Minding My Business

I recently attended an awesome day-long conference for women. During the Q&A session near the end of the day a woman asked: “Are the men receiving this kind of instruction, because they really need it?”

The pastor who was leading the meeting answered quickly, “That is not your business!” Startled, we waited for the rest of his answer. He explained that we did not need to be concerned about what the men were learning; we only needed to concern ourselves with living out the instruction we had been given.

As I thought about this exchange I remembered how often this question is voiced in our Wives’ meetings. Sympathetic with the sentiment behind the question I, too, have prayed that the husbands would be held to the same standard of biblical instruction. Why do I want that -- Because it is ‘fair’? Because it would make my life easier?

More than anything, I think I want to excuse my desire to be disobedient, and to excuse myself from the hard work obedience requires. “I shouldn’t have to do it if he doesn’t have to do it,” is my childish cry. But the most important and intelligent thing I can do with new information is to allow myself to be changed, and allow God to be in charge of others.

So the answer for me is clearly: “Grow up and mind your own business!”
But be doers of the Word [obey the message], and not merely listeners to it, betraying yourselves [into deception by reasoning contrary to the Truth]. (James 1:22 AMP)
©Tina Green 2010

COMMENDATION

As I sat with the ladies of Wives’ Club and talking about how to meet our husband’s needs the Lord took me back to times when I would sit on the bed watching my husband ready his dress uniform for a formal function: polishing his belt buckle, sharpening the crease in his trousers, straightening the small silver “leaves” on his collar. The preparation that received the most careful attention was placement of the rows of medals he wore on his chest. These were kept pristine in their original boxes, then arranged in some pre-ordained order on a specific spot on the jacket. He would use a ruler to measure their placement.

Later that evening I would witness Marines glancing at other Marines to check out the medals on their chests because those medals told them what kind of Marine he was, what he had endured, what he had accomplished, and what he had survived. Civilians save that kind of glance for a muscular man or a beautiful woman.

What was I to learn from this flashback? Perhaps I was getting a glimpse at what matters to men: commendation! Men who do great exploits need commendation.

As a Marine, my husband received commendations. As a husband and father he deserves no less.
(Before you counter that you need that too, consider: Who's going to start it?)

Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
Proverbs 31:23 KJV

Surviving the Storm

And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. Mark 4:39 KJV

Each day I spend most of my waking hours in a sea of challenging people, events, and circumstances. Bobbing in these uncharted waters I am reduced to acting and reacting, planning, responding, and deciding. My journey is directed by two competing forces: the flesh (my mind, will and emotions) and the Word, my navigation manual that tells me God’s plan for getting safely to shore.

I may have notebooks full of proof that the Word does not fail me but that doesn’t matter much when new storm clouds appear. Because long before I could read or understand the
Word I had already learned to depend on the responses and reactions of my flesh to get my way, to get me through. I had already tasted the sweet taste of revenge, manipulation, rage, worry, rudeness, tantrums, striking out, despair, withholding, speaking my mind, telling you off, and telling your dirt. Tricks I have learned from my mother, things I have learned from my father, tactics I developed to get you get you off my back. Like an addict I still lust for the relief and release those old potions offered me, fleeting though it may be. The angry tongue of my flesh licks at me like the flames of a great fire.

But God who holds me in the palm of his hand whispers “Try it my way, seek my peace, taste and see.” Sweetly he woos me and so I reply, “Show me, Lord. Show me how. Show me again for my memory is so short.”

And in this wretched condition I cannot hide away, cover myself, avoid the bright lights that might reveal my weaknesses. No. In this shameful state I am required to teach and guide others.

©Tina Green 2010

He Watches

Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.” Psalm 127:1(NIV)

I cringe when I learn of the wounds inflicted on woman by various religious cults and doctrines. Many of us have been born into these false structures and innocently bear the pain of the consequences of flawed teachings. We have watched our loved ones being devoured by the lies of ravening wolves. And, the vain philosophies of the world have served us no better.

Even after we learn the truth, it is not easy to accept it and to fully submit our lives to Christ. The horrors of the past and fear of future exploitation cause us to view with skepticism the very truth of the scriptures which can free us.

And yet we cannot protect ourselves. While we are looking to the right Satan attacks from the left. Our self-fashioned defenses and weapons (we all have them) are used against us to our destruction, for the Word says: “Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.” Psalm 127:1(NIV)

When we committed to be married we committed to doing it God’s way. Though we are often consumed with fear, though we see the carnage of destroyed and destructive marriages all around us, we must choose God’s way. We must submit to His providence and protection as we trust in His Word. No other way will do.

©Tina Green 2008

Access to Intimacy

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1 NIV
On the telephone recently my daughter and I were talking about my parents, now deceased. We were enjoying our stories about how they loved and cared for all of us. “But, Mom,” she suddenly asked, “why did they fuss at each other so much?” “I think . . . ,” I answered slowly because their behavior had always seemed quite harmless to me, a habit developed over the years, “I think it was their way of staying connected.”

