WORLD RULES

 Ignore the Gift Police

Whether or not he gets it right, just say, “thank you”.

 

Long considered a fun holiday for expressing affection, Valentine’s Day has fallen into the clutches of the dreaded “gift police”.  They are telling men and women that only certain types of expressions of love are acceptable on this holiday.  Others are definitely unacceptable.  Men seem to be the targets of these self-appointed arbiters of appropriateness.  Granted, many men are clueless when it comes to gift giving.  Most of them did not grow up shopping.  And, some men are actually careless and insensitive.

 

My concern is that Christian women not follow the women of the world by condemning their men for the gifts they give.  If your husband brings a gift, he should not be afraid that you will be unhappy because he chose something the “gift police” have labeled “unromantic”.  Sometimes a man’s only clue as to what to buy comes from the wishes you express in your daily life.  If you have mentioned on several occasions that you need a new vacuum cleaner, he may think that is the best gift for the occasion.  It will last a lot longer than roses, and be more appreciated in the long run.  “Romantic” gifts sometimes threaten an already ailing budget, increasing stress for both of you in the weeks to come. 

 

Often the best gifts cost very little.  Would a gift measured in carats ever replace having your husband take the children out for an afternoon so that you can rest or visit a friend?  Would it replace having him hold you when you are discouraged?  Would it work for you if you received the sparkles and then were neglected for the next eleven months? Let us be sure that a spirit of ingratitude doesn’t threaten the peace we strive for in our hearts and homes.  If you get no gift at all, be thankful to God and to your husband that the lights came on when you flicked the switch and the house was warm when you woke up.

 

Don’t misunderstand me.  If I were writing to men, I would tell them to try to give the most beautiful, sensitive, romantic love offering they can find (and afford).  But, I am writing to Christian women.   Oppose the pressures of the world’s standards as you strive to live a life pleasing to God.  Whether or not he gets it right, just say “thank you”.

GOD'S PROVISION I

Our Example

Teasing and ridicule are rampant in our society.  Finding that one thing about a person over which he has no control and bashing him with it has become our national pastime.  Previously the province of schoolyard torturers, it has been raised to high art, victimizing those from high to low, who dare to show their failings.  Laughing at the misfortunes of others has become a favorite form of entertainment, perfected by Seinfeld-like sitcoms and reality TV.  One would only hope that we (writer and readers of this journal) are not perpetrators of this destructive practice.  But we are certainly witnesses, and possibly victims of this viciousness cloaked in humor.

 

Yesterday I talked to my grandson about his last bout with aggressive teasing at school.  “Did you pray,” I asked him.  When he said he had not prayed he seemed surprised at his own answer.  I apologized to him for my oversight.  Although his mom and I prayed for him and with him, I had never taught him to pray for himself, cry out to God at the time of the abuse.  And yet, I recall as a child silently seeking God when I found myself in trouble with bullies.  I discovered this defensive action on my own.  I also credit it for the relatively few emotional scars I seem to carry from these events. I shared these thoughts with my grandson:

 

1.  These are the things that are common to man.  Though it is personal and painful, your situation is not unique.  This is how a sinful society conducts itself.

2.  Satan uses it.  He convinces you that you are a victim.  From there he proceeds to raise up in you feelings of fear, helplessness, resentment, and revenge.  These are the feelings that build, layer on layer, the scars you carry with you into the future.

3.  God allows it.  God has a plan to strengthen you to withstand the foolishness of others.  He wants you to be forgiving and compassionate, even toward your tormentors.  But, he knows you can’t.  Not on your own, anyway.  (This is where the plan comes together!)

4.  So, Pray!  Cry out in your weakness to the one true Helper.  As you pray and God responds to your prayer you acknowledge that nothing is impossible for Him.  It is at these times that he loves you most.  You are learning to depend on Him and not on your own strength or understanding.  He will give you wisdom, protection, and instruction for the situation at hand.  You may receive guidance from Him that would never have occurred to you.

5.  Christ is our example.  See 1Peter 2:21-25 “This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step.
   He never did one thing wrong,
   Not once said anything amiss.
They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing. You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you're named and kept for good by the Shepherd of your souls.” (the Message)

 

Being teased, hurt, and ridiculed doesn’t end at high school graduation.  Can you apply this to anything in your life today?  If not, remember it when you are called on to counsel a fellow sufferer.

FORGIVENESS

Who, Me?  Love Them?!

