We may not erect walls of self-protection, but must place our lives in His hands as He does what He pleases in and through us. It is the natural thing to try to protect ourselves from the pains we have previously suffered at the hands of others we have trusted. But while we are looking that way, Satan attacks from another direction.

The experiences of our past often inform us in ways that are not useful. We resist trusting in God’s ways because of past hurts. It is hard to recall that it was not God who betrayed us but the "hardness of men's hearts." It is distressing how our past wounds can cause us to "halt between two opinions," trying to decide whether to follow God, who knows the way on this journey, or to resort to our own flawed devices. Some of us have allowed bitter roots to form within us that keep us from committing fully to another human being. These must be exposed for the ineffective protection they are, through prayer, counsel and self-confrontation.

One of the mysteries of marriage is what God can do through us if we follow and obey Him. My prayer for every married woman is that she trust God with her husband and her marriage, and attempt as much as possible to bring her thoughts and behavior into alignment with what the word has to say. As scary as that may be, it is the only way with a promise. .
! Peter 3:5-6 (NIV) . . .like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

@Tina Green 2007

Safe Travel

When you jump in your car to make a trip or run an errand you are trusting that the vehicle that you carefully maintain is in good and safe condition. As you drive down the road you are careful. You make every effort to obey the rules of the road and make wise, prudent decisions. You are depending on the other motorists to do the same. Yet, you have no control over their actions, their decisions, or the condition of their equipment. No doubt, in your prayer time you have placed in God's hands those things that are outside the range of your influence. And so you continue on your way.

I was thinking about this a while ago when I attended a women's meeting. On the subject of submission someone offered that wives are only expected to submit to their husbands as their husbands submit to God. That sounds like a sensible approach to a process (submission) that holds so much potential danger.

And yet, a study of the Word does not support this conclusion. When a wife obeys the instructions of God she is in much the same position as when she drives her car. She can only control the vehicle she is driving. Whether or not the other drivers are being as diligent as she does not change her responsibility to adhere to the rules of safe travel. If "submission" is a rule of safe travel for wives we must follow that rule, entrusting to God all of those things that are outside our range of influence. The condition of our husbands' relationship with God is not a condition of our obedience to the Word. Trusting God, we submit, and continue on our way.

Tina Green, 2010

What's an Older Woman to Do?

What's an Older Woman to Do?

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Titus 2:3-5 NIV

In the 1960s there were several revolutions that changed American society forever. While I am grateful for many of the outcomes those great movements accomplished I grieve the loss of what I will call “a sense of individual responsibility.” In the marriage relationship, for instance, equal has become same, same has become together, together has become reciprocal, and reciprocity has led to a mandatory fifty-fifty division of labor. Role definitions have become blurred beyond recognition. I am afraid that in that climate individual responsibility can be avoided if “my partner does not do his/her part.”

Before the revolutions, women’s magazines contained articles and stories about how to be a wife that were very useful. They would probably send today’s woman screaming from the room. In 1961 I was given a book titled "The Marine Officer’s Wife" (I was one) that sounded like instructions for a medieval serving wench. But, we may have thrown away some of the baby with the bathwater when we all became more enlightened.

Those books and magazines had helped us understand that “wife” really is, among other things, a job title. There are ways responsible wives should or should not behave regardless of the circumstances surrounding them. We must acknowledge that there is special power in owning your job description and submitting to the requisite training. It is this that makes firemen run toward a fire, makes paratroopers jump out of planes, makes a nurse or doctor touch the patient despite the damage and disease. A wife is a Wife. She needs to embrace the job, the job description, and the training. Since the revolution the training has been a hard thing to come by.

Some of the confusion is understandable. The terms “couple” and “one-flesh” certainly suggest the connection between two people united in marriage. “Marriage counseling” is usually defined as “couples counseling.” How can we work on the marriage if we can’t get both partners to come in? But that is only defines part of the relationship..

A few years ago I gave a talk at a women’s conference and women began to call to talk to me about their marriages. Some of these women were behaving very badly in response to the bad behavior of their husbands. It seemed unwise to allow a woman to believe she could not change her behavior or her circumstances unless she could get her husband to cooperate.

