SEEKING PEACE

The Season of Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy

 

Today the title is the article.  Now that my days of preparing massive holiday meals are behind me I am taking time to remember the emotion and mission of the season.  I am writing to remind us all, dear Ladies, to put the first things first.  Unless we make a conscious effort to do this, we will find that we have missed the most important gifts of the season - Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy. 

 

My mother was a peaceful; joyful woman – except during the holiday season.  During those times she was overwhelmed with the tasks of the celebrations.  She took on so much responsibility for keeping peace with the extended family and satisfying the demands and expectations of others that she ended up sick and exhausted.

 

I learned at her knee to fret over everything, to make too-elaborate plans for meals, gifts, and entertaining and to believe that I was being evaluated by everyone on how well I did these things.  I suspect that some of you are doing the same as you read this.  If so, I refer you back to the PEACE IN THE HOME series of this Blog (See Archives).  Everything written there is important for this  season.  (Peace with God, Peace with Yourself, Peace with Your Husband, Peace with Your Children.) 

 

First things first!  Whatever you do, pray first.  If what we do isn’t pleasing to God we are wasting our time and energy.  Be sure to honor God with your attitude.  If we plan it right the whole season will glorify Him. 

Here are some thoughts for the season:

·        The house is clean enough!

·        Don’t try to serve everyone’s favorite dish at one meal.

·        Don’t make the Cranberry Relish or the Ambrosia unless someone else is hosting the dinner.

·        Gifts that really count don’t cost much; giving time costs nothing.

·        This is a good time to teach children generosity, sharing, and thankfulness. Try a new family tradition - Volunteer Day: give a young mom a day out, sing for an elderly couple, shop for mittens and hats for another family. Be creative.

·        Prolonged guilt about forgiven or unintentional mistakes is not from God.

·        If this is not your happiest holiday season, try to bring joy to someone else’s.  Give thanks, and try not to dwell too long on what or who is missing.

·        Spread peace.  Send your first card to the relative who annoys or disapproves of you most.  Include a little love note from the Lord. 

·        Skip the appetizers.  Set out bowls of colorful fruit and nuts (in shells) for family snacking. That will hold them until you are ready to serve the meal.

·        Remove yourself from all competitions; let the other guy/girl win this time.

·        Enjoy God’s creativity as you appreciate all the unique personalities around you. (Yes, all of them.)

 

BE AT PEACE!  GIVE THANKS!  REJOICE!  We have already received the Greatest Gift of All.  And there is enough to share!

 

PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE

PUTTING IT BACK TOGETHER

(This is a departure from my usual subject matter, but my commitment to marriage requires that I address solutions to real problems )

 

There is a book titled “First You Cry”.  The book is actually about breast cancer, but it is clearly what happens after you learn that your husband has cheated on you.  A Christian woman has the option, but not the obligation to take back her erring husband.  After the crying you have to understand that you have work to do.  You need to make an appointment for a gynecological examination and A.I.D.S. test.  You need to check your finances to see if you have been compromised.  You must particularly investigate the status of your rent or mortgage, automobile, and utility payments.  Very few men can actually afford a mistress.  Check your legal status and determine if you may be legally accountable for any of your husband’s actions.  Is there a pregnancy or a child involved?

 

If your husband has left the home you have to determine if allowing him to return is best for you and your family.  He may have decided when to leave, but you decide if and when he returns.  Unfortunately, mostmen believe that, if you allow them back, they can just pick up where they leftoff.  As tempting as it may be to welcome him with open arms, a wife needs to act wisely.  If your husband remains in the home the following guidelines still apply.  You should:

          Begin to pray for guidance in this area.

           Examine the scriptures, with help if necessary so  that  you know what the Word says about adultery and  reconciliation.  (If you don’t    know your spouse and friends will confuse you.)

          Give yourself time for healing and true forgiveness

          Guard against allowing anger and hurt to slide     into bitterness.

Conduct a courageous assessment of your own sinful attitudes and behaviors.  Confess your sins and repent.  (We cannot ask God to be a part of our sin)

Determine what needs your husband has that you have consciously refused to meet (You are taking responsibility for your actions, not his!)

Decide when you want him back (or if you want him to stay.)  Do not be coerced by spouse, family or friends.  Don’t be overly eager.

Set conditions with which he must agree to comply.

 

When she has settled the matter in her heart and begun to heal, a wife needs to decide the circumstances under which she would be comfortable having her spouse return.  All stipulations and requirements should be clearly stated and agreed upon before any reconciliation.  Some suggested procedures (depending on the circumstances) are:

          Individual counseling for both parties.

