Choices

CHOICES
Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.Psalm 127:1-3 NIV

As I pull out the Christmas decorations in preparation for the visits from my grandchildren I realize that I am putting some of my things at risk. Small children and fragile items often do not make a good mix.

My grandchildren are carefully disciplined and well behaved but accidents happen. I prepare myself and I prepare the house so that when there is a mishap I have already made the choice between the fragile perishable item I may be fond of and the fragile spirit of the child I love. The child deserves and will receive my compassion and forgiveness well mixed with grace.

Sometimes it is the same with my husband. As he carries out his role of leader in our home some things that are very dear to me are put at risk. My sense of security may be threatened and fear begins to creep in. But, I have tried to prepare myself through these years of submission to his headship. Trusting in God and in His Word I have already made a choice. What is more important – that which I am guarding (which only God can truly protect), or the precious spirit within my husband that is so valuable in God’s sight?

Shouldn’t We be Doing Something?

I have never been one to tell childbirth stories, mostly because mine are not very interesting. One story, though, has taken on new meaning as my life in Christ goes on.

I was already in the delivery room having my third child when everything stopped. Well, not everything. The contractions continued but he was no longer heading down the birth canal. Dilation stalled and there was no further progress. The nurses went off to help other mothers, and having checked all the monitors the doctor sat down at the end of the table, opened a journal and began to read. After some time and many, MANY contractions, listening only to the beeping monitors and my own breathing, I decided to speak up.

“Excuse me Dr. Cooper, but shouldn’t we be doing something?” He lifted his head from his periodical, looked up at the monitors and down at me. “We are,” he answered quietly.

Many times as I walk this Walk I have asked that question of God. Shouldn’t we be doing something -- when the child is ill, when the job doesn’t come, when the ministry of my heart's desire eludes me, when a loved one won’t forgive, when another makes an unfortunate choice, when prayers seem unanswered?

When I am finally willing to hear him He whispers back, "We Are."

When Love is Enough

We sometimes declare that we are unfit for service because of some limitation, weakness, or shortcoming we recognize in ourselves. We assume that God is looking for someone more perfect than we are to carry out His ministry or serve His Body;

And yet there is little evidence to support such a conclusion. In fact, scripture suggests something altogether different.

For instance we can observe how Jesus dealt with His dear friend after being denied by him. Before assigning him to the most important work he would ever do, Jesus simply asked, “Peter, do you love me?" As Peter answered that question Jesus washed away the pain, embarrassment, humiliation and disappointment. He had denied Christ three times. Now three times he was asked this question. The questions might almost be seen as a job interview. He got the job. “Feed my sheep”, Peter was told. “Feed my Lambs.” Being acutely aware of his weaknesses, Jesus had found Peter fit for service. Of all the exploits Peter had done before, this answer defined his qualifications.

“Peter do you love me?” Love is enough.

©Tina Green, 2010

Minding My Business

I recently attended an awesome day-long conference for women. During the Q&A session near the end of the day a woman asked: “Are the men receiving this kind of instruction, because they really need it?”

The pastor who was leading the meeting answered quickly, “That is not your business!” Startled, we waited for the rest of his answer. He explained that we did not need to be concerned about what the men were learning; we only needed to concern ourselves with living out the instruction we had been given.

As I thought about this exchange I remembered how often this question is voiced in our Wives’ meetings. Sympathetic with the sentiment behind the question I, too, have prayed that the husbands would be held to the same standard of biblical instruction. Why do I want that -- Because it is ‘fair’? Because it would make my life easier?

More than anything, I think I want to excuse my desire to be disobedient, and to excuse myself from the hard work obedience requires. “I shouldn’t have to do it if he doesn’t have to do it,” is my childish cry. But the most important and intelligent thing I can do with new information is to allow myself to be changed, and allow God to be in charge of others.

