Communications IV Fight Right!

Fight Right!

 

In the old Chevy Chase movie, National Lampoon’s European Vacation, Chevy drives his family into a traffic circle in Paris in the morning, and when the stars come out he still hasn’t figured out how to drive out of the circle.  We watch them go around and around and around.  Some of our interactions with loved ones are like that. Something sets off a series of events and then you go round and round and round.  Most families have these patterns. We don’t realize that all of our fights look alike. I call it the Cycle of Interaction.  Below is a familiar scene:

 

Husband and wife, preparing to leave for work.

W.  “Please put Jacob’s sweater on him before you take him to day care.  I think it is going to be chilly at recess time”

H.  “Okay”

W. (on phone) “Did you put his sweater on?” 

H. “Yes I did”

W.  “Are you sure you did it?”

H.; “Yeesss”

W. Which one?

H.  “Look I don’t know which one.  You asked me to do it. I did it.”

W.  I just want to know.  I don’t want my baby to be cold. You know how easily he catches cold!!

H. “You don’t have to ask me a hundred times!  I am not an idiot!  Anyway, you coddle him too much!  That’s why he gets sick all the time!

 W. “How can you say that.  I am the one who is up with him all night.”

EXPLOSION!

 

Many things are at work here.  If the couple examines their pattern they will discover that there are several exits around this cycle on the way to the explosion.  1. Wife specifies which sweater 2. Wife trusts husband to comply with her wishes. 3. Husband recognizes and is sympathetic to his wife’s anxiety; reassures her. 4. Wife understands that her questioning has offended her husband and apologizes. 5. Husband avoids responding with the personal attack on his wife’s mothering ability. 6. Wife, in prayer, places her child in God’s hands since she cannot protect him at all times.

 

There are probably others I have missed, but you get the idea. Try to find the exits yourself with the scene below.

 

H. “You know, we are going to have to watch our expenses for a while.  These gas prices are killing us.”

W. (Not looking up) “Uh-huh”

H.  “We need to tighten our belts”

W. (Not looking up) “Um-humm.”

H. “Do you hear me?  You can’t just keep spending.  We have to stay within the budget. Do you understand?

W. Yeh.

H. “I am trying to talk to you!!”

W. “Why are you shouting. I said “yes.” Why do you always get so upset.”

H.  “I am not getting upset!! You are upsetting me!!!

W. “But I haven’t said anything.  I am not yelling at you.

EXPLOSION!!!!

 

Get it?  Now try it with one of your own family scenes.

For,

"Whoever would love life and see good days
   must keep his tongue from evil
      and his lips from deceitful speech.
       He must turn from evil and do good;
      he must seek peace and pursue it. Peter 3:10-11(NIV)

COMMUNICATION III

Something New

Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (1 Peter 3:4 NIV)

 

At a recent meeting the wives were discussing how often we say unnecessary things to our husbands. It seems most of us feel compelled to tell them when they have “slipped up”.  You know, things like:  You forgot to get the milk.  Why did you buy that color?  When are you going to fix the curtain rod?  You never remember anything I ask you to do. You always leave things till the last minute.

 

What would happen, we wondered, if we just didn't mention it?  One woman who was very new to the group decided she this was an area she wanted to correct.  Her gracious Heavenly Father gave her a chance to try it as soon as she got home from the meeting.  As she put her key in the door the faint aroma of burnt food wafted toward her.  Oh, no!  she thought.  My sauce!  She had given her husband instructions to rescue the sauce she had left simmering on the stove.  Images of her usual reaction to such an event flashed through her mind.  But, she wanted to try something new.

 

In the kitchen she found her husband attempting to clean up the mess.  She took a deep breath and greeted him warmly.  She put her things away and returned to the kitchen to help him.  His expression of horror slowly turned to relief as she scrubbed the pot and chatted about her meeting and his evening with their son. 

 

They were together when they happily related this story to me.  She reported that she had experienced a sense of joy for the rest of that evening.  To my surprise, he reported that after the initial shock, his wife’s reaction actually strengthened him.  I am not going to pretend that I understand that comment, but it seemed to hold all kinds of benefits for his wife that she could never have expected from her “usual reaction”.  I could sense a new closeness between them.

 

Since our usual reactions don’t usually work, we might as well try something new.

