Make Peace with your Children
“But we behaved gently when we were among you, like a devoted mother nursing and cherishing her own children. So, being thus tenderly and affectionately desirous of you, we continued to share with you not only God's good news (the Gospel) but also our own lives as well, for you had become so very dear to us.” I Thess 2:7-8 (AMP)
Do you hear the joy of sacrifice expressed by the writer of this passage? He modeled and compared his apostolic ministry to being a mother. Mothering offers you the opportunity to share your love, your skills, your passions, your Faith, and your very self with your children. Aside from your relationship with Christ there is nothing to compare to it. Christ gives to his followers, they receive from Him, and they give to others out of that abundance. Allow the reality of the scriptures to help you to be peaceful in your relationship with your children. Mothering means sharing all that you have and all that you are with your children. What a blessed opportunity!
1. Make your relationship clear. You are their parent; they are your children.
It is amazing the confusion that is caused when this basic fact is overlooked. Sometimes our children seem so charming or amusing or demanding that we try to ‘win’ them as we would a desired friend. Loving children means making sure that we always regard them as children, constantly in need of encouragement, guidance and correction. If we try to be a friend or buddy we neglect the primary relationship – the one designed by God for the perpetuation of mankind. No one can be a better mother to them than you. Children of all ages need their parents to be their parents.
2. Make time to listen as well as to talk. You need to know what your children think.
We are encouraged to seek the “teachable moments” to share God’s precepts with our children. Take every opportunity to teach what is good. (Deut.11:19) But, you will find there is more peace in your home if you also listen often enough to know what your children think. Listening to them will let you know whether your instruction “took” and where more teaching may be needed. Some moms are so quick to say what they think that they miss the moment.
My pastor’s wife modeled a wonderful way to keep her children talking to her. She would respond, “Really!” and “Wow!” and “How about that!” at appropriate intervals while they related a story or experience. Then she would ask “What do you think about that?”, “What would you have done?”, or “How did that make you feel?” These non-judgmental comments encourage children to share their thoughts. Pray for wisdom as you plan a talk about the character issues or biblical principles involved in the stories they related. Keep communication lines open.
3. Make sure you do not provoke your children to anger.
Colossians 3:21 instructs fathers, but mothers should heed this caution,too. Many of the things we do and say without thinking can cause our children hurt and anger. Chief among these is comparing them to others. We also divulge their confidences, criticize their efforts, belittle their dreams, and make jokes at their expense. Children have little use for sarcasm, irony, or hostility – our communication with them should be straight-forward. Don’t take every opportunity to be right. Bragging,threatening, complaining, and impatience can all cause a wound to your child’s spirit, and cause the coldness of discouragement to develop between you.
4. Make time for your children.
I know it seems that they take all your time, but it doesn’t feel that way to them. Children need a time of your undivided attention – a predictable time, if possible. Make a date for time alone with each child. Occasionally this should be an hour or an afternoon, sometimes twenty minutes will do. If you set a time your child will not feel he needs to demand time from you. This will help you develop a more peaceful relationship. In his book, How to Really Love Your Child (Signet, 1977), Ross Campbell recommends eye contact, physical contact, and focused attention as the keys to communicating love to your children.
5. Make a point to forgive and ask for forgiveness quickly. (Include your husband in this one.)
Do not allow anger, hurt or disappointment to hang around too long in your living space. Unforgiveness contaminates the environment like old garbage. The people in your home should be able to count on instant, perpetual forgiveness, taking into account that no one is perfect. This is a discipline not easily cultivated. If your child offends you clear the air quickly. Do not use “the silent treatment” as a form of discipline. Likewise, if you have sinned against your child, do not allow pride to keep you from confessing and asking forgiveness. Teach your children to forgive one another quickly.
6. Make every effort to simplify your job description.
Much of the stress that steals our peace and joy is caused by our “heavy burden”. We take upon ourselves a yoke of expectations, requirements and duties that do not belong to us. God requires that we give our children love, limits, structure, and safety (protection) on a day to day basis. We must do our job but He is still in charge of how it turns out. I used to calm my fretful self by thinking, “What would I do if my sister dropped her children off for the day?” I would not be worried about how they would “turn out”. I would give them appropriate loving care and attention and give them back to her at the end of the day. That is what God asks us to do. Does that sound simpler than what you are doing now?
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil.4:3-6