So the answer for me is clearly: “Grow up and mind your own business!”
But be doers of the Word [obey the message], and not merely listeners to it, betraying yourselves [into deception by reasoning contrary to the Truth]. (James 1:22 AMP)
©Tina Green 2010

COMMENDATION

As I sat with the ladies of Wives’ Club and talking about how to meet our husband’s needs the Lord took me back to times when I would sit on the bed watching my husband ready his dress uniform for a formal function: polishing his belt buckle, sharpening the crease in his trousers, straightening the small silver “leaves” on his collar. The preparation that received the most careful attention was placement of the rows of medals he wore on his chest. These were kept pristine in their original boxes, then arranged in some pre-ordained order on a specific spot on the jacket. He would use a ruler to measure their placement.

Later that evening I would witness Marines glancing at other Marines to check out the medals on their chests because those medals told them what kind of Marine he was, what he had endured, what he had accomplished, and what he had survived. Civilians save that kind of glance for a muscular man or a beautiful woman.

What was I to learn from this flashback? Perhaps I was getting a glimpse at what matters to men: commendation! Men who do great exploits need commendation.

As a Marine, my husband received commendations. As a husband and father he deserves no less.
(Before you counter that you need that too, consider: Who's going to start it?)

Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
Proverbs 31:23 KJV

Surviving the Storm

And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. Mark 4:39 KJV

Each day I spend most of my waking hours in a sea of challenging people, events, and circumstances. Bobbing in these uncharted waters I am reduced to acting and reacting, planning, responding, and deciding. My journey is directed by two competing forces: the flesh (my mind, will and emotions) and the Word, my navigation manual that tells me God’s plan for getting safely to shore.

I may have notebooks full of proof that the Word does not fail me but that doesn’t matter much when new storm clouds appear. Because long before I could read or understand the
Word I had already learned to depend on the responses and reactions of my flesh to get my way, to get me through. I had already tasted the sweet taste of revenge, manipulation, rage, worry, rudeness, tantrums, striking out, despair, withholding, speaking my mind, telling you off, and telling your dirt. Tricks I have learned from my mother, things I have learned from my father, tactics I developed to get you get you off my back. Like an addict I still lust for the relief and release those old potions offered me, fleeting though it may be. The angry tongue of my flesh licks at me like the flames of a great fire.

But God who holds me in the palm of his hand whispers “Try it my way, seek my peace, taste and see.” Sweetly he woos me and so I reply, “Show me, Lord. Show me how. Show me again for my memory is so short.”

And in this wretched condition I cannot hide away, cover myself, avoid the bright lights that might reveal my weaknesses. No. In this shameful state I am required to teach and guide others.

©Tina Green 2010

He Watches

Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.” Psalm 127:1(NIV)

I cringe when I learn of the wounds inflicted on woman by various religious cults and doctrines. Many of us have been born into these false structures and innocently bear the pain of the consequences of flawed teachings. We have watched our loved ones being devoured by the lies of ravening wolves. And, the vain philosophies of the world have served us no better.

Even after we learn the truth, it is not easy to accept it and to fully submit our lives to Christ. The horrors of the past and fear of future exploitation cause us to view with skepticism the very truth of the scriptures which can free us.

And yet we cannot protect ourselves. While we are looking to the right Satan attacks from the left. Our self-fashioned defenses and weapons (we all have them) are used against us to our destruction, for the Word says: “Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.” Psalm 127:1(NIV)

When we committed to be married we committed to doing it God’s way. Though we are often consumed with fear, though we see the carnage of destroyed and destructive marriages all around us, we must choose God’s way. We must submit to His providence and protection as we trust in His Word. No other way will do.

©Tina Green 2008

Access to Intimacy

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1 NIV
On the telephone recently my daughter and I were talking about my parents, now deceased. We were enjoying our stories about how they loved and cared for all of us. “But, Mom,” she suddenly asked, “why did they fuss at each other so much?” “I think . . . ,” I answered slowly because their behavior had always seemed quite harmless to me, a habit developed over the years, “I think it was their way of staying connected.”

