COMMUNICATION I

Guarding Marriage

Every marriage is in danger if communication is not carefully guarded.  That sometimes means being careful not to respond out of hurt feelings, wounded pride, or thoughts of desperation.  Once when my husband and I were going through a rough patch we were having protracted heated discussions.  This took place over a period of weeks whenever the children were out of earshot.  At one point, in complete exhaustion my husband said, “I don’t know.  Maybe marriages like ours (career military) just can’t make it.”  

 

Actually, several marriages in our circle had recently broken up.  I realize now that if I had responded out of pride or hurt or fear we would have been in serious trouble.  I also realize now that my husband’s comment was an expression of his fears.  But I just turned into a crazy woman.  “What are you talking about?”  I screamed.  “No one and nothing outside the two of us is going to determine how long we stay married.  This marriage is not up for grabs.  It does not belong to the Marine Corps: itbelongs to us.  What is happening now is not a threat to our marriage because we are not giving that up.  We just have to find a way to work through this but it has nothing to do with our staying married!”  I was literally shrieking at him, as close up as I could get.  I was protecting the most important thing in my (natural) life: my marriage!  As I held on to him I saw what looked like relief in his face.  Until that moment he wasn’t sure how much trouble we were in.  He was from a broken home and he wanted to know if I was giving up.  By suggesting that this problem could end our marriage, he had put it all in perspective for me. 

 

Wives, sometimes we are the guardians of our marriages.  Take a stand for the marriage and assume that everything else can be worked out.  It may not turn out that way but it is the best place to start. 

Toward the Goal

(By request: First posted March 2006)

 

 . . . do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.Col 3:21(NIV)

How often we read that scripture without knowing how to apply it to ourselves.  We do the tough job of setting and enforcing limits to the best of our ability,  as God requires, seeking His guidance and direction.  We recognize the child’s will seeks its own way.  Sometimes we seem to be in a battle for our very lives - and theirs.  Yet, we are admonished not to cause them to become discouraged, dispirited, or  disheartened. 

 

In the book Self-Confrontation, a manual for training Christian counselors, the authors list thirty-one ways that parents embitter their children.  As I read them it seems that the way parents provoke their children is by focusing on themselves rather than on God’s plan for the child.  We focus on our fears, anger, frustration, impatience, embarrassment, pride, fatigue, uncertainty, or disappointment.  Then we address our child’s behavior or requests.  Often the child reacts to our motivation and becomes angry.

 

When my daughter was twelve years old she was invited by a classmate to a party given by the other child’s older siblings.  It would certainly not be the proper environment for a pre-teen.  I told my daughter she was too young for this party and left her sobbing angrily on the front steps.  I was annoyed that I had to deal with this problem at this point in my day.  Why didn’t she know not to make such a ridiculous request?  When I was her age I would have known better.  But, as I walked into the kitchen, God gave me a momentary glimpse of my own twelve-year-old world,  How often  I cried as I dealt with the challenges of being not yet grown up but not still a child. 

 

My goal was right.  My answer was right.  But, my focus was wrong, and my child was angry.   With the memory of my own youth fresh in my mind, I went back to my daughter, took her in my arms, and held her tight.  I expressed sadness that she was so disappointed.  I told her I was sorry this party had not been planned with her in mind, and I hoped there would be an appropriate one soon.  As we talked, the anger dissolved.  No.  I couldn’t change my answer, but I did change my attitude.  I put her feelings ahead of my own.  My daughter saw that I was really on her side.  She saw that, in setting the limits, I was doing what God required me to do, not just spoiling her fun.  We planned another activity for the day of the party. 

 

Our goal as parents is to providediscipline and structure for our children so that we can bring them up in the fear of the Lord.  To do this they must see us submitting our wills to Jesus and see Him working in us.

TG © 1998

UNDER AUTHORITY

“Obey” is not a Four-Letter Word!

 

My husband and I were sightseeing one day with four of our nine grandchildren.  There was his little group in front and my little group in the rear, with the seven-year-old in between.  In a split second she decided to catch up with the forward group and took off like a shot.  I shouted: “Brianna, Stop!”  She stopped and did not move another inch.  If she had she would have entered an active traffic lane as the light changed. I am so grateful my daughter and her husband have taught their children to obey.  (They are still deciding if the children will ever be allowed to visit us again.)

