Communication:  Did you Say what I Heard?

 

As usual I am looking at a communication problem back-hand-forward.  That is because that is how I usually hear it.  For instance, a woman calls me and tells me about a fight she had with her husband.  I wasn’t there so I am listening to it backwards; that is, I already know that the attempt at communication ended in a fight. So as she talks I am listening for the breakdown in communication.  While each side of the argument thinks they need to ask: “Did you hear what I said?”  Each should probably be asking “Did you say what I heard?” 

So often the discussion turns to an argument when one person responds angrily to what they think they heard.  A husband says to his wife “You are too bossy!” The wife feels she is being attacked.  Her husband is really saying “You have taken on authority that is not rightfully yours and that weakens me.”

 

A wife says “Did you put a coat on the baby when you went out?” Her husband thinks she is nagging him.  His wife is actually saying “I feel helpless when I am not there to take care of the baby and I need to be able to trust you when you act in my place.

 

Most of us are literal.  That means that though we hear words we don’t hear what our spouse is really saying.  Even in the counseling room I have to help the couple hear what is actually being said.  And of course, fear and pride often block real communication.  In stressful times we defend ourselves from what appears to be an attack or a slight with a retaliation which makes matters worst.  Taking time to ask, “Did you say what I heard?” would be beneficial, but unlikely in these situations without instruction and practice.

 

Basing ones responses in love might help.