Even as I answered my daughter’s question I recognized I had seen this dynamic many times in my work with families: People needing closeness and using anger to try to get it. Face it: fighting with someone ensures their undivided attention

Over the next few weeks I began to notice this theme in the stories people were telling me: an 18 year old, graduating from High School picks fights with his single mother every chance he gets; a family moving to another city with a 3year old finds her resisting everything; a husband who angrily accuses his wife of lying about her whereabouts when she leaves for work two hours earlier than usual without reminding him about her plan; a 7 year old middle child who persistently opposes family plans. In each case the anger seemed designed to communicate something difficult to express – a need for connection and reassurance.

To test my theory I made the following suggestion. I called it The 3 by 3 Step Solution. When you are approached by a loved one who seems irrationally angry with you take these three steps, while walking the three steps it takes to bring you physically closer to them:
Step 1: Shut down the angry, defensive, critical response forming in your heart. Any real issues connected to this outburst can be addressed at another time.
Step 2: Think of an honest, affirming, loving compliment or comment you can express to your loved one. Your goal is to connect and reassure. (The mother of the highschooler said “I can’t believe I have raised such a hard-working man.”)
Step 3: Reach out and touch. The touch should fit your relationship—a pat on the arm or head, a rub on the shoulder or neck or back, a hug or loving caress -- you will know how to do this.

People craving intimacy may not know how to ask for it. The 3 by 3 Step Solution is working fairly well with the 7 year old and the 3 year old. The 18 year old is beginning to talk (and talk!) to his mother. One woman tried this when her husband said something unkind to her in public (he does this often). She reported that two changes took place. The first change was in herself: on Step 2 she felt her heart soften toward her husband; by Step 3 she hardly recognized her own voice as she spoke him. When she touched him he smiled and put his arm around her, and the anger was gone.

“So it worked?” I asked. “Of course it worked. Didn’t you know it would?” I never know if something will work. I only know it is worth a try.

A kind answer soothes angry feelings, but harsh words stir them up. Proverbs 15:1 CEV

Tina Green 2010

What Can You Do Alone?

Women often ask this question when they are discussing how to improve their marriages. They feel helpless against the seeming lack of cooperation and concern for their husbands. Perhaps he isn’t even aware that anything is wrong. But some things happen only when we are alone.

When I first committed my life to Christ, the most important decision I have ever made, I was alone. Soon after that I felt the urging of the Holy Spirit telling me to “work on” my marriage. I was not aware that my twenty-year-old marriage needed work, but, alone, I determined that I would obey God. I was not instructed to include my husband who seemed perfectly happy with his relationship with God and with me. This was my assignment, mine alone: Learn how to be a wife God's way.

I did not know the way but the Holy Spirit urged and encouraged me: “You have met the King of the Universe, have committed your life to serving Him, have read Matt. 22:36-38 and the other verses of scripture that tell you how God wants to be loved, and how he wants you to love others (including 1 Cor 13:1-8). Now you have to put away childish things (1 Cor 13:11). Alone you have to grow up. Let God make you a new creature: one who is willing to love His way, for His sake.” All this I must do alone – with my Master. Together, we are still working on my marriage.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone,

the new has come!

2 Corinthians 5:17(NIV)

Tina Green ©2010

Choosing to Stay

A new sport has invaded the American culture. We could call it Divorce Watch, or Marriage Destruction. No. It is not a video game, not played on your Nintendo. You play it by accessing televised or print news, collecting the latest story about marital infidelity, then weighing in on what the wife should do and when enough damning data has been uncovered to require that she abandon her marriage. The game players who are assembled in the national arena then issue the “THUMBS UP” or “THUMBS DOWN.” If she fails to appease the players by leaving her errant husband, her children’s father, and quickly filing for divorce, the angry scrutiny shifts from the unfaithful husband to the “foolish” wife. The Players begin to label her, ascribing to her all sorts of sinister motives and emotional inadequacies for not carrying out their mandate. She has let them down by refusing to play the game their way. She is then the loser.

This Game, I fear, may have invaded the sanctity of Christian marriage where only the word of God and the instruction of the Holy Spirit should guide the decisions of injured spouses. At such a dreadful time the wife or husband should not be influenced by the opinions of those who have nothing to lose, no commitment to the couple, and no moral guide for decision-making. The whims of popular culture are far too mindless and quixotic to be part of such a painful and consequential process.

