How to Reset Your Relationship
When I taught elementary school I would shake hands with each
child as he left for the buses. This
small gesture allowed me to speak a kind, caring, or conciliatory word to each
of them in an attempt to reset our relationship at day’s end and prepare for a
new start tomorrow. One day as I turned
from my door I heard running feet and heavy breathing headed my way. One small boy turned into my classroom with
his hand extended, panting for air. “I forgot” he gasped, “to shake your hand!” I gave the proffered hand a firm shake and he
dashed away again. I decided this small gesture was actually important.
Right now, I am guessing that most of your conversations with you
husband are like oral text messages, transmitting information that is necessary
to keep your household in order. You keep
up with schedules, events, and even minor emergencies. You share anecdotes about children and work, and
ask and answer questions. All of this
kind of communication is healthy and essential for people who live together. But, it is not sufficient to sustain or
improve a healthy marital relationship.
Married people who don’t take the time to heal the minor hurts
that naturally occur in course of their relationship will often resort to
verbal jabs, sarcasm, perfunctory comments, or even silence.
Many couples respond to this atmosphere
in like spirit; that is, justifying, judging, defending, or retaliating. What the relationship needs is a reset!
How to reset
your marital relationship: Set aside or create a peaceful time, free of
distractions, when feelings are neutral. Provide a favorite snack or drink. Sit close, if possible. Otherwise, attempt to make eye contact and/or
physical contact. Start a conversation
with something real and intimate like:
a.
Sometimes I miss you even
though we are right here together.
b.
I felt lonely today. I wanted
to invite you to lunch or something.
c.
Yesterday I realized that I
said something unkind to you and it made me sad.
d.
I notice you seem to be
busier than usual. Can you share? etc.
Then
ask: I wonder if there is anything I can
do to help you feel better about _______________?” Or “Have
I been as helpful as I could be about __________________?”
Then
listen with focused attention without interrupting, except for clarifying
question. Accept his suggestion or
comments without comment and promise to make every effort to accommodate. If your partner says nothing stay put and
enjoy being in his presence, making some small talk. ~X Don’t allow this to become a confrontation ~
No
matter what happens end the time (15-20 minutes) with the same promise. “I am glad we had just a little time
together. I am going to try to find a
way to do this again.” (It is a good idea to declare some hour of the
day or week Daddy/Mommy time and let the children know it. No interruptions
except for “blood on the floor”!)
You
can probably do better than this once you get the idea. Most “fights” are not about the purported subject;
they’re about disconnection and lack of sexual (or probably non-sexual)
intimacy.
(Next: Why Wives?)
