REMARKABLE

THE MOST REMARKABLE THING

Around this time of year be are drawn to think of the death of Christ.  Without that death there could be no triumphal resurrection morning upon which we base our beliefs and our hope.  That death was one of the most gruesome known to mankind.   In her research my friend found a full description of the Roman process of crucifixion in dreadful detail.  While others were subjected to such torture, the death of Christ was all the more poignant  when we consider that he was innocent of the charges against him. 

This week I have been impressed by something which seems important to recognize:  The most remarkable thing about Christ’s death is that he submitted to it.

Christ, being fully man, felt every blow and insult, and being fully God, could have stopped each one.  That means that unlike the other helpless beings subjected to crucifixion, Christ received each wound knowing he had the power to put an end to his torture and destroy his tormentors.  He was the Lamb, laying down his life, but he was also the Lion, relinquishing his power. 

This is a model of submission that we must never overlook.  When the Word speaks of submission it asks Christian men and women to lay down both their lives and their power in obedience to God for the sake of another.  REMARKABLE!

What's Your Sound?

There is a commercial on TV where a man sits next to his wife negotiating with an automobile salesman for the deal he wants.  When he triumphs (getting exactly what the dealership gives everyone else) his wife leans over and purrs softly, “Good job, Baby.”   You know from his face that this guy feels like a million bucks. 

It reminds me that my friend and teacher, Bishop Larry Jackson, of Raleigh, NC,  says that there is a sound that draws a man to his wife with such intensity that he wants to slay dragons for her.  He says wise women cultivate that sound.  I wasn't quite sure I understood.  And then, there it was! -- In a commercial.

When I discussed this with a group of women one of them commented, “But he hadn’t done anything!”

Exactly!

Checking our Habits

I don't make resolutions but the New Year offers an opportunity to addess anew some ot the patterns or habits in our lives.  Many believe it takes thirty days to break a habit.  Assuming that is true change first requires a recognition or realization of the need in order to begin the process. 

Day One is the day that we perform a moral inventory and decide that a habit is no longer acceptable in our God-centered life.  Self-justification is over.  We must discard our excuses and eliminate the belief  that some intervening factor is the cause of our failings.  We have decide that the process of change is worth the pain of losing a behavior that has served us well.  We have decided to accept the risk of failure.  These decisions require extraordinary courage and commitment.

Over the years as wives and mothers, we often allow behaviors and attitudes that are careless, ineffective, and self-serving to become part of our interaction with those we love.   We may talk too much, shout or scream, or argue over minor points.  Bickering, as my mother called it, is an unattractive communication pattern that is almost universal.  We also fall into sarcasm, criticism, cruel jokes, and indifference. (Wow! I just realized that I cannot exhaust the list of worthless communication habits in this space.) 

These patterns are not only unproductive and unbecoming but as habits they become how we deal with one another.  This may seem harmless until we need to communicate about serious matters.  Then, when we need to solve a problem or make a decision we are encumbered by the old pattern of engagement which diverts our energies and blocks our way to resolution.

So, Days Two to Thirty require not fixing ourselves but exercising a biblical principle that will not fails us – confession and repentance  – which invites the power of the Holy Spirit to lead us to self=control. In thirty days we should on our way to communicating as God intended.

Just Ask

Just Ask

There have been several times in recent months when a wife has called me with a really desperate situation, a real threat to the security of her family.  Often she believes these circumstances have been caused by some action or neglect on the part of their husband.  He has either made a bad decision or failed to act to prevent this catastrophe.  Bill collectors are calling, something is being repossessed, or an eviction notice is on the door.  The wife is overwhelmed that the time to act has passed and now the only hope is to somehow repair and limit the damage.  She feels vulnerable and betrayed.  Can she ever trust him again?

As I listen, my heart breaks at the pain this loved one is enduring.  This is not the kind of experience she expected when she recited her vows.   Her fear, anger and disappointment can barely be contained.    How could he let this happen?  She would have been more careful, more prompt, or more efficient.  She had warned him about keeping things in order.    She is now challenging her husband, questioning his ability to lead their home, even his manhood.  But what else can she do?  She has prayed and cried.  It seems her only choice is to take over and do everything herself.  It feels like they have never been so far apart.

Listening to a wife tell a story like this I am at a loss.  I know the husband feels terrible about letting her down.  What position can she take that will not add to this destruction?  None of my usual answers about submission and headship seems adequate.  And yet I am certain that God has provided a biblical response for this wife, one that can stop the rending and begin the healing.  

