PERSONAL WALK: Receiving Criticism

Take It For What It’s Worth

 

“When you can receive correction and reproof . . , and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart, you are dying to flesh.”

(Helen Trowbridge)

(Transcribed  from “Drop Dead”, a sermon, August, 2001, in Blue Mountain, PA)

 

Not too long ago a friend described me in a way that sounded critical.  I said nothing at the time.  Later, when I thought about it, I felt a twinge of annoyance.  However, since I know this person loves me, I decided to take the comment for what it was worth . . .an observation from someone who would not intentionally do me harm. 

 

Today my friend’s remark came back to my mind.  It suddenly occurred to me how true her statement was.  I am, in fact, the way she described me.  The aspect of my personality she was commenting on is part of me and does no harm to others; there is no sin involved.  It’s just the way I am made. She had accepted it even though I had not.  Yet.  Now, after a brief, whispered prayer, I have accepted that God does not make us all the same, and I have been allowed to develop in a particular way for a particular purpose.  Having someone point this out is not a bad thing.

 

It occurs to me that this has happened many times in my life.  My husband, my children, or my friends have commented on something I have said or done in a way I thought implied disappoval.  Unless the comment is being used as a weapon, I try to take it for what it’s worth.  Sometimes it is worth very little and can be discarded.   Sometimes God will bring it back to my remembrance and show me its purpose.  If I refuse to remain offended or resentful He may show me a need for correction, or reassure me that He has His hand in the situation.  Those who love you can be valuable mirrors for the parts of you that you cannot see or hear.  Let those comments do their work in your life.  You may be the better for it.

FORGIVENESS

but, I Can’t!

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matt.6:14 NIV)

 

The issue of forgiveness is a major one in marriage.  I know as I write this that some of you readers have suffered greatly at the hands of your loved ones.  But the requirement to forgive carries no caveats, no exceptions; we must all forgive all transgressions against us.  What shall we do?

 

“I can’t!” we cry out in the pain of memory.  “I can’t!” as we see no relief in sight.  “I can’t!” resounds as our tormentor shows no remorse, asks no forgiveness.  When you cry out to the Lord, “I can’t” is that what you truly mean?  Or do you mean “I won’t?” 

 

As your loving Father, the Lord knows you can’t.   He tolerates “I can’t” because it is an expression of your true condition.  “Can’t” means you are weak and helpless.  He created you in this weak and helpless state.  His love and compassion are aroused as he views your state just as you are compassionate at the condition of your own weak and helpless children.

 

It is “I won’t” that he cannot abide.  “Won’t” makes Him helpless because He will not violate your will.  He will not step in without your permission.  Remember, He stands at the door and knocks.  If you won’t allow Him in He can offer you no comfort. 

 

If you are struggling the Lord is with you, but you have to make a decision. You must be willing, with God’s help, to forgive those who cause you pain.  He wants you to cry out to him.  He will walk with you through this process and you will emerge on the other side with benefits you could never imagine.  Decide to trust God with your hurts.  Give them to Him; He will heal and restore.

 

(Readers: Send your questions.  There will be more to follow on this subject.)

More Love

By Comparison . . . .

Luke15:28-32 (NIV)

The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, “Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!”

“My son,” the father said, “you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.”                

Comparing ourselves to others can leave us feeling puffed-up and superior.  But God doesn’t compare us to others.  This story of the Prodigal serves to give us a glimpse of how God sees us.  It helps us consider how he views our strengths and our weaknesses.  He doesn’t see our strengths as being as wonderful as we think they are.  Nor does he judge our neighbor’s weaknesses as harshly as we do.  Loving your neighbor as yourself means understanding that his view of himself is as flawed as yours, and he thinks he is okay when he compares himself to you.  Give him the same grace you afford yourself, because, while you may berate yourself about your weaknesses you constantly congratulate yourself about your strengths as though you are somehow responsible for them. (This is a generic “you”.  It means “we”, “I”, “all of us”.  I am commenting on a human condition.) 

 

I once asked a group I was speaking to, “How many of you were the ‘older brother’ from this passage in your youth?” Those who raised their hands (including me), all bore the same pained, long-suffering expression.  What a burden it had been to us to be so diligent while others enjoyed life.  What hogwash!  We chose our lot believing it would reap its rewards (love, acceptance, praise, freedom from guilt, whatever).  Our motives are at best, suspect. Enough! 

Here is my point:  we all make sinful adaptations to our early life experiences; some positive, some negative.  Anyone, by virtue of his genealogy, temperament, personality, upbringing, or challenges, may develop attitudes, thought patterns, habits, or behaviors which we and society view as good.  This is not the righteousness of God and is of little value to him. That is why, in the eyes of God, both the prodigal and his brother sinned.  Everything about us, “good” or “bad” must be submitted to God for cleansing before it can become His righteousness.  And His is the only kind He counts.

Wise are those who look at others with the same generosity they offer themselves, and who look at themselveswith the same critical eye they have for others. (Unknown)

PEACE IN THE HOME, Part V

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."  (Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche)

 

Let the Games Begin!

 

 This phrase is usually used to announce the beginning of a sporting competition.  I mean, I could as easily have said “play ball,” but that phase is not as poetic. When many of us said “I DO” it meant the same thing: “Let the competition begin.”  Early in our marriages partners begin vying and competing for superiority in even the very smallest things.  We congratulate ourselves and criticize our spouses about personality traits and cultural differences that are part of what attracted us to them in the first place.

 

I often catch myself pressing to be “right” or “better” in relation to my husband in a circumstance where it hardly matters at all who “wins”.  Sometimes when I counsel a couple I suspect that each partner thinks I will award gold stars at the end of the session.  (I once had a wife smugly display her well-written homework to me each week knowing full well that her husband had scrawled his on a scrap of paper stuffed in his back pocket.)  Whether this trait is rooted in sibling rivalry, some childhood pressure for performance, or just plain ole pride, it is unbecoming to watch in public and destructive to the peace of the union when practiced in private. 

 

Sparring between spouses demonstrates, I think, a breach of the rules of friendship.  A good friend must overcome the twinges of envy and urges to compare and compete, in order to support and encourage the victories of the other.   A good friend seeks the success of the other, even at her own expense.

“Lord: teach us to be “friends” to our Husbands.”