Looking carefully at Scripture I found that there were no provisos, no reciprocity, no quid pro quo. Each person was expected to behave according to the instructions, the job description, written for them in the Word regardless of the behavior of the other spouse

So, a woman would come to see me. She would tell me about her husband’s behavior. Some of these stories were agonizing to listen to, but I refused to be overwhelmed by the tale. (This assumes there is no physical abuse.) Then I would ask about her behavior. We would determine what God wanted her to do, and I would send her off to do that. Invariably, if she persevered with all diligence she would report a difference in her situation. She would have changed the only person on earth she has the power to change. Herself!

This is not a guarantee that all marriages can be saved or even improved. But if a woman takes responsibility for her own behavior something changes. My work at this time focuses on helping women understand how to be a Wife. I try to pass on the training that keeps them from being dragged around by their emotions, their circumstances, or their limitations, or the behavior or shortcomings of others. I would like to begin a new revolution that elevates marriage to its rightful place in our hearts and minds. I am starting with women because I know them best. Besides, I have to start somewhere, before everyone forgets what marriage looks like.

The Apology

The Apology

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24(NIV)

I am learning to apologize. This is not such a simple matter. There are two sides to forgiveness: giving it and asking for it. Turns out neither is easy or comes naturally. And, the Word of God raises a high standard either way. Usually when we realize we have offended someone we begin to justify our words or actions. We search ourselves to see if we did anything wrong. Having cleared ourselves, we decide that other person, our friend, neighbor, or loved one, should not have been offended for we meant no harm.

If we didn’t do anything wrong then we have no responsibility for our victim’s condition. They are too sensitive and should develop a tougher hide. No one else would have reacted so irrationally to such a small event. Why all the fuss? And, anyway, they have done this or that to us many times.

If we offer an apology with this attitude it is not likely to be effective. One of the worst and most used of all apologies is the If I apology. It goes “I am sorry if I offended you” instead of “I’m sorry that I offended you.” The latter accepts responsibility; the former suggests the victim has some mental or perceptual defect. It is difficult for us to see how we are accountable for our victim.. But, they are wounded! Often our anger and hurt rises to meet theirs and there is stony silence between us.

And yet - the scripture above places the responsibility upon us. It seems that, offender or offended, we cannot escape responsibility. Each is required to forgive; each is required to seek forgiveness.

What is actually needed for a proper apology is a change of heart. If my loved one, brother, or neighbor is offended or hurt, it’s not about me. Would I be so cavalier if someone else had wounded or hurt him? Well, now I am the culprit. And the victim is not me but someone I love, or am called to love. So, I must apologize and ask forgiveness. It is really all I can do about the pain he is suffering.

I came across an all-purpose apology in a small book in a greeting card store. In essence it said:
I am sorry that I said ______or did ______ that offended you today.
(Always name the offense, if you know it.)
Please forgive me. I love you and I never want to hurt you.

That is simple enough for even me to understand.

©Tina Green 2010

True Love

A Real Valentine

A couples group was asked to read several versions of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. The versions used were NIV, KJ, NKJ, AMPL, TLB, New English, and The Message. The group was asked to list what a true lover will do and what a true lover will not do. When the project was completed couples were asked to insert their loved one’s name and read it to their partner. This is their finished product.

Because I love you, ________, I will never give up on you. I will not envy you or become jealous of you. I will not boast about what I have done for you. I will not be proud or haughty. I will not try to draw attention to myself at your expense. I will not be conceited, arrogant, prideful, or rude. It will not always be “Me, first”. I will not insist on my rights or on having my own way. I will not be self-seeking. I will not be touchy, resentful, or fretful. I will not recount evil you have committed against me. I will not hold grudges or keep track of the wrongs I have suffered. I will not become easily angered or frustrated. I will not want more from you than you can give. I will not force my wishes upon you.