 

Since many of us take a personal inventory at this time of year let us consider some very special people in our lives. We all have them -- people who test the limits of our patience or cause us emotional wounds.  Some of them are those who are the very closest to us.  We have to deal with them every day and yet it never seems to get any easier.  Jesus commands that we love them and we really try but our scars from these struggles are hard to ignore.  These are the people we are called to love and forgive.

 

When faced with seemingly impossible tasks it sometimes helps to see how the Lord provided for such circumstances.  No matter how it looks, He did not leave us defenseless. Careful study of the scriptures reveals God’s plan for loving difficult people. For clarity  we will now call this person your “neighbor”.  The plan looks something like this:

1.    Confess.  Ask God to forgive you for all the unloving thoughts and attitudes you have toward your neighbor. Ask forgiveness for gossiping about him and determine in you heart not to describe your hurts to others.  Confess as sin all thoughts and acts of revenge.  Do not excuse any of your sins on the basis of your neighbor’s behavior.

2.    Forgive.  Think of this as putting out the trash.  All the hurtful events of the past have been collected and stored in your memory.  There they have gained strength like bacteria enclosed in a petrii dish.  We empower them further when we rehearse the grievance in our minds and retell the tale. Resist the urge to store this putrid material in your living space.  To maintain a healthy environment the garbage must be put out every day.  Search out and destroy all thoughts of revenge.

3.    Pray.  Seek the Lord about your neighbor.  Ask Him to give you a glimpse of how He sees this person.  Ask for a portion of the love He has for him. Often He will reveal to you a need you did not know your neighbor had. This will give you an opportunity to serve your loved one in a meaningful way. 

4.    Forgive again. Even though we know better, we often put a limit on the number of times we intend to forgive someone.  Those we love should be able to count on our forgiveness.  That is best accomplished by deciding ahead of time that you will forgive any new wrong committed against you.  That runs counter to the “last straw” philosophy that we learn from our culture.  This perpetual forgiveness amounts to keeping the pipes clean through which the love is to flow.

5.     Serve.  Find a special way to meet a need for your neighbor.  Minister to him in a way that brings healing.  Usually, it helps to do something physical and tangible.  Don’t look for the easy way   out. This kind of service should cost you something. Use your time, your energy, and your resources to perform this task.  Bake him a cake, shop for a special gift, or make one, prepare a surprise.  If the pipes have been cleaned of unforgiveness, you will begin to feel a twinge of happiness and gratitude as you prepare to care for another.

6.    Pray more and more.  Pray diligently everyday for your neighbor’s well being.  Pray for the success of his ventures, for his health and safety, for his financial or personal needs to be met, for his goals to be accomplished.  It is difficult to continue to feel angry toward someone you pray for every day. 

7.    Release.  Release your neighbor to God.  Do not spend hours thinking about how he needs to change and what the change would mean in your life.  Leave to God the job of changing him and the job of protecting you.

 

The most important change that takes place in this process takes place in you.  The Lord can begin to heal your wounds and repair youattitudes.  Youbecome a clear channel through which the love of God can flow.  Your relationship may improve.  It may not.  But you will have been faithful to the biblical requirement: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Rom.12:18 NIV)

 

MENTAL HEALTH

HELP WANTED!

"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. (John14:16 NIV)

.

But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. (John 14:26 NIV)

 

 

Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God,

(1John 4:1 NIV)

 

I am often asked by Christians about seeking professional help with marriage, family, or other emotional issues.  I won’t enter here the Christian-verses-secular counseling debate.  However, we will want to avoid helpers who are hostile to our faith or who view our commitment to Christ as part of or cause of our “problem”,  If help has been recommended or seems appropriate we will be able to make the most of our counseling or therapy experience if we are aware of our unique position as a Christian seeking help.  Christ, our redeemer has left us the Counselor and Comforter.  Even as we seek the counsel of men we must remember that we are uniquely equipped for the battle in which we are engaged.

 

1)  Recognize the role of the Holy Spirit.  Pray that the Holy Spirit will guide the      professional who helps you, as you would for the physician or dentist who cares for you.  This is most important because it prevents the mistakes that are likely to happen if we see the counselor as being responsible for change during the counseling process.  Pray that the Holy Spirit will take charge and that the counselor will merely be the agent through whom the Spirit chooses to work.  All glory must go to “the author and finisher of our faith.”

