HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Happy Holidays - Protect Your Family

As I write this article I am remembering the Thanksgiving when I excused myself before dinner, put my two-year-old daughter in her snowsuit and went home.  My daughter was the only child at this gathering, and the environment was not tolerant of her age-appropriate behavior.  People kept saying “oh, get her,” ”oh, watch her,”  “make her sit down,” “she needs a spanking.” "young people just don't know how to raise children."  These people were well-intentioned but were just not ready for a small child. And, she was certainly not ready for them.  For everyone’s sake it was time for us to go. 

Family gatherings are great but they can be taxing.  As you enjoy the fun keep a watchful eye on your group.  Is your husband being criticized by your Mom, belittled by your sister, bullied into drinking too much by your cousin?  Are you the butt of jokes about your cooking, or your church-going?  Be sure you have a plan and a signal for when someone has had enough.  Have a little family talk ahead of time about what each person can expect and how you want to handle it.

Where are the children? What are they playing and with whom?  Is anyone in charge of the littlest ones?  Many people I have treated report their molestation took place during family functions, when everyone was present, but no one was watching.  Is a child being teased, or isolated?  Where are the alcoholic beverages? Keep checking even when your sister-in-law says you are too over-protective. She won’t be there to deal with the consequences if you neglect this duty.

Why am I bringing this up in the season of comfort and joy?  Because I want to wish you a wonderful holiday and fond memories that will last a lifetime.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

 

T'is the Season

The Season of Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy
(Just a reminder for old readers, encouragement for new ones.)
Today the title is the article. Now that my days of preparing massive holiday meals are behind me I am taking time to remember the emotion and mission of the season. I am writing to remind us all, dear Ladies, to put the first things first. Unless we make a conscious effort to do this, we will find that we have missed the most important gifts of the season - Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy. 

My mother was a peaceful, joyful woman – except during the holiday season. During those times she was overwhelmed with the tasks of the celebrations. She took on so much responsibility for keeping peace with the extended family and satisfying the demands and expectations of others that she ended up sick and exhausted.

I learned at her knee to fret over everything, to make too-elaborate plans for meals, gifts, and entertaining, and to believe somehow that I was being judged by everyone by how well I did these things. I suspect that some of you are doing the same as you read this. If so, I refer you back to the PEACE IN THE HOME series of this Blog (See Archives). Everything written there is important for this season. (Peace with God, Peace with Yourself, Peace with Your Husband, Peace with Your Children.) 

First things first! Whatever you do, pray first. If what we do isn’t pleasing to God we are wasting our time and energy. Be sure to honor God with your attitude. If we plan it right the whole season will glorify Him. 

Here are some thoughts:

· The house is clean enough!

· Don’t try to serve everyone’s favorite dish at one meal.

· Don’t make the fresh Cranberry Relish, or other time-consuming dish, unless someone else is hosting the dinner.

· Gifts that really count don’t cost much; giving time costs nothing.

· This is a good time to teach children generosity, sharing, and thankfulness. Try a new family tradition - Volunteer Day - give a young mom a day out, sing for an elderly couple, shop for mittens and hats for another family - Be creative!

· Prolonged guilt about forgiven or unintentional mistakes of the past is not from God.

· If this is not your happiest holiday season, try to bring joy to someone else’s. Give thanks, and try not to dwell too long on what or who is missing.

· Spread peace. Send your first holiday card to the relative who annoys or disapproves of you most. Include a little love note from the Lord. 

· Skip the appetizers. Set out bowls of colorful fruits and nuts (in shells) for family snacking. That will hold them until you are ready to serve the meal.

· Remove yourself from all competitions; let the other guy/girl win this time.

· Enjoy God’s creativity as you strive to appreciate all the unique personalities around you. (Yes, all of them.)

BE AT PEACE! GIVE THANKS! REJOICE! We have already received the Greatest Gift of All. And there is enough to share.


Tina Green

AS WE JUDGE

“It is not by ourselves as we really are that we judge others,

but by an image that we have formed of ourselves from which we have left out

everything that offends our vanity or would discredit us in the eyes of the world. “

Somerset Maugham

 

“And would some Power the small gift give us
To see ourselves as others see us!
It would from many a blunder free us,  . . .”

Robert Burns [Standard English Translation]

“Don’t judge me!” the carnal person exclaims when someone comments on their behavior or lifestyle.  They are distorting God’s principle at the same time calling attention to the hazards of judging others.  Christians are not prohibited from making judgments; we make them all the time. We judge truth from falsehood, right from wrong, wise from foolish.  We judge people and situations.

It is when we judge others that we take our greatest risk.  Often, we use ourselves as the standard of propriety which gives birth to such phrases as “I always. . .”, or “I would never. . .” We do not have enough information to avoid this error.  We can never know what God sees or what He thinks about others or about ourselves.

When we propose to know how God sees the actions of others we must exercise great care to examine ourselves first, not the sanitized version of ourselves that we hope others see, but ourselves as we really are.  Having fully taken on that task in its harshest light we will find we have little time or energy left to condemn others.

