DID YOU KNOW. . .:

It’s not about the Baby!

“But, she loves the baby.”  This is the comment parents usually make while struggling to understand the behavior of an older child when the new baby arrives.   Whether or not it is true, it is irrelevant.  Sibling rivalry has very little to do with the baby.  It has to do with sharing - sharing time, sharing attention, sharing the people each child knows are essential to his well-being.  It has to do with fear of loss.  And everyone feels it. 

 

Things Are Different

Mom and Dad know things will be different around the house, and they have time to prepare for it.  Dr. Jerry King, in his book, Marriage: A Kingdom Perspective discusses parental responses to the arrival of a new baby.

 

The father is often surprised by the degree of jealousy and anger he feels.  It slips up on him and catches him off guard.  Among the factors is a deep sense of guilt and shame these emotions bring when contrasted with the intense love and pride that he also feels. 

(p. 52)

Dealing with such conflicting feelings presents adults with a tough challenge. How much more overwhelmingthey must be to preschool siblings. These feelings don’t go away quickly.  A happy, competent 3-year-old began soiling her pants when her brother was 15-months-old. Other hints led her parents to suspect she was competing with the baby.  Why did she wait so long to show it?  It took that long for him to threaten her world.  After a few days of intensive reassuring, she was willing to try being a big girl again.

 

If you have a baby or are expecting a new arrival, address sibling rivalry in your prayer time.  Ask God to show you what your older children might be feeling.  Remain faithful to family nights, family devotions, and other routines.  Remember the newcomer is only one member of the family.   Both Mom and Dad can establish a special time with each child and mark it on the calendar.  Twenty to thirty minutes of predictable time is better than three hours, now and then.   And, relax.  She probably really does love the baby.

 

PEACE IN THE HOME, Part II

Peace with Yourself

 

        We spend our lives in a tug-of-war with ourselves.  Since humans are self-centered by nature and our thirst for righteousness compels us try to be selfless, we often neglect our true needs.  Here are some steps that will help you be more peaceful in your home by making peace with yourself.

1.     Make time for your time with God.

Don’t make this a chore. Rest in Him. Receive a refreshing as from a dear friend.  Remember he has been waiting for you.  We are all too conscientious; we work too hard, complicating our relationship with God.  Relax, he loves you. Read. Sing. Dance.  Praise.  Or just be quiet with Him. Remember: He never intended for us to do this job without him.

2.   Make a schedule that includes you. 

Plan time in your schedule to be alone. This may include your time for special grooming or putting private things in order.  Sorting or filing things you use or need can prevent stress later.  Take time for an activity only you enjoy, or join a friend.  You may just need time to rest.  If you don’t plan it you will steal it from other projects or just be under-productive. Failing to plan time for yourself will eventually cause you to build resentment.  

3.    Watch how you talk to yourself.

Do some vocabulary work.  Our own internal language is often more destructive to us than the words of others.  We set ourselves up for failure because our words to ourselves are not words of grace and encouragement.  Eliminate words like should, must, have to, ought to, and especially, should have. It is human to have regrets, but you can’t live backwards. 

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phil 3:13-14NIV

4.   Allow yourself to be only human.

You are to do all you can, the best you can, but no   more.  Let go, let God.  You are responsible for the work but He is in charge of the outcome.  Have you done your best?  Then you must rest in that truth.  No one can require more of you – not even you.  It is especially important to acknowledge this when others are not satisfied.  Keep hold of this quiet truth; don’t expect others to understand.  It will keep you at peace even in the midst of turmoil. 

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

Isaiah 26:3 NIV

 

. . . and Love Your Neighbor III

SERVE THEM?