Because I love you, _______, I will be patient with you and kind to you. I will rejoice in the truth about you. I will protect you and trust you. I will always be hopeful about you and my hope will endure under all circumstances. I will persevere. I will endure and bear up under anything and everything that comes our way without weakening. I will ever be ready to believe the best about you. You can trust me. I will always want what is best for you. My love will never fade or become obsolete. My love for you will never end.

How about sending (or reading) this to your loved one on Valentines Day?




©Tina Green 2/2008

Likewise, You Wives . . .

Wives, in the same way, be submissive to your husbands . . .
1 Peter 3:1(a) NIV

I can hardly think of a passage of scripture that has caused more discussion than the one that begins with the verse quoted in the title above. It is used and misused in over and over in sermons, lectures, and conferences. And yet few Christians seem to know or accept what it really says. Fewer still seem to recognize that 1 Peter 3:1-6 is only part of a five chapter letter written to the first century Christians. Peter wrote all five chapters telling them how to live with one another.

The word “likewise” in v. 1 is intriguing. It is strategically placed to force us to wonder “Like what?” And nothing in chapter 3 answers that question. If we continue to read forward we don’t find any answers, but we do run into the word again in V.7 (Likewise, you husbands . . .KJV) Husbands?

So, I guess we have to read back. Ooops, there it is, right there in 1 Peter 2:18-25; right in those dreaded verses about slaves. We are dragged back to our image of man’s greatest inhumanity to one another, and from there to the awful, awesome sight at the foot of the Cross. And, from there we are asked to consider God’s view of marriage.

Oh, my. We must read it over and over until we understand what is being asked of us. I think that each of us, man or woman, is being asked to let the self-centered, rebellious part of us be put to death so that we can live with and give to another human being as He intended from the beginning. Someone should have told me.

Tina Green © 2010

The Season of Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy

Today the title is the article. Now that my days of preparing massive holiday meals are behind me I am taking time to remember the emotion and mission of the season. I am writing to remind us all, dear Ladies, to put the first things first. Unless we make a conscious effort to do this, we will find that we have missed the most important gifts of the season - Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy.

My mother was a peaceful, joyful woman – except during the holiday season. During those times she was overwhelmed with the tasks of the celebrations. She took on so much responsibility for keeping peace with the extended family and satisfying the demands and expectations of others that she ended up sick and exhausted.

I learned at her knee to fret over everything, to make too-elaborate plans for meals, gifts, and entertaining, and to believe somehow that I was being judged by everyone by how well I did these things. I suspect that some of you are doing the same as you read this. If so, I refer you back to the PEACE IN THE HOME series of this Blog (See Archives). Everything written there is important for this season. (Peace with God, Peace with Yourself, Peace with Your Husband, Peace with Your Children.)

First things first! Whatever you do, pray first. If what we do isn’t pleasing to God we are wasting our time and energy. Be sure to honor God with your attitude. If we plan it right the whole season will glorify Him.
Here are some thoughts:
· The house is clean enough!
· Don’t try to serve everyone’s favorite dish at one meal.
· Don’t make the fresh Cranberry Relish, or other extravagant dish, unless someone else is hosting the dinner.
· Gifts that really count don’t cost much; giving time costs nothing.
· This is a good time to teach children generosity, sharing, and thankfulness. Try a new family tradition - Volunteer Day - give a young mom a day out, sing for an elderly couple, shop for mittens and hats for another family - Be creative!
· Prolonged guilt about forgiven or unintentional mistakes of the past is not from God.
· If this is not your happiest holiday season, try to bring joy to someone else’s. Give thanks, and try not to dwell too long on what or who is missing.
· Spread peace. Send your first holiday card to the relative who annoys or disapproves of you most. Include a little love note from the Lord.
· Skip the appetizers. Set out bowls of colorful fruits and nuts (in shells) for family snacking. That will hold them until you are ready to serve the meal.
· Remove yourself from all competitions; let the other guy/girl win this time.
· Enjoy God’s creativity as you strive to appreciate all the unique personalities around you. (Yes, all of them.)

BE AT PEACE! GIVE THANKS! REJOICE! We have already received the Greatest Gift of All. And there is enough to share.

Tina Green©2006