Even as I answered my daughter’s question I recognized I had seen this dynamic many times in my work with families: People needing closeness and using anger to try to get it. Face it: fighting with someone ensures their undivided attention

Over the next few weeks I began to notice this theme in the stories people were telling me: an 18 year old, graduating from High School picks fights with his single mother every chance he gets; a family moving to another city with a 3year old finds her resisting everything; a husband who angrily accuses his wife of lying about her whereabouts when she leaves for work two hours earlier than usual without reminding him about her plan; a 7 year old middle child who persistently opposes family plans. In each case the anger seemed designed to communicate something difficult to express – a need for connection and reassurance.

To test my theory I made the following suggestion. I called it The 3 by 3 Step Solution. When you are approached by a loved one who seems irrationally angry with you take these three steps, while walking the three steps it takes to bring you physically closer to them:
Step 1: Shut down the angry, defensive, critical response forming in your heart. Any real issues connected to this outburst can be addressed at another time.
Step 2: Think of an honest, affirming, loving compliment or comment you can express to your loved one. Your goal is to connect and reassure. (The mother of the highschooler said “I can’t believe I have raised such a hard-working man.”)
Step 3: Reach out and touch. The touch should fit your relationship—a pat on the arm or head, a rub on the shoulder or neck or back, a hug or loving caress -- you will know how to do this.

People craving intimacy may not know how to ask for it. The 3 by 3 Step Solution is working fairly well with the 7 year old and the 3 year old. The 18 year old is beginning to talk (and talk!) to his mother. One woman tried this when her husband said something unkind to her in public (he does this often). She reported that two changes took place. The first change was in herself: on Step 2 she felt her heart soften toward her husband; by Step 3 she hardly recognized her own voice as she spoke him. When she touched him he smiled and put his arm around her, and the anger was gone.

“So it worked?” I asked. “Of course it worked. Didn’t you know it would?” I never know if something will work. I only know it is worth a try.

A kind answer soothes angry feelings, but harsh words stir them up. Proverbs 15:1 CEV

Tina Green 2010

What Can You Do Alone?

Women often ask this question when they are discussing how to improve their marriages. They feel helpless against the seeming lack of cooperation and concern for their husbands. Perhaps he isn’t even aware that anything is wrong. But some things happen only when we are alone.

When I first committed my life to Christ, the most important decision I have ever made, I was alone. Soon after that I felt the urging of the Holy Spirit telling me to “work on” my marriage. I was not aware that my twenty-year-old marriage needed work, but, alone, I determined that I would obey God. I was not instructed to include my husband who seemed perfectly happy with his relationship with God and with me. This was my assignment, mine alone: Learn how to be a wife God's way.

I did not know the way but the Holy Spirit urged and encouraged me: “You have met the King of the Universe, have committed your life to serving Him, have read Matt. 22:36-38 and the other verses of scripture that tell you how God wants to be loved, and how he wants you to love others (including 1 Cor 13:1-8). Now you have to put away childish things (1 Cor 13:11). Alone you have to grow up. Let God make you a new creature: one who is willing to love His way, for His sake.” All this I must do alone – with my Master. Together, we are still working on my marriage.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone,

the new has come!

2 Corinthians 5:17(NIV)

Tina Green ©2010

Choosing to Stay

A new sport has invaded the American culture. We could call it Divorce Watch, or Marriage Destruction. No. It is not a video game, not played on your Nintendo. You play it by accessing televised or print news, collecting the latest story about marital infidelity, then weighing in on what the wife should do and when enough damning data has been uncovered to require that she abandon her marriage. The game players who are assembled in the national arena then issue the “THUMBS UP” or “THUMBS DOWN.” If she fails to appease the players by leaving her errant husband, her children’s father, and quickly filing for divorce, the angry scrutiny shifts from the unfaithful husband to the “foolish” wife. The Players begin to label her, ascribing to her all sorts of sinister motives and emotional inadequacies for not carrying out their mandate. She has let them down by refusing to play the game their way. She is then the loser.

This Game, I fear, may have invaded the sanctity of Christian marriage where only the word of God and the instruction of the Holy Spirit should guide the decisions of injured spouses. At such a dreadful time the wife or husband should not be influenced by the opinions of those who have nothing to lose, no commitment to the couple, and no moral guide for decision-making. The whims of popular culture are far too mindless and quixotic to be part of such a painful and consequential process.

If your marriage has experienced the tragedy of infidelity do not listen to those who encourage you to react out of hurt, anger, pride, or desire to retaliate. Take the time it takes to pray, seek wise counsel, and begin to heal. Separation or divorce may be the proper course for you. It may also be possible that your marriage can be restored and renewed. Just don’t be seduced into playing The Game!