I am reminded that even in times like this God did not leave us defenseless. As a wife she is called by God to help.  Her skills may actually be needed to work their way out of the mess they are in but they are not working cooperatively at this point.  Seeking God for wisdom, courage, patience and strength, she can go to her husband as his helper.

She can just ask, “What can I do to help?”  With this simple question, delivered with compassion and sincerity, the wife has placed her skills and abilities at her husband's disposal. It will certainly not make things any worse. This simple act puts the partners back into their God-assigned positions. And it may give them a chance to begin working in unity again.  What Satan would love to use for evil, the Lord can use for good.

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”         Gen 2:18 (NIV)

©Tina Green, 10/2012

Communication:  Did you Say what I Heard?

 

As usual I am looking at a communication problem back-hand-forward.  That is because that is how I usually hear it.  For instance, a woman calls me and tells me about a fight she had with her husband.  I wasn’t there so I am listening to it backwards; that is, I already know that the attempt at communication ended in a fight. So as she talks I am listening for the breakdown in communication.  While each side of the argument thinks they need to ask: “Did you hear what I said?”  Each should probably be asking “Did you say what I heard?” 

So often the discussion turns to an argument when one person responds angrily to what they think they heard.  A husband says to his wife “You are too bossy!” The wife feels she is being attacked.  Her husband is really saying “You have taken on authority that is not rightfully yours and that weakens me.”

 

A wife says “Did you put a coat on the baby when you went out?” Her husband thinks she is nagging him.  His wife is actually saying “I feel helpless when I am not there to take care of the baby and I need to be able to trust you when you act in my place.

 

Most of us are literal.  That means that though we hear words we don’t hear what our spouse is really saying.  Even in the counseling room I have to help the couple hear what is actually being said.  And of course, fear and pride often block real communication.  In stressful times we defend ourselves from what appears to be an attack or a slight with a retaliation which makes matters worst.  Taking time to ask, “Did you say what I heard?” would be beneficial, but unlikely in these situations without instruction and practice.

 

Basing ones responses in love might help.

 

Let the Games Begin!

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."  (Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche)

Let the Games Begin!

This phrase is usually used to announce the beginning of a sporting competition.  I mean, I could as easily have said “play ball,” but that phase is not as poetic. When many of us said “I DO” it meant the same thing: “Let the competition begin.”  Early in our marriages partners begin vying and competing for superiority in even the very smallest things.  We congratulate ourselves and criticize our spouses about personality traits and cultural differences that are part of what attracted us to them in the first place.

I often catch myself pressing to be “right” or “better” in relation to my husband in a circumstance where it hardly matters at all who “wins”.  Sometimes when I counsel a couple I suspect that each partner thinks I will award gold stars at the end of the session.  (I once had a wife smugly display her well-written homework to me each week knowing full well that her husband had scrawled his on a scrap of paper stuffed in his back pocket.)  Whether this trait is rooted in sibling rivalry, some childhood pressure for performance, or just plain ole pride, it is unbecoming to watch in public and destructive to the peace of the union when practiced in private. 

This practice of sparring between spouses demonstrates, I think, a breach of the rules of friendship.  A good friend must overcome the twinges of envy and urges to compare and compete, in order to support and encourage the victories of the other.   A good friend seeks the success of the other, even at her own expense.

“Lord: teach us to be “friends” to our Husbands.”

Do You Want to Get Well?

 Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years.  When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to be made well?”   The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.”  Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up your bed and walk.”  And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked.  ^{John5:5-9 NIV}

It seems strange to ask a sick man if he wants to get well but I am beginning to realize something about change: it has to be "wanted". I have met with many women who wanted me to help them change their husband or childen, but often had not made the changes I had asked of them.

Change is not all good, as anyone who tries to lose weight or quit smoking well knows. You have to give up something; something you have used to protect yourself or make you feel better.  Change (getting well) means giving up blaming others and taking responsibility for you self, your thoughts, your actions.  It means replacing self-pity with self-control.  It means you are the only reason for your circumstances and you are the only person who can fix them.

 To focus on trying to change someone else assumes they want it and yet you're the one who needs it. You need him to change. That doesn't make sense.  You need to focus on your change. If you can't really pull off real change, why would you expect to see real change in other people on your behalf.  They have no motivation or desire to make the change.  They have no reason to want to change in a way that would make your life easier. If you cannot demonstrate the change you have made, why are you expecting to see change in others?  

The question in these circumstances is: Do you want to get well?