Fight Right!
In the old Chevy Chase movie, National Lampoon’s European Vacation, Chevy drives his family into a traffic circle in Paris in the morning, and when the stars come out he still hasn’t figured out how to drive out of the circle. We watch them go around and around and around. Some of our interactions with loved ones are like that. Something sets off a series of events and then you go round and round and round. Most families have these patterns. We don’t realize that all of our fights look alike. I call it the Cycle of Interaction. Below is a familiar scene:
Husband and wife, preparing to leave for work.
W. “Please put Jacob’s sweater on him before you take him to day care. I think it is going to be chilly at recess time”
H. “Okay”
W. (on phone) “Did you put his sweater on?”
H. “Yes I did”
W. “Are you sure you did it?”
H.; “Yeesss”
W. Which one?
H. “Look I don’t know which one. You asked me to do it. I did it.”
W. I just want to know. I don’t want my baby to be cold. You know how easily he catches cold!!
H. “You don’t have to ask me a hundred times! I am not an idiot! Anyway, you coddle him too much! That’s why he gets sick all the time!
W. “How can you say that. I am the one who is up with him all night.”
EXPLOSION!
Many things are at work here. If the couple examines their pattern they will discover that there are several exits around this cycle on the way to the explosion. 1. Wife specifies which sweater 2. Wife trusts husband to comply with her wishes. 3. Husband recognizes and is sympathetic to his wife’s anxiety; reassures her. 4. Wife understands that her questioning has offended her husband and apologizes. 5. Husband avoids responding with the personal attack on his wife’s mothering ability. 6. Wife, in prayer, places her child in God’s hands since she cannot protect him at all times.
There are probably others I have missed, but you get the idea. Try to find the exits yourself with the scene below.
H. “You know, we are going to have to watch our expenses for a while. These gas prices are killing us.”
W. (Not looking up) “Uh-huh”
H. “We need to tighten our belts”
W. (Not looking up) “Um-humm.”
H. “Do you hear me? You can’t just keep spending. We have to stay within the budget. Do you understand?
W. Yeh.
H. “I am trying to talk to you!!”
W. “Why are you shouting. I said “yes.” Why do you always get so upset.”
H. “I am not getting upset!! You are upsetting me!!!
W. “But I haven’t said anything. I am not yelling at you.
EXPLOSION!!!!
Get it? Now try it with one of your own family scenes.
For,
"Whoever would love life and see good days
must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech.
He must turn from evil and do good;
he must seek peace and pursue it. Peter 3:10-11(NIV)
