Why Wives?

A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
 Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12 (NIV)

A while back I wrote to you about resetting your relationship (April 25, 20215) with your husband.  One woman who read it before it was posted asked me why it always fell to the wife to create the atmosphere for a talk to help to improve the marital environment.  I have heard this question many times before, though I have never asked it myself.  I have never asked it because my own dear husband would suffer in silence forever before he would raise the issue for discussion.  Why? Because he has very little talent for that sort of communication.  He depends on me to keep our home comfortable physically and emotionally.  I am his helper, and that is the help he needs from me. 

Husbands are often aware of the tension in the air but don’t know what to do to make it better.  They are unlikely to read an article like this.  They also find our emotional lives very confusing given the hormonal changes (they think) we experience.  Another reason that wives may be the ones to initiate change in the home is because we are more likely to recognize the need and believe that something should be done.  We are far more hopeful that change is possible (even if it isn’t). 

Scripture may give us the third reason that wives usually initiate attempts to improve their relationships.  Proverbs 14:1 states “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” (NIV)  The Easy-to-Read Version (ERV) puts it this way, “A wise woman makes her home what it should be, but the home of a foolish woman is destroyed by her own actions.^[a] I believe God gives woman the wisdom to know how to build and protect her emotional house.  We are admonished not to allow it to be destroyed by foolishness. 

Sometimes it is wise to remember that “wife” is a job title as well as a relationship description.  We have accepted the job of wife for which we have been carefully designed.  Do not allow your frustration with your husband or the struggles you face cause you to neglect the work that is necessary to keep your home strong and healthy. May God be pleased with your service.

 

A Friend Moves On

Elizabeth Elliot 1926-2015

Last week my dear friend, Elizabeth Elliot, passed away.  No, I never met her but she has been a special part of my life for many years, through her books and articles.  I was attracted to her because she believed in marriage, and she believed that the Bible held the answers to making relationships work.  She made it make sense.

Elizabeth is most easily recognized because her first husband was Jim Elliot, the missionary who was killed by South American indians in 1956. (See film: The End of the Spear)  In honor of her life’s work, I am posting one of the articles that illustrates her gifts:

Leave Him to Me

When there is deep misunderstanding which has led to the erection of barriers between two who once were close, every day brings the strengthening of those barriers if they are not, by God's grace, breached. One prays and finds no way at all to break through. Love seems to "backfire" every time. Explanations become impossible. New accusations arise, it seems, from nowhere (though it is well to recall who is named the Accuser of the brethren). The situation becomes ever more complex and insoluble, and the mind goes round and round, seeking the place where things went wrong, brooding over the words which were like daggers, regretting the failures and mistakes, wondering (most painfully) how it could have been different. Much spiritual and emotional energy is drained in this way--but the Lord wants to teach us to commit, trust, and rest.

"Leave him to me this afternoon," is what his word is. "There is nothing else that I am asking
of you this afternoon but that: leave him to Me. You cannot fathom all that is taking place. You
don't need to. I am at work--in you, in him.  Leave him to Me. Some day it will come clear--trust Me."

"Humble yourselves under God's mighty hand, and he will lift you up in due time. Cast all your
cares on Him, for you [and the other] are hischarge" (l Pt 5:7).
Elisabeth Elliot, A Lamp For My Feet

Me, First

^{Me, First}

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. 1Cor 1:23(NIV)

There is a great deal of religious confusion in the world today.  As a result many have begun to externalize our Christianity. By this I mean we look outside ourselves for direction and affirmation instead of referencing our relationship with God and following his instruction.  No one knows where you are in your walk with the Lord and no one knows your struggles.  You cannot truly know anyone else.

I knew a woman who sang on the praise team at her church. She told me privately that sometimes during the worship she has to step aside or take a seat.  She said that she needed to do that because before accepting Christ she was a nightclub singer.  When a song had a rhythm or a sound that reminded her of music from her past, she needed to remain silent and keep her heart and mind fixed on Jesus.

It is easy to imagine the chorus of opinions this story would evoke but this woman was being authentic, true to her herself and her pursuit of godliness.  Only she and the Holy Spirit know her struggles.  She does not need external rules, comparisons, or the affirmation of others in this area of her life.  She understands that she must run the course that God has set before her. 

