The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1 NIV
On the telephone recently my daughter and I were talking about my parents, now deceased. We were enjoying our stories about how they loved and cared for all of us. “But, Mom,” she suddenly asked, “why did they fuss at each other so much?” “I think . . . ,” I answered slowly because their behavior had always seemed quite harmless to me, a habit developed over the years, “I think it was their way of staying connected.”
Even as I answered my daughter’s question I recognized I had seen this dynamic many times in my work with families: People needing closeness and using anger to try to get it. Face it: fighting with someone ensures their undivided attention
Over the next few weeks I began to notice this theme in the stories people were telling me: an 18 year old, graduating from High School picks fights with his single mother every chance he gets; a family moving to another city with a 3year old finds her resisting everything; a husband who angrily accuses his wife of lying about her whereabouts when she leaves for work two hours earlier than usual without reminding him about her plan; a 7 year old middle child who persistently opposes family plans. In each case the anger seemed designed to communicate something difficult to express – a need for connection and reassurance.
To test my theory I made the following suggestion. I called it The 3 by 3 Step Solution. When you are approached by a loved one who seems irrationally angry with you take these three steps, while walking the three steps it takes to bring you physically closer to them:
Step 1: Shut down the angry, defensive, critical response forming in your heart. Any real issues connected to this outburst can be addressed at another time.
Step 2: Think of an honest, affirming, loving compliment or comment you can express to your loved one. Your goal is to connect and reassure. (The mother of the highschooler said “I can’t believe I have raised such a hard-working man.”)
Step 3: Reach out and touch. The touch should fit your relationship—a pat on the arm or head, a rub on the shoulder or neck or back, a hug or loving caress -- you will know how to do this.
People craving intimacy may not know how to ask for it. The 3 by 3 Step Solution is working fairly well with the 7 year old and the 3 year old. The 18 year old is beginning to talk (and talk!) to his mother. One woman tried this when her husband said something unkind to her in public (he does this often). She reported that two changes took place. The first change was in herself: on Step 2 she felt her heart soften toward her husband; by Step 3 she hardly recognized her own voice as she spoke him. When she touched him he smiled and put his arm around her, and the anger was gone.
“So it worked?” I asked. “Of course it worked. Didn’t you know it would?” I never know if something will work. I only know it is worth a try.
On the telephone recently my daughter and I were talking about my parents, now deceased. We were enjoying our stories about how they loved and cared for all of us. “But, Mom,” she suddenly asked, “why did they fuss at each other so much?” “I think . . . ,” I answered slowly because their behavior had always seemed quite harmless to me, a habit developed over the years, “I think it was their way of staying connected.”
Even as I answered my daughter’s question I recognized I had seen this dynamic many times in my work with families: People needing closeness and using anger to try to get it. Face it: fighting with someone ensures their undivided attention
Over the next few weeks I began to notice this theme in the stories people were telling me: an 18 year old, graduating from High School picks fights with his single mother every chance he gets; a family moving to another city with a 3year old finds her resisting everything; a husband who angrily accuses his wife of lying about her whereabouts when she leaves for work two hours earlier than usual without reminding him about her plan; a 7 year old middle child who persistently opposes family plans. In each case the anger seemed designed to communicate something difficult to express – a need for connection and reassurance.
To test my theory I made the following suggestion. I called it The 3 by 3 Step Solution. When you are approached by a loved one who seems irrationally angry with you take these three steps, while walking the three steps it takes to bring you physically closer to them:
Step 1: Shut down the angry, defensive, critical response forming in your heart. Any real issues connected to this outburst can be addressed at another time.
Step 2: Think of an honest, affirming, loving compliment or comment you can express to your loved one. Your goal is to connect and reassure. (The mother of the highschooler said “I can’t believe I have raised such a hard-working man.”)
Step 3: Reach out and touch. The touch should fit your relationship—a pat on the arm or head, a rub on the shoulder or neck or back, a hug or loving caress -- you will know how to do this.
People craving intimacy may not know how to ask for it. The 3 by 3 Step Solution is working fairly well with the 7 year old and the 3 year old. The 18 year old is beginning to talk (and talk!) to his mother. One woman tried this when her husband said something unkind to her in public (he does this often). She reported that two changes took place. The first change was in herself: on Step 2 she felt her heart soften toward her husband; by Step 3 she hardly recognized her own voice as she spoke him. When she touched him he smiled and put his arm around her, and the anger was gone.
“So it worked?” I asked. “Of course it worked. Didn’t you know it would?” I never know if something will work. I only know it is worth a try.
A kind answer soothes angry feelings, but harsh words stir them up. Proverbs 15:1 CEV
Tina Green 2010