“Human beings judge one another by their external actions.

God judges them by their moral choices.”

C.S, Lewis

GRACE

Grace

I am not writing much lately.  The issues the Lord is bringing to my attention seem to defy linguistic interpretation and words that would define them flee from my pen (read: keys) as I approach them. 

For instance I have been trying to define grace – not the unmerited favor from God but the grace we demonstrate to others.  The “grace under pressure” kind of grace.  There is evidence that in generations past women were taught grace -- elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action -- as part of their upbringing.   Men were tutored in what was called “the social graces”, which dictated their behavior in public interactions.  This required that one react to pressure, not with the feelings and emotions of the moment, but with a measured, considered and self-controlled response designed to allow the heat of the moment to dissipate. This is the “grace” in gracious, and graceful.

While there is little obvious emphasis on grace in today’s marketplace it is most obviously missing in many interactions between spouses, loved ones, and family members. We think the most important thing about our communication is that we “speak our mind” or “be heard”.  This leads to unpleasant words spoken in haste and provoking a similar response. How we speak to our family or friends seems to matter so much less to us than having our say.  And all of this seems to take place in the heat of the moment.

We are reminded in scripture that a soft answer quiets the spirit. We are instructed to tame the tongue and bridle it. ! Peter 3 addresses women specifically, mentioning the “gentle and quiet spirit” but the message is by no means restricted to women. Titus instructs us all about the need for self-control.  As you consider this, be assured that it is only by the grace of God that we can demonstrate grace toward others.

“It [God’s grace]teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,”  Titus 2 :12a

The Trouble With Anger II

Anger is Like a Traffic Circle

For some who have formed a habit of being angry, anger is like a traffic circle with no visible exits.  We all remember the scene in National Lampoon’s European Vacation when the family drives into a roundabout in Paris and spends the day there.  Though this may be an amusing vision in a film we are also aware of the frustration and helplessness this impasse engenders.  In the face of the emotion of anger people who suffer in this pattern are not amused .  If you live with someone like this he or she need your compassion and patience.

Once these people get angry they simply do not know the way out.  They can’t forgive, can’t find peace, and can’t get satisfaction from the presumed source of the anger.  They honestly feel that the event must somehow be un-done.  They will embark on a course of constantly explaining their circumstance, justifying their position to anyone who will listen or repeatedly pressing the person who has provoked them to take some action that will relieve their suffering.  Failing that they will sink into silence or depression, or employ a silent-treatment punishment until their need is satisfied or those who have wounded them have suffered enough.

If this is your pattern you will need to unlearn and relearn.  The first step in this process is for the sufferer to recognize that you alone are responsible for the solution; no one can rescue you.  Finding the exit requires that you believe that there is one.  Speak to yourself in this new way.  Memorize a scripture that expresses the requirement to release anger and forgive.  Treat this feeling as though it has a time limit like a rain shower, and believe it will end.  It takes commitment and practice. This burden can be handed over to the Savior of our souls who is able to carry it. Allow Him to show you the way out   

The Trouble With Anger

Anger is Like a Stray Dog

Years ago I started to notice that some of my acquaintances  always had a story of how they had to tell someone off or set someone straight about this or that.  They had to defend themselves from exploitation or victimization by those they encountered daily.  Sometimes I wondered if they went to a different kind of supermarket, bank or dentist than I did.  Then I saw how they delighted in telling these stories of how they prevailed against these villains and it occurred to me that the anger and aggression they experienced left them feeling successful and wanting more.  They were poised for the next battle and the subsequent retelling of the tale.

Anger, it seems, is like a stray dog:  feed it and it will keep coming back.  So, what is the alternative?

Could You Be Wrong When You’re Right?

Could You be Wrong When You’re Right?

 There are many who live like enemies of the cross of Christ. I have often told you about them. And it makes me cry to tell you about them now.  The way they live is leading them to destruction. They have replaced God with their own desires. They do shameful things, and they are proud of what they do. They think only about earthly things. Phil 3:18 & 19 (ERV)

One of the challenges of being a Christian woman is behaving like one in the real world.   The real world has fewer and fewer rules for relational interactions and social behavior. Manners and etiquette are considered old fashioned. Those in the world are left to their own devices. That means they react by their feelings, by their flesh. We seem to be surrounded by a society that behaves like eighth grade girls. They say anything and do anything.

So what about us, the children of God?  Can we go their way, too, sulking, holding grudges, demanding our way, avoiding responsibility, allowing our flesh to rule? What about we married women? Can we deal with our spouses as though we were opponents in a competition, fighting to be right? Well, he started it, we often think.

Suppose you are dealing with an issue where you are 100% right and he is 100% wrong. Can you handle that situation with grace, humor and mercy, or do you insist on making him “eat his words”?  Are you guilty of vitriolic, belittling language against him? Do you require an apology before you forgive? We are expected to be different, Even if he will not admit his error we are expected to find ways to show God’s generosity of spirit. We are not permitted to use the tactics of the world, doing back to them what we believe they have done to us. What better time than when we are right to show God’s love by responding with humility and respect. Jesus is our example. He showed us what love looks like.