 

 I am convinced that there is no more important lesson we teach our children than obedience.  I understand that this is a minority position.  American society has attached mostly negative connotations to the word “obey”.  I am also convinced that it is the most difficult lesson to teach children.  Some of the reasons for the difficulty lie in them, some in us.  The child is born with a will.  God put it there.  This is so that throughout his life he will have to choose whether or not to do right, thereby taming his own errant nature conforming it to the will of the Father. How successful he is in controlling his inner urges will determine his ability to safely pass through the rapids of life’s challenges.

 

The problem is that this will is also the root of strivings, rebellion, independence, and personality.  The task of parenting is to help the child to rein in the functions of his will that can cause him harm without destroying the others.  (Americans value striving and independence more than some other cultures do.)  American parents speak of “breaking the child’s spirit” when they discuss teaching obedience.  Some parents even encourage rebelling against authority as positive self-expression.  Many parents are themselves, in rebellion.  This ambivalence can make parental guidance a hit-or-miss proposition.

 

But the Christian life is a life under authority.  Wherever God chooses to require something of us, I like to think about the purpose of the requirement.  It is interesting that scripture seldom feels the need to explain, as we so often do, the reason obedience is required.  I suppose that is because when our benevolent Father commands somethingBecause of his love for us, he expects obedience as evidence of our love for Him.  Invariably our freedom is limited for our protection or for our good Most of the commands we give our children are inspired by the same motives. (If our rules and directions do not meet that criterion we should address our own motives and amend our commands accordingly.)  We should not allow the child’s questions or discomfort to cause us to change our expectations.  Whatever you want to teach your child, teach obedience first.  

 

PERSONAL WALK

Just for me!

 

After years of negative input, much of it from our own internal voices, it is difficult for some of us to believe that we have any value in God’s sight.  In case I might forget I get reminded once a month. 

 

This happened the first time soon after I gave my life to Christ.  I was seated in a darkened corner of the sanctuary one Sunday morning.  The elements for communion had been passed out and the congregation was praying over them quietly.  As I held the bread and grape juice in my hands I prayed a prayer of Thanksgiving that the Lord had rescued us sinners from the world’s view of our existence.  A small, firm voice whispered into my spirit, saying, “I would have done it if you had been the only one.”  I sat there for a moment not fully comprehending.  The voice spoke again. “I would have died if you had been the only one.”  At that moment I was overwhelmed by a sense of peace and love, too wonderful to express or understand.  Tears of joy ran down my face and for the first time in my life I felt fully loved and accepted, just as I was.

 

My worth is no longer in question.  Each time I hold the communion elements in my hands my heart is blessed.  I am reminded, “He did not just die, he did it for me!”

GOD'S PROVISION II

Pouring Out

 

But we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.

 

For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.

1Thessolonians 2:7-8, 11-12(NIV)

 

A few years ago I came across a greeting card with a picture of a small watering can on the front.  It said “When You pour out. . .”  Inside was a larger watering can and the caption continued “. . .He pours in.”  How I loved that card.  Before I committed my life to Christ I used to live in fear of being used up by the people who came into my life.  After my conversion I was astonished to find out that pouring out was one of the assignments He had for me.  Whenever that old fear would return I would have to run to the Lord and cry out Him to supply my need.

 

Whether you call it mentoring, discipling, or spiritual parenting, those of us who are chosen to pour into the lives of others will often find the experience bitter-sweet. We are required to live out the passion of the passages in 1Thessolonians with no reservations, but we must also recognize that these “spiritual children” have a will of their own.  They must someday take what we have given them and walk away from us.  If they walk in the way we have prayed that they would, we rejoice with great thanksgivinig.  But, if they choose another way we are hurt and disheartened. 

 

And, our task does not end there.  If we are to be servants who are worthy of our hire we must continue to pour out, praying and seeking God on behalf of this one who has dealt us such a deep wound.  Further, we may not allow bitterness to form a callus on our hearts.  We must do all the work of forgiveness and keep the light on for them in our hearts in case they should once again need us.  All this is impossible unless we remember: “When we pour out, He pours in.”

