DID YOU KNOW. . .:

It’s not about the Baby!

“But, she loves the baby.”  This is the comment parents usually make while struggling to understand the behavior of an older child when the new baby arrives.   Whether or not it is true, it is irrelevant.  Sibling rivalry has very little to do with the baby.  It has to do with sharing - sharing time, sharing attention, sharing the people each child knows are essential to his well-being.  It has to do with fear of loss.  And everyone feels it. 

 

Things Are Different

Mom and Dad know things will be different around the house, and they have time to prepare for it.  Dr. Jerry King, in his book, Marriage: A Kingdom Perspective discusses parental responses to the arrival of a new baby.

 

The father is often surprised by the degree of jealousy and anger he feels.  It slips up on him and catches him off guard.  Among the factors is a deep sense of guilt and shame these emotions bring when contrasted with the intense love and pride that he also feels. 

(p. 52)

Dealing with such conflicting feelings presents adults with a tough challenge. How much more overwhelmingthey must be to preschool siblings. These feelings don’t go away quickly.  A happy, competent 3-year-old began soiling her pants when her brother was 15-months-old. Other hints led her parents to suspect she was competing with the baby.  Why did she wait so long to show it?  It took that long for him to threaten her world.  After a few days of intensive reassuring, she was willing to try being a big girl again.

 

If you have a baby or are expecting a new arrival, address sibling rivalry in your prayer time.  Ask God to show you what your older children might be feeling.  Remain faithful to family nights, family devotions, and other routines.  Remember the newcomer is only one member of the family.   Both Mom and Dad can establish a special time with each child and mark it on the calendar.  Twenty to thirty minutes of predictable time is better than three hours, now and then.   And, relax.  She probably really does love the baby.

 

PEACE IN THE HOME, Part II

Peace with Yourself

 

        We spend our lives in a tug-of-war with ourselves.  Since humans are self-centered by nature and our thirst for righteousness compels us try to be selfless, we often neglect our true needs.  Here are some steps that will help you be more peaceful in your home by making peace with yourself.

1.     Make time for your time with God.

Don’t make this a chore. Rest in Him. Receive a refreshing as from a dear friend.  Remember he has been waiting for you.  We are all too conscientious; we work too hard, complicating our relationship with God.  Relax, he loves you. Read. Sing. Dance.  Praise.  Or just be quiet with Him. Remember: He never intended for us to do this job without him.

2.   Make a schedule that includes you. 

Plan time in your schedule to be alone. This may include your time for special grooming or putting private things in order.  Sorting or filing things you use or need can prevent stress later.  Take time for an activity only you enjoy, or join a friend.  You may just need time to rest.  If you don’t plan it you will steal it from other projects or just be under-productive. Failing to plan time for yourself will eventually cause you to build resentment.  

3.    Watch how you talk to yourself.

Do some vocabulary work.  Our own internal language is often more destructive to us than the words of others.  We set ourselves up for failure because our words to ourselves are not words of grace and encouragement.  Eliminate words like should, must, have to, ought to, and especially, should have. It is human to have regrets, but you can’t live backwards. 

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phil 3:13-14NIV

4.   Allow yourself to be only human.

You are to do all you can, the best you can, but no   more.  Let go, let God.  You are responsible for the work but He is in charge of the outcome.  Have you done your best?  Then you must rest in that truth.  No one can require more of you – not even you.  It is especially important to acknowledge this when others are not satisfied.  Keep hold of this quiet truth; don’t expect others to understand.  It will keep you at peace even in the midst of turmoil. 

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

Isaiah 26:3 NIV

 

. . . and Love Your Neighbor III

SERVE THEM?

When your neighbor offends you, you are required to forgive.  Serving him is one way to facilitate such forgiveness.  Find a special way to meet a need for your neighbor.  Minister to him in a way that brings healing.  Usually, it helps to do something physical and tangible.  Don’t look for the easy way out. This kind of service should cost you something. Use your time, your energy, and your resources to perform this task.  Bake him a cake, shop for a special gift, or make one, prepare a surprise.  If the pipes have been cleaned of unforgiveness, you will begin to feel a twinge of happiness and gratitude as you prepare to care for another.

 

I awakened in the morning still angry with Dan, one of the many young people God has placed in our care from time to time.  He had betrayed me again, and I was at the end of my patience.  As I walked around the house fuming inside I turned to an activity that usually gives me comfort: baking.  As I pulled out the ingredients for cookies I touched the walnuts. “Dan doesn’t like walnuts in his cookies”, I thought.  I put them back and began to assemble only those ingredients that he likes.  Gradually, as I baked the cookies, I felt my mood change.  Soon my heart had softened and I no longer wished to do him bodily harm.  I was actually happy that I had done something that would bring him joy and looked forward to surprising him when he came home.  I also began to form the words of the confrontation we would have.  I felt God selecting words of grace, words of affirmation, and words of instruction.  Honest, loving, communication intended for correction and healing replaced the bitter, self-centered diatribe I had been planning.  Dan was completely unprepared for the cookies and my attitude.  This was not what his experience had taught him to expect from someone who was upset with him.  God had a plan to reach him through love and forgiveness.