QUICK CAKE

Quick Cake

In my lifetime I have known a few women who began the process of making a cake by turning on the stand mixer, that imposing piece of equipment most of us have banished from our counter tops.  They would dump in the softened butter, and when its color changed, begin slowly adding the sugar.  The product that emerged from the ovens of these women bore only a slight resemblance to the Crocker, Hines, Pillsbury cakes we are all accustomed to eating.  The lengthy process of the former, properly executed, produces the cake the other is trying to imitate. But that flavor, character, texture, personality, fragrance and balance cannot be the result of a quick process.

The cake-from-a box and soup-from-a-can approach typifies many aspects of our lives.  We don’t know much about process and have little respect for it.  Quicker is Better.  Our spiritual and emotional development often suffers from this kind of need for speed. 

Knowing God and understanding ourselves in a way that allows us to mature into believers with depth and resilience, compassion, patience, and self-control takes time, study, and meditation, a listening ear and a willing heart.  We need careful preparation and evaluation, and self-examination.  Knowing the word and pressing it down into the empty or broken places of our hearts takes time and contemplation. Knowledge does not become wisdom without the passage of time and the heat and pressures of a life lived.  That flavor, character, texture, personality, fragrance and balance cannot be the result of a quick process. This should be what we pursue so that we can serve it to our children.  If they never taste it they will not know the difference. 

 

ADJUST YOUR MASK

Adjust Your Own Mask First.

I sat on the tarmac as the plane began its taxi and the flight attendants began their balancing act between two overhead compartments demonstrating the safety features.  Having heard these messages many of times, I cannot say I was fully attentive.  Then the voice came to the part about the oxygen mask.  I  began to think about the necessity for such an admonition: “If you are traveling with a child or someone in need of your assistance, please adjust your own mask first.”

For one thing, I decided, the instructions were counter-intuitive.  Most people with someone depending on them would naturally care for that person first.  That instinct would, in some circumstances, be disastrous. The care-giver could quickly be rendered unable to care for his charge, or himself.  Another reason for these specific instructions is that those responsible for the safety of all need to minimize the number of people needing direct assistance.  If the care-giver responds as instructed neither of them will require emergency assistance from the crew.

We women as wives and mothers, in our job as “caregiver” may be tempted to rush to assist others before we have adjusted our own masks.  When we rush in without the counsel of the lord we can easily be overcome by the intensity of the resistance to our efforts.  It may seem that those entrusted to us would expect sacrificial service, but they are actually counting on us to survive.  When we take the time to take care of ourselves we are preparing to meet their needs.  Prayer and meditation are a major part of that preparation.  When we allow ourselves to be filled with the word and attend to the instructions of the Holy Spirit, we are ready for the challenges ahead.

Is it Spring Yet?

If we listen to comments about the weather on TV or in the supermarket we might believe that Spring is not coming this year.  Voices raised almost to the point of hysteria proclaim that the temperatures have not yet moved into normal range and snow still dominates the forecast, threatening to keep kids home from school - again!  It is almost as though rational people are afraid that by some apocalyptic shift, winter might continue through the rest of the year.

Yet, this fear is not universal.  Not at all afraid are the jonquil stalks that have thrust themselves through the frozen ground, the crocuses showing themselves timidly among last Fall's unraked leaves, and the yellow tipped buds on the forsythia bushes, prepared to burst into bloom on the first warm day.  The birds attempting to build their nests among the artificial plants on my neighbor's deck are not afraid.  Do they know something we don't seem to believe?  Yes!  They know Spring is coming.

Sometimes, in our relationship with God, we reach a place where our fears overwhelm us. As wives attempt to set appropriate boundaries and break the patterns of the emotionally abusive behavior of a loved one, we know from the Word that the Lord is ever-present with us; that he is attentive to our prayers; that we abide in his unchanging love. Yet we are distracted by the signs that he will not care for us. In our fear, we fret, worry, and often give up, hopelessly returning to the old patterns  We are concerned that God won't show up in our time of struggle. Instead, we must watch expectantly for the signs that he is working things out for our good according to his Will for us. Even in our prolonged Winter of turmoil we must press on as though we know Spring is coming.

Place of Peace and Rest

Sometimes there is simply no help in sight.  The pain is still there and no apology is coming.  You have done your best but there is no "thank you".  Tears and pleading falls on deaf ears. Or, there are no more tears or pleas or prayers; you are just exhausted. When I find women in this condition I have only one word of counsel. I commend them (and myself when I reach this state) to the place that is always waiting within reach: Our place of peace and rest, our place at the foot of the Cross.  

Your Heavenly Father, in his divine, wisdom, has made provision for you for such a time as this.  The Cross serves as a reminder of his unending love for you. Know that you may retire there any time for any reason, and stay until your spirit is restored.  Keep the picture of this place in your mind and heart and commend it to others that they can be reminded that wives are not without resources even in times of deep despair. Find peace and rest as you come to your place.