The Apology

The Apology

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24(NIV)

I am learning to apologize. This is not such a simple matter. There are two sides to forgiveness: giving it and asking for it. Turns out neither is easy or comes naturally. And, the Word of God raises a high standard either way. Usually when we realize we have offended someone we begin to justify our words or actions. We search ourselves to see if we did anything wrong. Having cleared ourselves, we decide that other person, our friend, neighbor, or loved one, should not have been offended for we meant no harm.

If we didn’t do anything wrong then we have no responsibility for our victim’s condition. They are too sensitive and should develop a tougher hide. No one else would have reacted so irrationally to such a small event. Why all the fuss? And, anyway, they have done this or that to us many times.

If we offer an apology with this attitude it is not likely to be effective. One of the worst and most used of all apologies is the If I apology. It goes “I am sorry if I offended you” instead of “I’m sorry that I offended you.” The latter accepts responsibility; the former suggests the victim has some mental or perceptual defect. It is difficult for us to see how we are accountable for our victim.. But, they are wounded! Often our anger and hurt rises to meet theirs and there is stony silence between us.

And yet - the scripture above places the responsibility upon us. It seems that, offender or offended, we cannot escape responsibility. Each is required to forgive; each is required to seek forgiveness.

What is actually needed for a proper apology is a change of heart. If my loved one, brother, or neighbor is offended or hurt, it’s not about me. Would I be so cavalier if someone else had wounded or hurt him? Well, now I am the culprit. And the victim is not me but someone I love, or am called to love. So, I must apologize and ask forgiveness. It is really all I can do about the pain he is suffering.

I came across an all-purpose apology in a small book in a greeting card store. In essence it said:
I am sorry that I said ______or did ______ that offended you today.
(Always name the offense, if you know it.)
Please forgive me. I love you and I never want to hurt you.

That is simple enough for even me to understand.

©Tina Green 2010

True Love

A Real Valentine

A couples group was asked to read several versions of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. The versions used were NIV, KJ, NKJ, AMPL, TLB, New English, and The Message. The group was asked to list what a true lover will do and what a true lover will not do. When the project was completed couples were asked to insert their loved one’s name and read it to their partner. This is their finished product.

Because I love you, ________, I will never give up on you. I will not envy you or become jealous of you. I will not boast about what I have done for you. I will not be proud or haughty. I will not try to draw attention to myself at your expense. I will not be conceited, arrogant, prideful, or rude. It will not always be “Me, first”. I will not insist on my rights or on having my own way. I will not be self-seeking. I will not be touchy, resentful, or fretful. I will not recount evil you have committed against me. I will not hold grudges or keep track of the wrongs I have suffered. I will not become easily angered or frustrated. I will not want more from you than you can give. I will not force my wishes upon you.

Because I love you, _______, I will be patient with you and kind to you. I will rejoice in the truth about you. I will protect you and trust you. I will always be hopeful about you and my hope will endure under all circumstances. I will persevere. I will endure and bear up under anything and everything that comes our way without weakening. I will ever be ready to believe the best about you. You can trust me. I will always want what is best for you. My love will never fade or become obsolete. My love for you will never end.

How about sending (or reading) this to your loved one on Valentines Day?




©Tina Green 2/2008

Likewise, You Wives . . .

Wives, in the same way, be submissive to your husbands . . .
1 Peter 3:1(a) NIV

I can hardly think of a passage of scripture that has caused more discussion than the one that begins with the verse quoted in the title above. It is used and misused in over and over in sermons, lectures, and conferences. And yet few Christians seem to know or accept what it really says. Fewer still seem to recognize that 1 Peter 3:1-6 is only part of a five chapter letter written to the first century Christians. Peter wrote all five chapters telling them how to live with one another.

The word “likewise” in v. 1 is intriguing. It is strategically placed to force us to wonder “Like what?” And nothing in chapter 3 answers that question. If we continue to read forward we don’t find any answers, but we do run into the word again in V.7 (Likewise, you husbands . . .KJV) Husbands?

So, I guess we have to read back. Ooops, there it is, right there in 1 Peter 2:18-25; right in those dreaded verses about slaves. We are dragged back to our image of man’s greatest inhumanity to one another, and from there to the awful, awesome sight at the foot of the Cross. And, from there we are asked to consider God’s view of marriage.

