FORGIVENESS

Who, Me?  Love Them?!

 

Since many of us take a personal inventory at this time of year let us consider some very special people in our lives. We all have them -- people who test the limits of our patience or cause us emotional wounds.  Some of them are those who are the very closest to us.  We have to deal with them every day and yet it never seems to get any easier.  Jesus commands that we love them and we really try but our scars from these struggles are hard to ignore.  These are the people we are called to love and forgive.

 

When faced with seemingly impossible tasks it sometimes helps to see how the Lord provided for such circumstances.  No matter how it looks, He did not leave us defenseless. Careful study of the scriptures reveals God’s plan for loving difficult people. For clarity  we will now call this person your “neighbor”.  The plan looks something like this:

1.    Confess.  Ask God to forgive you for all the unloving thoughts and attitudes you have toward your neighbor. Ask forgiveness for gossiping about him and determine in you heart not to describe your hurts to others.  Confess as sin all thoughts and acts of revenge.  Do not excuse any of your sins on the basis of your neighbor’s behavior.

2.    Forgive.  Think of this as putting out the trash.  All the hurtful events of the past have been collected and stored in your memory.  There they have gained strength like bacteria enclosed in a petrii dish.  We empower them further when we rehearse the grievance in our minds and retell the tale. Resist the urge to store this putrid material in your living space.  To maintain a healthy environment the garbage must be put out every day.  Search out and destroy all thoughts of revenge.

3.    Pray.  Seek the Lord about your neighbor.  Ask Him to give you a glimpse of how He sees this person.  Ask for a portion of the love He has for him. Often He will reveal to you a need you did not know your neighbor had. This will give you an opportunity to serve your loved one in a meaningful way. 

4.    Forgive again. Even though we know better, we often put a limit on the number of times we intend to forgive someone.  Those we love should be able to count on our forgiveness.  That is best accomplished by deciding ahead of time that you will forgive any new wrong committed against you.  That runs counter to the “last straw” philosophy that we learn from our culture.  This perpetual forgiveness amounts to keeping the pipes clean through which the love is to flow.

5.     Serve.  Find a special way to meet a need for your neighbor.  Minister to him in a way that brings healing.  Usually, it helps to do something physical and tangible.  Don’t look for the easy way   out. This kind of service should cost you something. Use your time, your energy, and your resources to perform this task.  Bake him a cake, shop for a special gift, or make one, prepare a surprise.  If the pipes have been cleaned of unforgiveness, you will begin to feel a twinge of happiness and gratitude as you prepare to care for another.

6.    Pray more and more.  Pray diligently everyday for your neighbor’s well being.  Pray for the success of his ventures, for his health and safety, for his financial or personal needs to be met, for his goals to be accomplished.  It is difficult to continue to feel angry toward someone you pray for every day. 

7.    Release.  Release your neighbor to God.  Do not spend hours thinking about how he needs to change and what the change would mean in your life.  Leave to God the job of changing him and the job of protecting you.

 

The most important change that takes place in this process takes place in you.  The Lord can begin to heal your wounds and repair youattitudes.  Youbecome a clear channel through which the love of God can flow.  Your relationship may improve.  It may not.  But you will have been faithful to the biblical requirement: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Rom.12:18 NIV)

 

MENTAL HEALTH

HELP WANTED!

"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. (John14:16 NIV)

.

But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. (John 14:26 NIV)

 

 

Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God,

(1John 4:1 NIV)

 

I am often asked by Christians about seeking professional help with marriage, family, or other emotional issues.  I won’t enter here the Christian-verses-secular counseling debate.  However, we will want to avoid helpers who are hostile to our faith or who view our commitment to Christ as part of or cause of our “problem”,  If help has been recommended or seems appropriate we will be able to make the most of our counseling or therapy experience if we are aware of our unique position as a Christian seeking help.  Christ, our redeemer has left us the Counselor and Comforter.  Even as we seek the counsel of men we must remember that we are uniquely equipped for the battle in which we are engaged.

 

1)  Recognize the role of the Holy Spirit.  Pray that the Holy Spirit will guide the      professional who helps you, as you would for the physician or dentist who cares for you.  This is most important because it prevents the mistakes that are likely to happen if we see the counselor as being responsible for change during the counseling process.  Pray that the Holy Spirit will take charge and that the counselor will merely be the agent through whom the Spirit chooses to work.  All glory must go to “the author and finisher of our faith.”

2)  Read Scripture.  Our greatest asset is the unerring Word of God which instructs and cautions us as we deal with troubles.  Do not rely solely on the wisdom and knowledge of the counselor when confronting complex issues. The Spirit will guide us to the stories, admonitions, and instructions for our situation.  Reread and memorize verses that offer healing, comfort, and instruction.  We are empowered by the sword of the Spirit with which we may confront the world, the flesh and the devil. 

