Toward the Goal

(By request: First posted March 2006)

 

 . . . do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.Col 3:21(NIV)

How often we read that scripture without knowing how to apply it to ourselves.  We do the tough job of setting and enforcing limits to the best of our ability,  as God requires, seeking His guidance and direction.  We recognize the child’s will seeks its own way.  Sometimes we seem to be in a battle for our very lives - and theirs.  Yet, we are admonished not to cause them to become discouraged, dispirited, or  disheartened. 

 

In the book Self-Confrontation, a manual for training Christian counselors, the authors list thirty-one ways that parents embitter their children.  As I read them it seems that the way parents provoke their children is by focusing on themselves rather than on God’s plan for the child.  We focus on our fears, anger, frustration, impatience, embarrassment, pride, fatigue, uncertainty, or disappointment.  Then we address our child’s behavior or requests.  Often the child reacts to our motivation and becomes angry.

 

When my daughter was twelve years old she was invited by a classmate to a party given by the other child’s older siblings.  It would certainly not be the proper environment for a pre-teen.  I told my daughter she was too young for this party and left her sobbing angrily on the front steps.  I was annoyed that I had to deal with this problem at this point in my day.  Why didn’t she know not to make such a ridiculous request?  When I was her age I would have known better.  But, as I walked into the kitchen, God gave me a momentary glimpse of my own twelve-year-old world,  How often  I cried as I dealt with the challenges of being not yet grown up but not still a child. 

 

My goal was right.  My answer was right.  But, my focus was wrong, and my child was angry.   With the memory of my own youth fresh in my mind, I went back to my daughter, took her in my arms, and held her tight.  I expressed sadness that she was so disappointed.  I told her I was sorry this party had not been planned with her in mind, and I hoped there would be an appropriate one soon.  As we talked, the anger dissolved.  No.  I couldn’t change my answer, but I did change my attitude.  I put her feelings ahead of my own.  My daughter saw that I was really on her side.  She saw that, in setting the limits, I was doing what God required me to do, not just spoiling her fun.  We planned another activity for the day of the party. 

 

Our goal as parents is to providediscipline and structure for our children so that we can bring them up in the fear of the Lord.  To do this they must see us submitting our wills to Jesus and see Him working in us.

TG © 1998

UNDER AUTHORITY

“Obey” is not a Four-Letter Word!

 

My husband and I were sightseeing one day with four of our nine grandchildren.  There was his little group in front and my little group in the rear, with the seven-year-old in between.  In a split second she decided to catch up with the forward group and took off like a shot.  I shouted: “Brianna, Stop!”  She stopped and did not move another inch.  If she had she would have entered an active traffic lane as the light changed. I am so grateful my daughter and her husband have taught their children to obey.  (They are still deciding if the children will ever be allowed to visit us again.)

 

 I am convinced that there is no more important lesson we teach our children than obedience.  I understand that this is a minority position.  American society has attached mostly negative connotations to the word “obey”.  I am also convinced that it is the most difficult lesson to teach children.  Some of the reasons for the difficulty lie in them, some in us.  The child is born with a will.  God put it there.  This is so that throughout his life he will have to choose whether or not to do right, thereby taming his own errant nature conforming it to the will of the Father. How successful he is in controlling his inner urges will determine his ability to safely pass through the rapids of life’s challenges.

 

The problem is that this will is also the root of strivings, rebellion, independence, and personality.  The task of parenting is to help the child to rein in the functions of his will that can cause him harm without destroying the others.  (Americans value striving and independence more than some other cultures do.)  American parents speak of “breaking the child’s spirit” when they discuss teaching obedience.  Some parents even encourage rebelling against authority as positive self-expression.  Many parents are themselves, in rebellion.  This ambivalence can make parental guidance a hit-or-miss proposition.

 

But the Christian life is a life under authority.  Wherever God chooses to require something of us, I like to think about the purpose of the requirement.  It is interesting that scripture seldom feels the need to explain, as we so often do, the reason obedience is required.  I suppose that is because when our benevolent Father commands somethingBecause of his love for us, he expects obedience as evidence of our love for Him.  Invariably our freedom is limited for our protection or for our good Most of the commands we give our children are inspired by the same motives. (If our rules and directions do not meet that criterion we should address our own motives and amend our commands accordingly.)  We should not allow the child’s questions or discomfort to cause us to change our expectations.  Whatever you want to teach your child, teach obedience first.  

 

PERSONAL WALK

Just for me!

 

After years of negative input, much of it from our own internal voices, it is difficult for some of us to believe that we have any value in God’s sight.  In case I might forget I get reminded once a month. 

 

This happened the first time soon after I gave my life to Christ.  I was seated in a darkened corner of the sanctuary one Sunday morning.  The elements for communion had been passed out and the congregation was praying over them quietly.  As I held the bread and grape juice in my hands I prayed a prayer of Thanksgiving that the Lord had rescued us sinners from the world’s view of our existence.  A small, firm voice whispered into my spirit, saying, “I would have done it if you had been the only one.”  I sat there for a moment not fully comprehending.  The voice spoke again. “I would have died if you had been the only one.”  At that moment I was overwhelmed by a sense of peace and love, too wonderful to express or understand.  Tears of joy ran down my face and for the first time in my life I felt fully loved and accepted, just as I was.

 

My worth is no longer in question.  Each time I hold the communion elements in my hands my heart is blessed.  I am reminded, “He did not just die, he did it for me!”