If your marriage has experienced the tragedy of infidelity do not listen to those who encourage you to react out of hurt, anger, pride, or desire to retaliate. Take the time it takes to pray, seek wise counsel, and begin to heal. Separation or divorce may be the proper course for you. It may also be possible that your marriage can be restored and renewed. Just don’t be seduced into playing The Game!

Love Flows Down

My father loved God, but he understood God’s love to be conditional. And, although he loved me fiercely, that love, too, came tainted with conditionality. My husband loves God and, because of his deeper understanding of God’s love, is able to love me unconditionally. By God’s grace and my husbands love I am being healed of the consequences of conditional love and learning to walk in freedom.

As I addressed my issues and grew in my personal relationship with the Father He began to bring me the unlovely to love. One-by-one His children who had been wounded by inadequate love took up residence in my heart and sometimes my home. He taught me to count as progress very small increments of change. He would hear my cries of weariness but offer no release. I have to learn the meaning of long-suffering by suffering long. I count my commitment, not in months, but in decades. But His love flows down.

Sometimes my newly-strengthened loved ones report to me the failings of one of their loved ones, describing in detail how others are missing the mark. I listen patiently to their impatience, but with a saddened heart. Was it all in vain? For they are judging others with the same harshness with which they were once judged.

When the time is right I must carefully remind them of their previous condition. “All you are required to do,” I tell my dear apprentice, “is what was done for you. Bring them before the Father and pray for their deliverance. Cry out in pain for them as though their pain were your own. Love them unconditionally as you are loved. Let His love flow down, through you.”

Occasionally I receive a word or token of appreciation from one I have so desperately loved. They finally get it. Love always flows down. And, once in a while, Love Flows Back Up!

By Tina Green © 2008

Getting Past Your Past

Face it – marriage is not what most of us expected. And we are not well prepared for it. But, we take our vows and there it is-- an unexpected adventure for two novice explorers. Many of us have previously experienced and witnessed only the worst that the marriage voyage has to offer.

Once we are married, we are obligated to commit to God's view of the journey. The dangers of that commitment surround us at every turn, but our relationship with God requires that we trust him "though he slay us". We may not erect walls of self-protection, but must place our lives in His hands as He does what He pleases in and through us. It is the natural thing to try to protect ourselves from the pains we have previously suffered at the hands of others we have trusted. But while we are looking that way, Satan attacks from another direction.

The experiences of our past often inform us in ways that are not useful. We resist trusting in God’s ways because of past hurts. It is hard to recall that it was not God who betrayed us but the "hardness of men's hearts." It is distressing how our past wounds can cause us to "halt between two opinions," trying to decide whether to follow God, who knows the way on this journey, or to resort to our own flawed devices. Some of us have allowed bitter roots to form within us that keep us from committing fully to another human being. These must be exposed for the ineffective protection they are, through prayer, counsel and self-confrontation.

One of the mysteries of marriage is what God can do through us if we follow and obey Him. My prayer for every married woman is that she trust God with her husband and her marriage, and attempt as much as possible to bring her thoughts and behavior into alignment with what the word has to say. As scary as that may be, it is the only way with a promise. .
! Peter 3:5-6 (NIV) . . .like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

@Tina Green 2007

Safe Travel

When you jump in your car to make a trip or run an errand you are trusting that the vehicle that you carefully maintain is in good and safe condition. As you drive down the road you are careful. You make every effort to obey the rules of the road and make wise, prudent decisions. You are depending on the other motorists to do the same. Yet, you have no control over their actions, their decisions, or the condition of their equipment. No doubt, in your prayer time you have placed in God's hands those things that are outside the range of your influence. And so you continue on your way.

I was thinking about this a while ago when I attended a women's meeting. On the subject of submission someone offered that wives are only expected to submit to their husbands as their husbands submit to God. That sounds like a sensible approach to a process (submission) that holds so much potential danger.

