Reset your Relationship

How to Reset Your Relationship
 

When I taught elementary school I would shake hands with each child as he left for the buses.  This small gesture allowed me to speak a kind, caring, or conciliatory word to each of them in an attempt to reset our relationship at day’s end and prepare for a new start tomorrow.  One day as I turned from my door I heard running feet and heavy breathing headed my way.  One small boy turned into my classroom with his hand extended, panting for air. “I forgot” he gasped, “to shake your hand!”  I gave the proffered hand a firm shake and he dashed away again. I decided this small gesture was actually important.

Right now, I am guessing that most of your conversations with you husband are like oral text messages, transmitting information that is necessary to keep your household in order.  You keep up with schedules, events, and even minor emergencies.  You share anecdotes about children and work, and ask and answer questions.  All of this kind of communication is healthy and essential for people who live together.  But, it is not sufficient to sustain or improve a healthy marital relationship.  

Married people who don’t take the time to heal the minor hurts that naturally occur in course of their relationship will often resort to verbal jabs, sarcasm, perfunctory comments, or even silence.  Many couples respond to this atmosphere in like spirit; that is, justifying, judging, defending, or retaliating. What the relationship needs is a reset! 

How to reset your marital relationship: Set aside or create a peaceful time, free of distractions, when feelings are neutral.  Provide a favorite snack or drink.  Sit close, if possible.  Otherwise, attempt to make eye contact and/or physical contact.  Start a conversation with something real and intimate like:

a.    Sometimes I miss you even though we are right here together.

b.    I felt lonely today. I wanted to invite you to lunch or something.

c.    Yesterday I realized that I said something unkind to you and it made me sad.

     d.    I notice you seem to be busier than usual. Can you share?  etc.

Then ask: I wonder if there is anything I can do to help you feel better about _______________?”  Or “Have I been as helpful as I could be about __________________?”

Then listen with focused attention without interrupting, except for clarifying question.  Accept his suggestion or comments without comment and promise to make every effort to accommodate.  If your partner says nothing stay put and enjoy being in his presence, making some small talk.  ~X Don’t allow this to become a confrontation ~

No matter what happens end the time (15-20 minutes) with the same promise.  “I am glad we had just a little time together.  I am going to try to find a way to do this again.”   (It is a good idea to declare some hour of the day or week Daddy/Mommy time and let the children know it. No interruptions except for “blood on the floor”!) 

You can probably do better than this once you get the idea.  Most “fights” are not about the purported subject; they’re about disconnection and lack of sexual (or probably non-sexual) intimacy.

(Next: Why Wives?)