2)  Read Scripture.  Our greatest asset is the unerring Word of God which instructs and cautions us as we deal with troubles.  Do not rely solely on the wisdom and knowledge of the counselor when confronting complex issues. The Spirit will guide us to the stories, admonitions, and instructions for our situation.  Reread and memorize verses that offer healing, comfort, and instruction.  We are empowered by the sword of the Spirit with which we may confront the world, the flesh and the devil. 

3)  Understand the role of sin.  Recognizing the sin factor in the problems of the body of Christ helps both counselor and counselee.  Each person must      ultimately accept responsibility for his own sin.  Our way out of this difficulty is to focus only on our role in our circumstances.  We must not attempt to transfer our responsibility to the counselor.  The ultimate solution is also ours.  Most humans so consistently search for someone to blame that we ignore individual responsibility.  This hinders our ability to make progress in finding solutions.

 

Professional help, when needed, can be used by God to promote healing and restoration in situations where the way out is not clear to us.  Emotional problems are not a sign of weakness.  It is often wise to see your physician or pediatrician for help to determine the proper intervention.  Some emotional problems have physical roots.  Sometimes medications or hormonal changes can cause disturbing symptoms.  We should not avoid seeking help or hope it will pass without investigation.  (As a school counselor I once alerted parents to a change in their child’s behavior.  They investigated only to find that their child’s medications were causing a negative interaction.)   Pray for wisdom in this process. Do not be discouraged.  Lasting change may take time.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:4-6 NIV)

SEEKING PEACE

The Season of Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy

 

Today the title is the article.  Now that my days of preparing massive holiday meals are behind me I am taking time to remember the emotion and mission of the season.  I am writing to remind us all, dear Ladies, to put the first things first.  Unless we make a conscious effort to do this, we will find that we have missed the most important gifts of the season - Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy. 

 

My mother was a peaceful; joyful woman – except during the holiday season.  During those times she was overwhelmed with the tasks of the celebrations.  She took on so much responsibility for keeping peace with the extended family and satisfying the demands and expectations of others that she ended up sick and exhausted.

 

I learned at her knee to fret over everything, to make too-elaborate plans for meals, gifts, and entertaining and to believe that I was being evaluated by everyone on how well I did these things.  I suspect that some of you are doing the same as you read this.  If so, I refer you back to the PEACE IN THE HOME series of this Blog (See Archives).  Everything written there is important for this  season.  (Peace with God, Peace with Yourself, Peace with Your Husband, Peace with Your Children.) 

 

First things first!  Whatever you do, pray first.  If what we do isn’t pleasing to God we are wasting our time and energy.  Be sure to honor God with your attitude.  If we plan it right the whole season will glorify Him. 

Here are some thoughts for the season:

·        The house is clean enough!

·        Don’t try to serve everyone’s favorite dish at one meal.

·        Don’t make the Cranberry Relish or the Ambrosia unless someone else is hosting the dinner.

·        Gifts that really count don’t cost much; giving time costs nothing.

·        This is a good time to teach children generosity, sharing, and thankfulness. Try a new family tradition - Volunteer Day: give a young mom a day out, sing for an elderly couple, shop for mittens and hats for another family. Be creative.

·        Prolonged guilt about forgiven or unintentional mistakes is not from God.

·        If this is not your happiest holiday season, try to bring joy to someone else’s.  Give thanks, and try not to dwell too long on what or who is missing.

·        Spread peace.  Send your first card to the relative who annoys or disapproves of you most.  Include a little love note from the Lord. 

·        Skip the appetizers.  Set out bowls of colorful fruit and nuts (in shells) for family snacking. That will hold them until you are ready to serve the meal.

·        Remove yourself from all competitions; let the other guy/girl win this time.

·        Enjoy God’s creativity as you appreciate all the unique personalities around you. (Yes, all of them.)

 

BE AT PEACE!  GIVE THANKS!  REJOICE!  We have already received the Greatest Gift of All.  And there is enough to share!

 

PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE

PUTTING IT BACK TOGETHER

(This is a departure from my usual subject matter, but my commitment to marriage requires that I address solutions to real problems )

 

There is a book titled “First You Cry”.  The book is actually about breast cancer, but it is clearly what happens after you learn that your husband has cheated on you.  A Christian woman has the option, but not the obligation to take back her erring husband.  After the crying you have to understand that you have work to do.  You need to make an appointment for a gynecological examination and A.I.D.S. test.  You need to check your finances to see if you have been compromised.  You must particularly investigate the status of your rent or mortgage, automobile, and utility payments.  Very few men can actually afford a mistress.  Check your legal status and determine if you may be legally accountable for any of your husband’s actions.  Is there a pregnancy or a child involved?