3)  Understand the role of sin.  Recognizing the sin factor in the problems of the body of Christ helps both counselor and counselee.  Each person must      ultimately accept responsibility for his own sin.  Our way out of this difficulty is to focus only on our role in our circumstances.  We must not attempt to transfer our responsibility to the counselor.  The ultimate solution is also ours.  Most humans so consistently search for someone to blame that we ignore individual responsibility.  This hinders our ability to make progress in finding solutions.

 

Professional help, when needed, can be used by God to promote healing and restoration in situations where the way out is not clear to us.  Emotional problems are not a sign of weakness.  It is often wise to see your physician or pediatrician for help to determine the proper intervention.  Some emotional problems have physical roots.  Sometimes medications or hormonal changes can cause disturbing symptoms.  We should not avoid seeking help or hope it will pass without investigation.  (As a school counselor I once alerted parents to a change in their child’s behavior.  They investigated only to find that their child’s medications were causing a negative interaction.)   Pray for wisdom in this process. Do not be discouraged.  Lasting change may take time.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:4-6 NIV)

SEEKING PEACE

The Season of Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy

 

Today the title is the article.  Now that my days of preparing massive holiday meals are behind me I am taking time to remember the emotion and mission of the season.  I am writing to remind us all, dear Ladies, to put the first things first.  Unless we make a conscious effort to do this, we will find that we have missed the most important gifts of the season - Thanksgiving, Peace, and Joy. 

 

My mother was a peaceful; joyful woman – except during the holiday season.  During those times she was overwhelmed with the tasks of the celebrations.  She took on so much responsibility for keeping peace with the extended family and satisfying the demands and expectations of others that she ended up sick and exhausted.

 

I learned at her knee to fret over everything, to make too-elaborate plans for meals, gifts, and entertaining and to believe that I was being evaluated by everyone on how well I did these things.  I suspect that some of you are doing the same as you read this.  If so, I refer you back to the PEACE IN THE HOME series of this Blog (See Archives).  Everything written there is important for this  season.  (Peace with God, Peace with Yourself, Peace with Your Husband, Peace with Your Children.) 

 

First things first!  Whatever you do, pray first.  If what we do isn’t pleasing to God we are wasting our time and energy.  Be sure to honor God with your attitude.  If we plan it right the whole season will glorify Him. 

Here are some thoughts for the season:

·        The house is clean enough!

·        Don’t try to serve everyone’s favorite dish at one meal.

·        Don’t make the Cranberry Relish or the Ambrosia unless someone else is hosting the dinner.

·        Gifts that really count don’t cost much; giving time costs nothing.

·        This is a good time to teach children generosity, sharing, and thankfulness. Try a new family tradition - Volunteer Day: give a young mom a day out, sing for an elderly couple, shop for mittens and hats for another family. Be creative.

·        Prolonged guilt about forgiven or unintentional mistakes is not from God.

·        If this is not your happiest holiday season, try to bring joy to someone else’s.  Give thanks, and try not to dwell too long on what or who is missing.

·        Spread peace.  Send your first card to the relative who annoys or disapproves of you most.  Include a little love note from the Lord. 

·        Skip the appetizers.  Set out bowls of colorful fruit and nuts (in shells) for family snacking. That will hold them until you are ready to serve the meal.

·        Remove yourself from all competitions; let the other guy/girl win this time.

·        Enjoy God’s creativity as you appreciate all the unique personalities around you. (Yes, all of them.)

 

BE AT PEACE!  GIVE THANKS!  REJOICE!  We have already received the Greatest Gift of All.  And there is enough to share!

 

PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE

PUTTING IT BACK TOGETHER

(This is a departure from my usual subject matter, but my commitment to marriage requires that I address solutions to real problems )

 

There is a book titled “First You Cry”.  The book is actually about breast cancer, but it is clearly what happens after you learn that your husband has cheated on you.  A Christian woman has the option, but not the obligation to take back her erring husband.  After the crying you have to understand that you have work to do.  You need to make an appointment for a gynecological examination and A.I.D.S. test.  You need to check your finances to see if you have been compromised.  You must particularly investigate the status of your rent or mortgage, automobile, and utility payments.  Very few men can actually afford a mistress.  Check your legal status and determine if you may be legally accountable for any of your husband’s actions.  Is there a pregnancy or a child involved?

 

If your husband has left the home you have to determine if allowing him to return is best for you and your family.  He may have decided when to leave, but you decide if and when he returns.  Unfortunately, mostmen believe that, if you allow them back, they can just pick up where they leftoff.  As tempting as it may be to welcome him with open arms, a wife needs to act wisely.  If your husband remains in the home the following guidelines still apply.  You should:

          Begin to pray for guidance in this area.

           Examine the scriptures, with help if necessary so  that  you know what the Word says about adultery and  reconciliation.  (If you don’t    know your spouse and friends will confuse you.)

          Give yourself time for healing and true forgiveness

          Guard against allowing anger and hurt to slide     into bitterness.

Conduct a courageous assessment of your own sinful attitudes and behaviors.  Confess your sins and repent.  (We cannot ask God to be a part of our sin)

Determine what needs your husband has that you have consciously refused to meet (You are taking responsibility for your actions, not his!)