 

 

 

COMMUNICATION II

GETTING THE MESSAGE

 

My husband used to be a little withdrawn if I came home later than he did.  Our conversation would be strained for a bit.  I never understood this.  I thought he was being controlling and self-centered and did not appreciate how busy my days are.  I would actually dread coming in after him.  Who needs this!  After all, his hours were very erratic and I have never complained!

 

One day I came home from an evening church meeting and found the young woman who lived with us sitting in her car outside.  She had come from the same church meeting.  As she got out of her car to walk in with me I asked what she was waiting for.  “I was waiting for you,” she said.  “I knew you were right behind me but I didn’t want to go in without you.  I didn’t want to have to explain where you were.”  Okay, now I really don’t get it.

 

The next day I took my husband’s car for a doctor’s appointment because my van was too tall for the underground garage.  Returning home I turned the cornerof my street and saw the top of my green van in our driveway at the end of the street.  I felt a sense of relief mixed with delight.  “He’s home!” I thought.  Instantly I understood!

 

I greeted my husband and told him the experience I had just had.  “Yeh,” he said with an embarrassed smile.  “When I turn the corner and see your van I know everything is all right.  When it isn’t there I start to wonder where you are and when you will get here and if you are safe.  It changes my mood.  I know it’s silly but I can’t help it. I’ve been away all day and I just need to see you.”

 

How easy it had been for me ascribe negative motives to his very normal, very loving reaction.  Once we had talked about it I tried harder to be home when he arrived and he tried harder to understand when I wasn’t. 

 

My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.  Song of Solomon 2:14 (NIV)

 

 

COMMUNICATION I

Guarding Marriage

Every marriage is in danger if communication is not carefully guarded.  That sometimes means being careful not to respond out of hurt feelings, wounded pride, or thoughts of desperation.  Once when my husband and I were going through a rough patch we were having protracted heated discussions.  This took place over a period of weeks whenever the children were out of earshot.  At one point, in complete exhaustion my husband said, “I don’t know.  Maybe marriages like ours (career military) just can’t make it.”  

 

Actually, several marriages in our circle had recently broken up.  I realize now that if I had responded out of pride or hurt or fear we would have been in serious trouble.  I also realize now that my husband’s comment was an expression of his fears.  But I just turned into a crazy woman.  “What are you talking about?”  I screamed.  “No one and nothing outside the two of us is going to determine how long we stay married.  This marriage is not up for grabs.  It does not belong to the Marine Corps: itbelongs to us.  What is happening now is not a threat to our marriage because we are not giving that up.  We just have to find a way to work through this but it has nothing to do with our staying married!”  I was literally shrieking at him, as close up as I could get.  I was protecting the most important thing in my (natural) life: my marriage!  As I held on to him I saw what looked like relief in his face.  Until that moment he wasn’t sure how much trouble we were in.  He was from a broken home and he wanted to know if I was giving up.  By suggesting that this problem could end our marriage, he had put it all in perspective for me. 

 

Wives, sometimes we are the guardians of our marriages.  Take a stand for the marriage and assume that everything else can be worked out.  It may not turn out that way but it is the best place to start. 

Toward the Goal

(By request: First posted March 2006)

 

 . . . do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.Col 3:21(NIV)

How often we read that scripture without knowing how to apply it to ourselves.  We do the tough job of setting and enforcing limits to the best of our ability,  as God requires, seeking His guidance and direction.  We recognize the child’s will seeks its own way.  Sometimes we seem to be in a battle for our very lives - and theirs.  Yet, we are admonished not to cause them to become discouraged, dispirited, or  disheartened. 

 

In the book Self-Confrontation, a manual for training Christian counselors, the authors list thirty-one ways that parents embitter their children.  As I read them it seems that the way parents provoke their children is by focusing on themselves rather than on God’s plan for the child.  We focus on our fears, anger, frustration, impatience, embarrassment, pride, fatigue, uncertainty, or disappointment.  Then we address our child’s behavior or requests.  Often the child reacts to our motivation and becomes angry.

 

When my daughter was twelve years old she was invited by a classmate to a party given by the other child’s older siblings.  It would certainly not be the proper environment for a pre-teen.  I told my daughter she was too young for this party and left her sobbing angrily on the front steps.  I was annoyed that I had to deal with this problem at this point in my day.  Why didn’t she know not to make such a ridiculous request?  When I was her age I would have known better.  But, as I walked into the kitchen, God gave me a momentary glimpse of my own twelve-year-old world,  How often  I cried as I dealt with the challenges of being not yet grown up but not still a child. 