 

If your husband has left the home you have to determine if allowing him to return is best for you and your family.  He may have decided when to leave, but you decide if and when he returns.  Unfortunately, mostmen believe that, if you allow them back, they can just pick up where they leftoff.  As tempting as it may be to welcome him with open arms, a wife needs to act wisely.  If your husband remains in the home the following guidelines still apply.  You should:

          Begin to pray for guidance in this area.

           Examine the scriptures, with help if necessary so  that  you know what the Word says about adultery and  reconciliation.  (If you don’t    know your spouse and friends will confuse you.)

          Give yourself time for healing and true forgiveness

          Guard against allowing anger and hurt to slide     into bitterness.

Conduct a courageous assessment of your own sinful attitudes and behaviors.  Confess your sins and repent.  (We cannot ask God to be a part of our sin)

Determine what needs your husband has that you have consciously refused to meet (You are taking responsibility for your actions, not his!)

Decide when you want him back (or if you want him to stay.)  Do not be coerced by spouse, family or friends.  Don’t be overly eager.

Set conditions with which he must agree to comply.

 

When she has settled the matter in her heart and begun to heal, a wife needs to decide the circumstances under which she would be comfortable having her spouse return.  All stipulations and requirements should be clearly stated and agreed upon before any reconciliation.  Some suggested procedures (depending on the circumstances) are:

          Individual counseling for both parties.

Group counseling (physical abuse, substance abuse, sexual  addiction) 1 yr. min.

          Marriage counseling

Pastoral counseling to establish chain of authority and accountability. Both of you need to be submitted to pastoral headship

          Accountability partner (min. 1 year)

          Coaching couple (a couple from the church to walk with you  as you mend)

           

Husbands seeking to return to the marriage must be willing to court and pursue their wives in order to win their trust.  They must also understand that they need to be more accountable to their wives for their schedule.  They should be willing to check in when the schedule changes.  The couple should make new rules about their relationship including family prayer, family discussions and the family schedule (mealtimes, etc.).  Make rules about discussing the particulars of the affair.  This may require third party intervention with someone you both trust.  No “sniping” allowed.  Once it is discussed it is not to be referred to again except, if necessary, in counseling.

 

There are no “quick fixes” for sexual infidelity.  The biblical requirement to forgive does not necessarily include reconciliation.  That is a separate issue which may take many months to resolve to the satisfaction of all concerned.  There is an ancient riddle: What is the hardest thing to gain and the easiest thing to lose?  Answer: TRUST!  The offender must understand that being restored to his previous position may take longer than he expects.

 

 

PERSONAL WALK

Warring in the Spirit

 

Lately, I have been concerned about an ongoing situation over which I have no control. It seems to sneak up on me without warning and leaves me with a sense of dread.  When I sought my husband for support he asked, “What do you tell others to do at times like this?”  (Why do the people who love me always ask me that question instead of covering me with sympathy and letting me wallow in my pain?)  I couldn’t think of a thing.  I whined about how different this problem was from the “wives issues” that are brought to me.  All I know is that I need help because my sleep and digestion are being disturbed. 

 

This morning as I was praying I remembered what I tell others in situations like this.  I explain that this is war.  Our enemy is trying to make us think there is nothing we can do about our circumstances. We are defenseless.  Hewants us to think we have no hope. This kind of attack is common to us all. There is one such battle that is well known to us.

 

             Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God."  (Matt. 4:1-3)

 

Right there, in Matthew 4, we find a pattern for warring against the devious tricks of Satan.  The weapon of our warfare is the Word of God.  When we know who we are and that we have a full quiver of “arrows” from the Word we can use them effectively to put the enemy to flight. 

 

So, now I am using the very strategy I recommend to others.

          1)  Recognize that this situation is real but is being used by Satan to disable me.

          2)  Remember that my Father did not leave me  defenseless.

          3)  Find a scripture that fits my particular challenge 

          4)  Commit that scripture to memory.

          5)  Pray the verse whenever the enemy attacks

          6)  Repeat this process as needed until the enemy  gives up this fight and goes away.

          7)  Note to self: Don’t forget the strategy; he’ll be back.

 

My Scripture for my battle:

            Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by    prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

Imagine that!