Oh, my. We must read it over and over until we understand what is being asked of us. I think that each of us, man or woman, is being asked to let the self-centered, rebellious part of us be put to death so that we can live with and give to another human being as He intended from the beginning. Someone should have told me.

Tina Green © 2010

The Season of Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy

Today the title is the article. Now that my days of preparing massive holiday meals are behind me I am taking time to remember the emotion and mission of the season. I am writing to remind us all, dear Ladies, to put the first things first. Unless we make a conscious effort to do this, we will find that we have missed the most important gifts of the season - Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy.

My mother was a peaceful, joyful woman – except during the holiday season. During those times she was overwhelmed with the tasks of the celebrations. She took on so much responsibility for keeping peace with the extended family and satisfying the demands and expectations of others that she ended up sick and exhausted.

I learned at her knee to fret over everything, to make too-elaborate plans for meals, gifts, and entertaining, and to believe somehow that I was being judged by everyone by how well I did these things. I suspect that some of you are doing the same as you read this. If so, I refer you back to the PEACE IN THE HOME series of this Blog (See Archives). Everything written there is important for this season. (Peace with God, Peace with Yourself, Peace with Your Husband, Peace with Your Children.)

First things first! Whatever you do, pray first. If what we do isn’t pleasing to God we are wasting our time and energy. Be sure to honor God with your attitude. If we plan it right the whole season will glorify Him.
Here are some thoughts:
· The house is clean enough!
· Don’t try to serve everyone’s favorite dish at one meal.
· Don’t make the fresh Cranberry Relish, or other extravagant dish, unless someone else is hosting the dinner.
· Gifts that really count don’t cost much; giving time costs nothing.
· This is a good time to teach children generosity, sharing, and thankfulness. Try a new family tradition - Volunteer Day - give a young mom a day out, sing for an elderly couple, shop for mittens and hats for another family - Be creative!
· Prolonged guilt about forgiven or unintentional mistakes of the past is not from God.
· If this is not your happiest holiday season, try to bring joy to someone else’s. Give thanks, and try not to dwell too long on what or who is missing.
· Spread peace. Send your first holiday card to the relative who annoys or disapproves of you most. Include a little love note from the Lord.
· Skip the appetizers. Set out bowls of colorful fruits and nuts (in shells) for family snacking. That will hold them until you are ready to serve the meal.
· Remove yourself from all competitions; let the other guy/girl win this time.
· Enjoy God’s creativity as you strive to appreciate all the unique personalities around you. (Yes, all of them.)

BE AT PEACE! GIVE THANKS! REJOICE! We have already received the Greatest Gift of All. And there is enough to share.

Tina Green©2006

Just Stop It!

Something familiar was happening in my kitchen. I sensed that my husband was trying to back out of a commitment he had made to me. That wasn’t the familiar part; he rarely does that. What was familiar was the internal monologue of self-pity and self-righteousness that begins to drone in my head when I am disappointed or inconvenienced. There were the sentences that begin with “I always . . .” and “I would never . . .” But right in the middle of all that I heard myself say to my other self “STOP IT! Just stop thinking that!” Startled by this new option I acknowledged that God was trying to teach me something. I stopped the monologue and continued preparing for the errands I needed to run, assuring myself that I could complete them unaccompanied while my husband went on with what he was doing. It was a struggle at first. But gradually the feelings of disappointment and entitlement subsided.

“That’s it!” I pronounced to myself. That is “self-control!”

A few days earlier I had reached for my Greek-Hebrew Study Bible and Concordance to try to clarify just exactly what it is the “older woman” (me) is supposed to teach the younger women. Titus 2: 3-5 says,
Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

I know that self-control is one of the qualities I am expected to teach but I was not at all clear what the process was that led to this required end. Teaching, for me, always includes the tough learning part first. It is one thing to say a thing and quite another to be able to do it at the time it is needed.