 

My goal was right.  My answer was right.  But, my focus was wrong, and my child was angry.   With the memory of my own youth fresh in my mind, I went back to my daughter, took her in my arms, and held her tight.  I expressed sadness that she was so disappointed.  I told her I was sorry this party had not been planned with her in mind, and I hoped there would be an appropriate one soon.  As we talked, the anger dissolved.  No.  I couldn’t change my answer, but I did change my attitude.  I put her feelings ahead of my own.  My daughter saw that I was really on her side.  She saw that, in setting the limits, I was doing what God required me to do, not just spoiling her fun.  We planned another activity for the day of the party. 

 

Our goal as parents is to providediscipline and structure for our children so that we can bring them up in the fear of the Lord.  To do this they must see us submitting our wills to Jesus and see Him working in us.

TG © 1998

UNDER AUTHORITY

“Obey” is not a Four-Letter Word!

 

My husband and I were sightseeing one day with four of our nine grandchildren.  There was his little group in front and my little group in the rear, with the seven-year-old in between.  In a split second she decided to catch up with the forward group and took off like a shot.  I shouted: “Brianna, Stop!”  She stopped and did not move another inch.  If she had she would have entered an active traffic lane as the light changed. I am so grateful my daughter and her husband have taught their children to obey.  (They are still deciding if the children will ever be allowed to visit us again.)

 

 I am convinced that there is no more important lesson we teach our children than obedience.  I understand that this is a minority position.  American society has attached mostly negative connotations to the word “obey”.  I am also convinced that it is the most difficult lesson to teach children.  Some of the reasons for the difficulty lie in them, some in us.  The child is born with a will.  God put it there.  This is so that throughout his life he will have to choose whether or not to do right, thereby taming his own errant nature conforming it to the will of the Father. How successful he is in controlling his inner urges will determine his ability to safely pass through the rapids of life’s challenges.

 

The problem is that this will is also the root of strivings, rebellion, independence, and personality.  The task of parenting is to help the child to rein in the functions of his will that can cause him harm without destroying the others.  (Americans value striving and independence more than some other cultures do.)  American parents speak of “breaking the child’s spirit” when they discuss teaching obedience.  Some parents even encourage rebelling against authority as positive self-expression.  Many parents are themselves, in rebellion.  This ambivalence can make parental guidance a hit-or-miss proposition.

 

But the Christian life is a life under authority.  Wherever God chooses to require something of us, I like to think about the purpose of the requirement.  It is interesting that scripture seldom feels the need to explain, as we so often do, the reason obedience is required.  I suppose that is because when our benevolent Father commands somethingBecause of his love for us, he expects obedience as evidence of our love for Him.  Invariably our freedom is limited for our protection or for our good Most of the commands we give our children are inspired by the same motives. (If our rules and directions do not meet that criterion we should address our own motives and amend our commands accordingly.)  We should not allow the child’s questions or discomfort to cause us to change our expectations.  Whatever you want to teach your child, teach obedience first.  

 

PERSONAL WALK

Just for me!

 

After years of negative input, much of it from our own internal voices, it is difficult for some of us to believe that we have any value in God’s sight.  In case I might forget I get reminded once a month. 

 

This happened the first time soon after I gave my life to Christ.  I was seated in a darkened corner of the sanctuary one Sunday morning.  The elements for communion had been passed out and the congregation was praying over them quietly.  As I held the bread and grape juice in my hands I prayed a prayer of Thanksgiving that the Lord had rescued us sinners from the world’s view of our existence.  A small, firm voice whispered into my spirit, saying, “I would have done it if you had been the only one.”  I sat there for a moment not fully comprehending.  The voice spoke again. “I would have died if you had been the only one.”  At that moment I was overwhelmed by a sense of peace and love, too wonderful to express or understand.  Tears of joy ran down my face and for the first time in my life I felt fully loved and accepted, just as I was.

 

My worth is no longer in question.  Each time I hold the communion elements in my hands my heart is blessed.  I am reminded, “He did not just die, he did it for me!”