 

From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

 Luke 12:48b(NIV)

 

PERSONAL WALK

What Do You Need?     

 

Before I make a cake I conduct a little inventory of the refrigerator and pantry to see what I need.  Then I make a shopping list.  This is a routine activity that causes me little angst.  I don’t scold myself because the vanilla extract is low or feel ashamed because I used up the last of the eggs.  I just head off to the store.

 

When I read 1st Corinthians 13 or Colossians 3, I often find myself in distress over how little of the love ingredients I have to adequately serve my neighbors (spouse, children, colleagues, etc.)   I either admonish myself for my shortcomings, bristle at the demand or try to brush the need aside and let those people fend for themselves.  I don’t immediately take my “shopping list” to the source where the missing ingredient can be supplied.  And yet, that is what our all-sufficient Lord has asked us to do.

I am not trying to trivialize the process of prayer.   The interesting thing about this is that He knows!  He knows what we are missing and is ready to supply all our needs according to his abundant riches.  But we have to ask!  What keeps us from asking is the same pride, rebellion, independence and mistrust that has plagued humankind since the Garden.  What grand notions we have of ourselves compared to how He sees us! 

As a father has compassion on his children,
       so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. Psalm 103:14-15 NIV

Beating ourselves up about these limitations is to suggest that we should have already attained that which only God is able to build in us.  He allows us to enter situations like marriage, parenting, communities, workplaces, and churches where our needs will soon become painfully obvious so that we will realize our dependence upon Him.

O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Hymn: “What a Friend We Have in Jesus”

Words: Joseph Scriven, music: Charles C. Converse.

TRUST AND OBEY, II

Under Authority – How it Really Works

For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. 1 Peter 3:5, 6 (NIV)

 

Many “modern” women have asked their minister to remove the word “obey” from their wedding vows.  Many clergymen have removed it without being asked.  In the modern world, the obedience of a married woman is no longer expected.  But for Christian women the requirement of scripture to obey one’s husband can cause serious personal struggles for which we are rarely prepared.

 

This subject came up in a recent discussion with a group of women.  What should a Christian woman do when her husband tells her to do something that she thinks is not in the family’s best interest.  The topics were wide ranging: quit a job, get a job (small children at home), sign papers for a loan, move to another community (or state, or country).  The issues did not involve committing a sin. 

 

As women under authority, we are required to obey.  God never gives us the whole picture of anything.  That is why he requires obedience.  When we obey our husbands it keeps us under God's protective covering.  Since the wife may be right in this matter, and the husband may be wrong, we must proceed cautiously.  As your husband’s helper you should be seeking God’s will on his behalf and not just your own.  In order to approach this situation prepared for God’s answer wives should follow these steps:

 

1)  Check yourself.  Ask God to show you if there is any rebellion in you. Sometimes your tears and anger are signs of your own willfulness.   Confess your sin, with thanksgiving (be thankful for a husband who takes on the responsibility of leadership.)  Cry out to God and ask Him to remove your need to have your own way.

 

2)  Cry out to God.  Present your requests to God with.  Submit your will to God.  Ask Him to direct your husband in this matter.  Ask God to speak to you through your husband, or show him if he is wrong. Women who want a husband who leads must be prepared to follow.

 

3)  Speak to your husband again.  Pick a neutral time. Speak calmly to your husband, promising not to raise the issue again. Present your concerns and alternatives clearly.  This is not a time to convince him that he is wrong.  You are acting as an advisor, a helper.  Let him know you will comply with his decision.  Ask him to pray again before he answers.

 

4)  Cry out to God again.  If the decision is not what you hoped, ask God to guide you as you comply.  Ask Him to be in charge of the process.  Pray that God will protect your family and give you peace.  Pray and give thanks; rejoice, sing praises to God.  Expect to experience some feelings of sadness and loss. You may talk to a trusted friend who understands your desire to please God (not the one who always takes your side.)  Do not take your grieving out on your husband.  Remember what Jesus said in the garden: “Nevertheless, not my will, but Thine.”

 

5)  Watch God work.  Keeping a journal of what God has done helps many women remember to trust God in the difficult times.  He loves you.   

 

Trust and obey.  There is not better way

 to be happy in Jesus than to trust and obey.

Hymm, John Sammis, 1887