When your neighbor offends you, you are required to forgive.  Serving him is one way to facilitate such forgiveness.  Find a special way to meet a need for your neighbor.  Minister to him in a way that brings healing.  Usually, it helps to do something physical and tangible.  Don’t look for the easy way out. This kind of service should cost you something. Use your time, your energy, and your resources to perform this task.  Bake him a cake, shop for a special gift, or make one, prepare a surprise.  If the pipes have been cleaned of unforgiveness, you will begin to feel a twinge of happiness and gratitude as you prepare to care for another.

 

I awakened in the morning still angry with Dan, one of the many young people God has placed in our care from time to time.  He had betrayed me again, and I was at the end of my patience.  As I walked around the house fuming inside I turned to an activity that usually gives me comfort: baking.  As I pulled out the ingredients for cookies I touched the walnuts. “Dan doesn’t like walnuts in his cookies”, I thought.  I put them back and began to assemble only those ingredients that he likes.  Gradually, as I baked the cookies, I felt my mood change.  Soon my heart had softened and I no longer wished to do him bodily harm.  I was actually happy that I had done something that would bring him joy and looked forward to surprising him when he came home.  I also began to form the words of the confrontation we would have.  I felt God selecting words of grace, words of affirmation, and words of instruction.  Honest, loving, communication intended for correction and healing replaced the bitter, self-centered diatribe I had been planning.  Dan was completely unprepared for the cookies and my attitude.  This was not what his experience had taught him to expect from someone who was upset with him.  God had a plan to reach him through love and forgiveness.

The Hot Spot

How does God speak to you about you?

 

Sometimes, when God wants to get your attention about a spot or wrinkle in your character, He will place you in what I have come to call the "hot spot".  He will reveal something to you about yourself that He wants to change.  Usually you have opened that door to him by asking a question about it in your quiet time with him.  He hears your heart and His response is to surround you with subtle answers about this area of sin.  You find it cropping up everywhere - in conversations with others, in sermons, devotionals, bible studies, even music.  It is not a comfortable place to be but you don't usually have to stay there very long.  This “hot spot” indicates that God is about to perform radical surgery. 

 

Several times in my life I have found myself under this kind of spotlight.  What usually works for me, once I identify the problem, is to cry out to God that I don't want to have this flaw anymore.  I refuse to protect or defend it and I give up all rights to keep it.  No more "That's the way I am" justifications.  This is sin as ugly as sin gets and I will not tolerate it in my life.  The Holy Spirit loves it when we lay our lives open for him to remove forever the habits that offend him and others. 

 

I pray that, as a wife and mother, you will act quickly to confess your sin (disrespect, impatience, moods, etc.), then see how fast and clean the surgery is.  Be sure you are ready to be radically changed.  Being in the Hot Spot is only for the brave and committed.  God takes us there when we are no longer satisfied with sin.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  1John 1:9NIV

Parenting Toward the Goal II

How Do Christian Parents Miss the Mark?

A goal, a target, a mark.  Words we use to define a predetermined point we are trying to reach.  Many of us live our lives with a goal or target in mind.   What does this mean in Christian parenting?  In child-rearing, as daily concerns and crises drag on our immediate attention, it is easy to lose sight of parenting’s ultimate goal.  That goal is to build Christlikeness into our children so that they can.  “. . .  live lives worthy of God who calls us to his kingdom in glory.” (I Thessalonians 2:11 NIV)

 

How do parents miss the mark?  Here is a scene repeated millions of times across the country each day:  A child sitting in a super market cart drones on and on, “Dad, Dad, Dad. . ., DADDY!”  His father is distracted, looking at his list, looking at items on the shelf, comparing prices.  The boy reaches out and drags a jar off the shelf, nearly dropping it to the floor.  His father snaps to attention, catches the jar and begins to scold his son:  “DON’T DO THAT!  You know better.  How many times have I told you not to touch things in the store?” 

 

What is this man’s goal?  To have a well behaved child.  However, he has just taught his son that the best way to get his father’s attention is to misbehave.  This is a lesson the boy will now have to unlearn.

 

So, we see the importance of parenting toward the goal.  Think of it as a labor-saving device.