Group counseling (physical abuse, substance abuse, sexual  addiction) 1 yr. min.

          Marriage counseling

Pastoral counseling to establish chain of authority and accountability. Both of you need to be submitted to pastoral headship

          Accountability partner (min. 1 year)

          Coaching couple (a couple from the church to walk with you  as you mend)

           

Husbands seeking to return to the marriage must be willing to court and pursue their wives in order to win their trust.  They must also understand that they need to be more accountable to their wives for their schedule.  They should be willing to check in when the schedule changes.  The couple should make new rules about their relationship including family prayer, family discussions and the family schedule (mealtimes, etc.).  Make rules about discussing the particulars of the affair.  This may require third party intervention with someone you both trust.  No “sniping” allowed.  Once it is discussed it is not to be referred to again except, if necessary, in counseling.

 

There are no “quick fixes” for sexual infidelity.  The biblical requirement to forgive does not necessarily include reconciliation.  That is a separate issue which may take many months to resolve to the satisfaction of all concerned.  There is an ancient riddle: What is the hardest thing to gain and the easiest thing to lose?  Answer: TRUST!  The offender must understand that being restored to his previous position may take longer than he expects.

 

 

PERSONAL WALK

Warring in the Spirit

 

Lately, I have been concerned about an ongoing situation over which I have no control. It seems to sneak up on me without warning and leaves me with a sense of dread.  When I sought my husband for support he asked, “What do you tell others to do at times like this?”  (Why do the people who love me always ask me that question instead of covering me with sympathy and letting me wallow in my pain?)  I couldn’t think of a thing.  I whined about how different this problem was from the “wives issues” that are brought to me.  All I know is that I need help because my sleep and digestion are being disturbed. 

 

This morning as I was praying I remembered what I tell others in situations like this.  I explain that this is war.  Our enemy is trying to make us think there is nothing we can do about our circumstances. We are defenseless.  Hewants us to think we have no hope. This kind of attack is common to us all. There is one such battle that is well known to us.

 

             Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God."  (Matt. 4:1-3)

 

Right there, in Matthew 4, we find a pattern for warring against the devious tricks of Satan.  The weapon of our warfare is the Word of God.  When we know who we are and that we have a full quiver of “arrows” from the Word we can use them effectively to put the enemy to flight. 

 

So, now I am using the very strategy I recommend to others.

          1)  Recognize that this situation is real but is being used by Satan to disable me.

          2)  Remember that my Father did not leave me  defenseless.

          3)  Find a scripture that fits my particular challenge 

          4)  Commit that scripture to memory.

          5)  Pray the verse whenever the enemy attacks

          6)  Repeat this process as needed until the enemy  gives up this fight and goes away.

          7)  Note to self: Don’t forget the strategy; he’ll be back.

 

My Scripture for my battle:

            Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by    prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

Imagine that!

PERSONAL WALK

 . . . . It’s Me

 

Remember when George on Seinfeld coined his favorite phrase, “It’s not you. It’s me?”   This was his device to manipulate himself out of an unwanted relationship.  I have found that this phrase is also useful (and usually true) in relationships we are trying to sustain.

 

I said it years ago to my teenaged daughter when I decided to stop trying to make her the person I wanted her to be, freeing her to become the woman God intended.  I have silently said it to my husband when I decide to stop trying to make him to do what I want him to do.  I say it to those in authority over me when I decide to stop rebelling and submit.  I say it to God when I have finished having a tantrum because he allows me to endure loss or pain.  A woman in Wives Club said it recently when she wrote to us at length complaining bitterly about her trials with her husband and children, then laughingly and lovingly decided to keep them and continue to serve them as unto the Lord. (See Just Wives blog, 11/03). The Psalmist said it when he sought the Lord for mercy.

 

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
       How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
       and every day have sorrow in my heart?
       How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
       Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;  

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
       and my foes will rejoice when I fall.  

But I trust in your unfailing love;
       my heart rejoices in your salvation.

 I will sing to the LORD,

      for he has been good to me. (Psalm 13. NIV)

 

It’s not you; it’s me.  I want my own way.  I want to be spared discomfort.  I want to be a mighty women of God without persecutions (See Mark 10 29-31).  Our heavenly father understands.  He knows our human desire to have the good without the bad, to have Easter Sunday without Good Friday.  Heholds us in his arms and comforts us.  He says “My precious one, do nothing in your own strength.  Just take my hand and trust in me.  I know the way to fulfill the plans I have for you.  It’s not you, it’s Me.”