I am convinced that the most important thing I can do to grow in Christ is to look at me, first.

God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.  God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are,  so that no one may boast before him.  It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.  Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.1 Cor 1:27-31(NIV)

Reset your Relationship

How to Reset Your Relationship
 

When I taught elementary school I would shake hands with each child as he left for the buses.  This small gesture allowed me to speak a kind, caring, or conciliatory word to each of them in an attempt to reset our relationship at day’s end and prepare for a new start tomorrow.  One day as I turned from my door I heard running feet and heavy breathing headed my way.  One small boy turned into my classroom with his hand extended, panting for air. “I forgot” he gasped, “to shake your hand!”  I gave the proffered hand a firm shake and he dashed away again. I decided this small gesture was actually important.

Right now, I am guessing that most of your conversations with you husband are like oral text messages, transmitting information that is necessary to keep your household in order.  You keep up with schedules, events, and even minor emergencies.  You share anecdotes about children and work, and ask and answer questions.  All of this kind of communication is healthy and essential for people who live together.  But, it is not sufficient to sustain or improve a healthy marital relationship.  

Married people who don’t take the time to heal the minor hurts that naturally occur in course of their relationship will often resort to verbal jabs, sarcasm, perfunctory comments, or even silence.  Many couples respond to this atmosphere in like spirit; that is, justifying, judging, defending, or retaliating. What the relationship needs is a reset! 

How to reset your marital relationship: Set aside or create a peaceful time, free of distractions, when feelings are neutral.  Provide a favorite snack or drink.  Sit close, if possible.  Otherwise, attempt to make eye contact and/or physical contact.  Start a conversation with something real and intimate like:

a.    Sometimes I miss you even though we are right here together.

b.    I felt lonely today. I wanted to invite you to lunch or something.

c.    Yesterday I realized that I said something unkind to you and it made me sad.

     d.    I notice you seem to be busier than usual. Can you share?  etc.

Then ask: I wonder if there is anything I can do to help you feel better about _______________?”  Or “Have I been as helpful as I could be about __________________?”

Then listen with focused attention without interrupting, except for clarifying question.  Accept his suggestion or comments without comment and promise to make every effort to accommodate.  If your partner says nothing stay put and enjoy being in his presence, making some small talk.  ~X Don’t allow this to become a confrontation ~

No matter what happens end the time (15-20 minutes) with the same promise.  “I am glad we had just a little time together.  I am going to try to find a way to do this again.”   (It is a good idea to declare some hour of the day or week Daddy/Mommy time and let the children know it. No interruptions except for “blood on the floor”!) 

You can probably do better than this once you get the idea.  Most “fights” are not about the purported subject; they’re about disconnection and lack of sexual (or probably non-sexual) intimacy.

(Next: Why Wives?)

 

ALL CHRISTIAN LIVES MATTER!

My Dear readers.

I posted the attached article on Facebook a week ago.  It was reposted by a couple of my friends with large “friend” lists.  To date none of us has received a single comment.  Unbelievable!  If there was one issue around which I believed all Christians could unite it was this one: Christians being slaughtered solely for being Christians.  Where is the outcry about this from Christians worldwide?  (Does anyone remember Terry Schivo{sp},  the woman on life support in Florida?)  Where are the vigils, the rallies, the calls to prayer and action?  Where is the grief and sorrow?  Could it be that even in such dangerous times only certain Christian lives matter; only Christians of certain colors or ethnicities? How terrifyingly disappointing this is.

Excerpt from:

"Has the world ‘looked the other way’ while Christians are killed?"

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/04/07/has-the-world-looked-the-other-way-while-christians-are-killed/

The atmosphere in the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square turned from celebratory to somber as Pope Francis devoted his address Monday to the bleak subject that has occupied most of his recent remarks.

“Our brothers and our sisters … are persecuted, exiled, slain, beheaded, solely for being Christian,” he said, his expression tense, his cadence slow but deliberate.

Speaking from a window of the Apostolic Palace, the pope said that there have been more “martyrs” for Christianity in recent years than in the early centuries of the faith.

“I hope that the international community doesn’t stand mute and inert before such unacceptable crimes, which constitute a worrisome erosion of the most elementary human rights. I truly hope that the international community doesn’t look the other way.”