How good God is! Having made this one small step in my understanding I returned to Titus 2 and a few verses later I found confirmation: (12-13) For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,. . .. No surprises here. For, every time we are expected to do something that seems impossible, it turns out that God’s Grace is required, promised and provided.
©Tina Green 2009

Time to Talk Money

After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need

Luke 15:14 (New International Version)

As I stood in the cell phone store waiting to ask a question I watched many youngsters, too young to have full time jobs, gasp in admiration over phones that would cost more than two hundred dollars. A young mother next to me wondered aloud how many bells and whistles she needed to have on the phone she was purchasing for her twelve-year-old. She wondered about how this new acquisition would affect her phone bill. But she was convinced that her child needed a cell phone. Perhaps she did, but I was thinking about the extraordinary cost of providing each family member with his own phone.

One teen gushed, “This is the one I want!” holding a shiny beauty with a huge price tag. The only question seemed to be whether or not her father would buy it. She did not question the wisdom of such a purchase. How difficult it is for parents to convey God’s view of money and possessions to today’s youth. Media gives them such easy, vivid access to the lifestyles of the rich and vapid that those values begin to feel like the norm. Our children, lacking the broader view age and experience provide, believe they are limited only by what they want, not by the family’s finances and goals.

Perhaps during this current economic crisis we can teach some neglected values about money. Many, for the first time, can sit down with the family and discuss not only what they can afford to buy, but what the financial goals of the family are. When circumstances are uncertain children can be taught the wisdom of long and short term saving based on plans and priorities. They can be taught the proper use of credit and the importance of avoiding debt. Children can be helped to understand that parents are not the “bad guy” when they decide not make a purchase.

Our children receive things so easily that they do not understand the value of their belonging or feel the sting of shouldering the cost. Even youngsters who earn their own money need to be taught its value. When my granddaughter lost her second camera her father told her it would not be replaced. As she began to save for a new one she had the face the fact that it would take all of the money she earned from two part time jobs for several months to replace the camera. She still had to pay her tithes and meet her other financial obligations. She shopped very carefully for the new camera and refused to buy it until it went on sale. Children need these glimpses of reality. If they do not understand the struggle it is difficult to teach them responsibility and gratitude.

The Season of Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy

Today the title is the article. Now that my days of preparing massive holiday meals are behind me I am taking time to remember the emotion and mission of the season. I am writing to remind us all, dear Ladies, to put the first things first. Unless we make a conscious effort to do this, we will find that we have missed the most important gifts of the season - Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy.

My mother was a peaceful, joyful woman – except during the holiday season. During those times she was overwhelmed with the tasks of the celebrations. She took on so much responsibility for keeping peace with the extended family and satisfying the demands and expectations of others that she ended up sick and exhausted.

I learned at her knee to fret over everything, to make too-elaborate plans for meals, gifts, and entertaining, and to believe somehow that I was being judged by everyone by how well I did these things. I suspect that some of you are doing the same as you read this. If so, I refer you back to the PEACE IN THE HOME series of this Blog (See Archives). Everything written there is important for this season. (Peace with God, Peace with Yourself, Peace with Your Husband, Peace with Your Children.)

First things first! Whatever you do, pray first. If what we do isn’t pleasing to God we are wasting our time and energy. Be sure to honor God with your attitude. If we plan it right the whole season will glorify Him.
Here are some thoughts:
· The house is clean enough!
· Don’t try to serve everyone’s favorite dish at one meal.
· Don’t make the fresh Cranberry Relish, or other extravagant dish, unless someone else is hosting the dinner.
· Gifts that really count don’t cost much; giving time costs nothing.
· This is a good time to teach children generosity, sharing, and thankfulness. Try a new family tradition - Volunteer Day - give a young mom a day out, sing for an elderly couple, shop for mittens and hats for another family - Be creative!
· Prolonged guilt about forgiven or unintentional mistakes of the past is not from God.
· If this is not your happiest holiday season, try to bring joy to someone else’s. Give thanks, and try not to dwell too long on what or who is missing.
· Spread peace. Send your first holiday card to the relative who annoys or disapproves of you most. Include a little love note from the Lord.
· Skip the appetizers. Set out bowls of colorful fruits and nuts (in shells) for family snacking. That will hold them until you are ready to serve the meal.
· Remove yourself from all competitions; let the other guy/girl win this time.
· Enjoy God’s creativity as you strive to appreciate all the unique personalities around you. (Yes, all of them.)

BE AT PEACE! GIVE THANKS! REJOICE! We have already received the Greatest Gift of All. And there is enough to share.