And yet, a study of the Word does not support this conclusion. When a wife obeys the instructions of God she is in much the same position as when she drives her car. She can only control the vehicle she is driving. Whether or not the other drivers are being as diligent as she does not change her responsibility to adhere to the rules of safe travel. If "submission" is a rule of safe travel for wives we must follow that rule, entrusting to God all of those things that are outside our range of influence. The condition of our husbands' relationship with God is not a condition of our obedience to the Word. Trusting God, we submit, and continue on our way.

Tina Green, 2010

What's an Older Woman to Do?

What's an Older Woman to Do?

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Titus 2:3-5 NIV

In the 1960s there were several revolutions that changed American society forever. While I am grateful for many of the outcomes those great movements accomplished I grieve the loss of what I will call “a sense of individual responsibility.” In the marriage relationship, for instance, equal has become same, same has become together, together has become reciprocal, and reciprocity has led to a mandatory fifty-fifty division of labor. Role definitions have become blurred beyond recognition. I am afraid that in that climate individual responsibility can be avoided if “my partner does not do his/her part.”

Before the revolutions, women’s magazines contained articles and stories about how to be a wife that were very useful. They would probably send today’s woman screaming from the room. In 1961 I was given a book titled "The Marine Officer’s Wife" (I was one) that sounded like instructions for a medieval serving wench. But, we may have thrown away some of the baby with the bathwater when we all became more enlightened.

Those books and magazines had helped us understand that “wife” really is, among other things, a job title. There are ways responsible wives should or should not behave regardless of the circumstances surrounding them. We must acknowledge that there is special power in owning your job description and submitting to the requisite training. It is this that makes firemen run toward a fire, makes paratroopers jump out of planes, makes a nurse or doctor touch the patient despite the damage and disease. A wife is a Wife. She needs to embrace the job, the job description, and the training. Since the revolution the training has been a hard thing to come by.

Some of the confusion is understandable. The terms “couple” and “one-flesh” certainly suggest the connection between two people united in marriage. “Marriage counseling” is usually defined as “couples counseling.” How can we work on the marriage if we can’t get both partners to come in? But that is only defines part of the relationship..

A few years ago I gave a talk at a women’s conference and women began to call to talk to me about their marriages. Some of these women were behaving very badly in response to the bad behavior of their husbands. It seemed unwise to allow a woman to believe she could not change her behavior or her circumstances unless she could get her husband to cooperate.

Looking carefully at Scripture I found that there were no provisos, no reciprocity, no quid pro quo. Each person was expected to behave according to the instructions, the job description, written for them in the Word regardless of the behavior of the other spouse

So, a woman would come to see me. She would tell me about her husband’s behavior. Some of these stories were agonizing to listen to, but I refused to be overwhelmed by the tale. (This assumes there is no physical abuse.) Then I would ask about her behavior. We would determine what God wanted her to do, and I would send her off to do that. Invariably, if she persevered with all diligence she would report a difference in her situation. She would have changed the only person on earth she has the power to change. Herself!

This is not a guarantee that all marriages can be saved or even improved. But if a woman takes responsibility for her own behavior something changes. My work at this time focuses on helping women understand how to be a Wife. I try to pass on the training that keeps them from being dragged around by their emotions, their circumstances, or their limitations, or the behavior or shortcomings of others. I would like to begin a new revolution that elevates marriage to its rightful place in our hearts and minds. I am starting with women because I know them best. Besides, I have to start somewhere, before everyone forgets what marriage looks like.

The Apology

The Apology

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24(NIV)

I am learning to apologize. This is not such a simple matter. There are two sides to forgiveness: giving it and asking for it. Turns out neither is easy or comes naturally. And, the Word of God raises a high standard either way. Usually when we realize we have offended someone we begin to justify our words or actions. We search ourselves to see if we did anything wrong. Having cleared ourselves, we decide that other person, our friend, neighbor, or loved one, should not have been offended for we meant no harm.