The persecution of Christians is a theme that ran through most of the pope’s speeches this weekend. At a Good Friday procession, he decried the world’s “complicit silence” while members of his faith are killed. On Sunday, he devoted his Easter address to a grim accounting of global conflicts where Christians and others have been killed. His speech referenced the attack on Garissa University College in eastern Kenya last week, in which al-Shabab militants killed at least 148 people, reportedly singling out non-Muslims. It also referred to “absurd bloodshed” and “barbarous acts of violence” in Libya, where 21 Egyptian Christians were beheaded by the Islamic State in February.

“May the international community not stand by before the immense humanitarian tragedy unfolding in these countries and the drama of the numerous refugees,” he said of the conflict in Iraq and Syria.

Has the world really “looked the other way” while Christians are killed?

David Curry, president of the nonprofit Open Doors USA, which advocates for persecuted Christians worldwide, believes so.

“We see a continued pattern in many of these regions of violence and persecution against Christians,” he said in a phone interview. “But the West and Western governments, including the U.S., when they conflict-map these issues, they refuse to address the fact that Christians are being targeted.”

For complete article click below:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/04/07/has-the-world-looked-the-other-way-while-christians-are-killed

Who Giveth This Woman?

Who Giveth This Woman?

Change is interesting to observe.  Change is one way of seeking to solve a perceived problem.  Since sustaining a healthy marriage is perceived to be a problem, some assume that the more we change or discard  symbols of traditional marriage the better off we will be.  Traditional vows are giving way to "personal" vows, composed by the couple.  The "giving of the Bride" is no longer prominent in many modern weddings.  But Scripture insists upon dragging us back to those symbols so that we can understand the position and standing of the bride and groom, and thereby understand our relationship to our Heavenly Father.

At the moment of Christ’s death, we are told, the curtain of the temple was torn apart.  This curtain, or veil, which had hidden the Holy of Holies from all but the highest priests, was now parted, granting full access to this sacred place. The beneficiary of this privilege is the Church for which Christ gave his life. 

The Church, Christ's bride, was given to Jesus by his Father but he could not claim her, have full access to her until he suffered and died.  Likewise the bride is given to the groom by her father which is signified by the lifting of her veil, granting him all access to her. But with the understanding that he is expected to suffer and die for her sake.  She on the other hand has only to submit and serve to receive all that he has to offer her. She has been given into his care.

Without being taught about the marriage in this way we cannot understand the intimacy of either our marital relationship or our relationship with Christ.

 

Biblical Wife

Wives' Work

One day, after I had been struggling with myself in the area of submission for several years, my husband was telling to me about a serious matter at work.  I listened carefully to his plan of action, and then suggested a very different course.  I was pleasantly surprised that he considered my comments and discussed them with me.  Even though I knew little about the issue compared to him, he decided to take my approach instead of his own.  He later told me the situation turned out better than he had hoped.

What was remarkable about this incident was the absence of tension - you know - that feeling of entering a combat zone.  My husband listened to me!  He apparently did not feel threatened by my suggestions.  We were facing a problem as “one flesh”.  I was immediately reminded of a prayer I have prayed often since I began to pursue becoming a biblical wife

.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her. . . (Prov. 31:11a KJV)

“Lord, let this be the gift I give to my husband each day.”

The importance of this “benefit” cannot be overstated.   As your husband’s help-meet (his suitable helper), you may be the only force standing between him and many destructive pressures.  The Holy Spirit can use you to warn him of dangers he may not see from his position as the head of the family.

True submission is s matter of the heart. A truly sibmitted wife is open to serve her husband in his area of need. She is on his side and acts on his behalf.  A prominent national bible teacher tells this story about his wife: She answered the telephone for him in their hotel room as he prepared for a major speech.  On the line their oldest son asked to speak to his father.  The husband dismissed the request, telling her to tell the boy he would call him back.  The woman gently told her husband that their son needed to speak to him and placed the telephone on the table.  After taking a few minutes to talk to the boy, her husband thanked her for not letting him confuse his priorities. 

Only a truly submitted woman could so adamantly defend her husband and her family.  Being a Biblical Wife is a practical matter, allowing you to do the work God intended for you from the Beginning.