PEACE IN THE HOME, Part 1

Peace with God 

 

I have nine grandchildren.  I am a hands-on grandmother.  Even though they all live at least a days drive away, I have cared for them for extended periods at every stage of their development. As hard as I try when I am with the kids I cannot get out of hair braiding, home schooling and carpooling. I drive to karate, piano, ballet, and cheerleading. I oversee homework, music practice, devotions and prayers.  And I need to have lunches and dinners ready on time.  In the midst of it all, when the stress of it is fresh in my mind, and I am admiring my daughter and daughter-in-law, and young mothers everywhere, it has occurred to me that the one place in the home that a woman can make peaceful is herself.  And, for the sake of all concerned, she must.

 

Sometimes it is hard to recognize that God has made provision for us.  As a young mother I used to work feverishly trying to convince God that I could handle it all.  Each crisis would renew my efforts, as tired as I was, to demonstrate that I had it all under control.  My, how pleased God must be, or how annoyed or disappointed or…..  It never occurred to me that He wanted to help me. 

 

Oh, I prayed.  But I never let go of the reigns.  Imagine me with a wild horse on the end of a rope and crying out “help, help” but refusing to release the rope, even to the expert horse trainer who comes to my aid.  I now know that the King of the universe was waiting patiently for me to allow him to help me.  He said he would provide all my needs, he knows my needs before I speak them. In Philippians 4 we read:

 

4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. NIV

 

 This is a passage with a promise – wives should memorize it. Even in the midst of chaos we must believe that we can have the peace God promises.  The enemy of our soul is also the enemy of our home.  We must decide whose report we will believe, allow the peace we have asked for to come, and stop fretting.  Accept His loving provision.

 

Parenting Toward the Goal:

 . . . do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.Col 3:21(NIV)

How often we read that scripture without knowing how to apply it to ourselves.  We do the tough job of setting and enforcing limits to the best of our ability,  as God requires, seeking His guidance and direction.  We recognize the child’s will seeks its own way.  Sometimes we seem to be in a battle for our very lives - and theirs.  Yet, we are admonished not to cause them to become discouraged, dispirited, or  disheartened. 

 

In the book Self-Confrontation, a manual for training Christian counselors, the authors list thirty-one ways that parents embitter their children.  As I read them it seems that the way parents provoke their children is by focusing on themselves rather than on God’s plan for the child.  We focus on our fears, anger, frustration, impatience, embarrassment, pride, fatigue, uncertainty, or disappointment.  Then we address our child’s behavior or requests.  Often the child reacts to our motivation and becomes angry.

 

When my daughter was twelve years old she was invited by a classmate to a party given by the other child’s older siblings.  It would certainly not be the proper environment for a pre-teen.  I told my daughter she was too young for this party and left her sobbing angrily on the front steps.  I was annoyed that I had to deal with this problem at this point in my day.  Why didn’t she know not to make such a ridiculous request?  When I was her age I would have known better.  But, as I walked into the kitchen, God gave me a momentary glimpse of my own twelve-year-old world,  How often  I cried as I dealt with the challenges of being not yet grown up but not still a child. 

 

My goal was right.  My answer was right.  But, my focus was wrong, and my child was angry.   With the memory of my own youth fresh in my mind, I went back to my daughter, took her in my arms, and held her tight.  I expressed sadness that she was so disappointed.  I told her I was sorry this party had not been planned with her in mind, and I hoped there would be an appropriate one soon.  As we talked, the anger dissolved.  No.  I couldn’t change my answer, but I did change my attitude.  I put her feelings ahead of my own.  My daughter saw that I was really on her side.  She saw that, in setting the limits, I was doing what God required me to do, not just spoiling her fun.  We planned another activity for the day of the party. 

 

Our goal as parents is to provide discipline and structure for our children so that we can bring them up in the fear of the Lord.  To do this they must see us submitting our wills to Jesus and see Him working in us.

TG © 1998