If we didn’t do anything wrong then we have no responsibility for our victim’s condition. They are too sensitive and should develop a tougher hide. No one else would have reacted so irrationally to such a small event. Why all the fuss? And, anyway, they have done this or that to us many times.

If we offer an apology with this attitude it is not likely to be effective. One of the worst and most used of all apologies is the If I apology. It goes “I am sorry if I offended you” instead of “I’m sorry that I offended you.” The latter accepts responsibility; the former suggests the victim has some mental or perceptual defect. It is difficult for us to see how we are accountable for our victim.. But, they are wounded! Often our anger and hurt rises to meet theirs and there is stony silence between us.

And yet - the scripture above places the responsibility upon us. It seems that, offender or offended, we cannot escape responsibility. Each is required to forgive; each is required to seek forgiveness.

What is actually needed for a proper apology is a change of heart. If my loved one, brother, or neighbor is offended or hurt, it’s not about me. Would I be so cavalier if someone else had wounded or hurt him? Well, now I am the culprit. And the victim is not me but someone I love, or am called to love. So, I must apologize and ask forgiveness. It is really all I can do about the pain he is suffering.

I came across an all-purpose apology in a small book in a greeting card store. In essence it said:
I am sorry that I said ______or did ______ that offended you today.
(Always name the offense, if you know it.)
Please forgive me. I love you and I never want to hurt you.

That is simple enough for even me to understand.

©Tina Green 2010

True Love

A Real Valentine

A couples group was asked to read several versions of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. The versions used were NIV, KJ, NKJ, AMPL, TLB, New English, and The Message. The group was asked to list what a true lover will do and what a true lover will not do. When the project was completed couples were asked to insert their loved one’s name and read it to their partner. This is their finished product.

Because I love you, ________, I will never give up on you. I will not envy you or become jealous of you. I will not boast about what I have done for you. I will not be proud or haughty. I will not try to draw attention to myself at your expense. I will not be conceited, arrogant, prideful, or rude. It will not always be “Me, first”. I will not insist on my rights or on having my own way. I will not be self-seeking. I will not be touchy, resentful, or fretful. I will not recount evil you have committed against me. I will not hold grudges or keep track of the wrongs I have suffered. I will not become easily angered or frustrated. I will not want more from you than you can give. I will not force my wishes upon you.

Because I love you, _______, I will be patient with you and kind to you. I will rejoice in the truth about you. I will protect you and trust you. I will always be hopeful about you and my hope will endure under all circumstances. I will persevere. I will endure and bear up under anything and everything that comes our way without weakening. I will ever be ready to believe the best about you. You can trust me. I will always want what is best for you. My love will never fade or become obsolete. My love for you will never end.

How about sending (or reading) this to your loved one on Valentines Day?




©Tina Green 2/2008

Likewise, You Wives . . .

Wives, in the same way, be submissive to your husbands . . .
1 Peter 3:1(a) NIV

I can hardly think of a passage of scripture that has caused more discussion than the one that begins with the verse quoted in the title above. It is used and misused in over and over in sermons, lectures, and conferences. And yet few Christians seem to know or accept what it really says. Fewer still seem to recognize that 1 Peter 3:1-6 is only part of a five chapter letter written to the first century Christians. Peter wrote all five chapters telling them how to live with one another.

The word “likewise” in v. 1 is intriguing. It is strategically placed to force us to wonder “Like what?” And nothing in chapter 3 answers that question. If we continue to read forward we don’t find any answers, but we do run into the word again in V.7 (Likewise, you husbands . . .KJV) Husbands?

So, I guess we have to read back. Ooops, there it is, right there in 1 Peter 2:18-25; right in those dreaded verses about slaves. We are dragged back to our image of man’s greatest inhumanity to one another, and from there to the awful, awesome sight at the foot of the Cross. And, from there we are asked to consider God’s view of marriage.

Oh, my. We must read it over and over until we understand what is being asked of us. I think that each of us, man or woman, is being asked to let the self-centered, rebellious part of us be put to death so that we can live with and give to another human being as He intended from the beginning. Someone should have told me.

Tina Green © 2010