Decide when you want him back (or if you want him to stay.)  Do not be coerced by spouse, family or friends.  Don’t be overly eager.

Set conditions with which he must agree to comply.

 

When she has settled the matter in her heart and begun to heal, a wife needs to decide the circumstances under which she would be comfortable having her spouse return.  All stipulations and requirements should be clearly stated and agreed upon before any reconciliation.  Some suggested procedures (depending on the circumstances) are:

          Individual counseling for both parties.

Group counseling (physical abuse, substance abuse, sexual  addiction) 1 yr. min.

          Marriage counseling

Pastoral counseling to establish chain of authority and accountability. Both of you need to be submitted to pastoral headship

          Accountability partner (min. 1 year)

          Coaching couple (a couple from the church to walk with you  as you mend)

           

Husbands seeking to return to the marriage must be willing to court and pursue their wives in order to win their trust.  They must also understand that they need to be more accountable to their wives for their schedule.  They should be willing to check in when the schedule changes.  The couple should make new rules about their relationship including family prayer, family discussions and the family schedule (mealtimes, etc.).  Make rules about discussing the particulars of the affair.  This may require third party intervention with someone you both trust.  No “sniping” allowed.  Once it is discussed it is not to be referred to again except, if necessary, in counseling.

 

There are no “quick fixes” for sexual infidelity.  The biblical requirement to forgive does not necessarily include reconciliation.  That is a separate issue which may take many months to resolve to the satisfaction of all concerned.  There is an ancient riddle: What is the hardest thing to gain and the easiest thing to lose?  Answer: TRUST!  The offender must understand that being restored to his previous position may take longer than he expects.

 

 

PERSONAL WALK

Warring in the Spirit

 

Lately, I have been concerned about an ongoing situation over which I have no control. It seems to sneak up on me without warning and leaves me with a sense of dread.  When I sought my husband for support he asked, “What do you tell others to do at times like this?”  (Why do the people who love me always ask me that question instead of covering me with sympathy and letting me wallow in my pain?)  I couldn’t think of a thing.  I whined about how different this problem was from the “wives issues” that are brought to me.  All I know is that I need help because my sleep and digestion are being disturbed. 

 

This morning as I was praying I remembered what I tell others in situations like this.  I explain that this is war.  Our enemy is trying to make us think there is nothing we can do about our circumstances. We are defenseless.  Hewants us to think we have no hope. This kind of attack is common to us all. There is one such battle that is well known to us.

 

             Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God."  (Matt. 4:1-3)

 

Right there, in Matthew 4, we find a pattern for warring against the devious tricks of Satan.  The weapon of our warfare is the Word of God.  When we know who we are and that we have a full quiver of “arrows” from the Word we can use them effectively to put the enemy to flight. 

 

So, now I am using the very strategy I recommend to others.

          1)  Recognize that this situation is real but is being used by Satan to disable me.

          2)  Remember that my Father did not leave me  defenseless.

          3)  Find a scripture that fits my particular challenge 

          4)  Commit that scripture to memory.

          5)  Pray the verse whenever the enemy attacks

          6)  Repeat this process as needed until the enemy  gives up this fight and goes away.

          7)  Note to self: Don’t forget the strategy; he’ll be back.

 

My Scripture for my battle:

            Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by    prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

Imagine that!

PERSONAL WALK

 . . . . It’s Me

 

Remember when George on Seinfeld coined his favorite phrase, “It’s not you. It’s me?”   This was his device to manipulate himself out of an unwanted relationship.  I have found that this phrase is also useful (and usually true) in relationships we are trying to sustain.

 

I said it years ago to my teenaged daughter when I decided to stop trying to make her the person I wanted her to be, freeing her to become the woman God intended.  I have silently said it to my husband when I decide to stop trying to make him to do what I want him to do.  I say it to those in authority over me when I decide to stop rebelling and submit.  I say it to God when I have finished having a tantrum because he allows me to endure loss or pain.  A woman in Wives Club said it recently when she wrote to us at length complaining bitterly about her trials with her husband and children, then laughingly and lovingly decided to keep them and continue to serve them as unto the Lord. (See Just Wives blog, 11/03). The Psalmist said it when he sought the Lord for mercy.

 

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
       How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
       and every day have sorrow in my heart?
       How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
       Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;  

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
       and my foes will rejoice when I fall.  

But I trust in your unfailing love;
       my heart rejoices in your salvation.

 I will sing to the LORD,

      for he has been good to me. (Psalm 13. NIV)

 

It’s not you; it’s me.  I want my own way.  I want to be spared discomfort.  I want to be a mighty women of God without persecutions (See Mark 10 29-31).  Our heavenly father understands.  He knows our human desire to have the good without the bad, to have Easter Sunday without Good Friday.  Heholds us in his arms and comforts us.  He says “My precious one, do nothing in your own strength.  Just take my hand and trust in me.  I know the way to fulfill the plans I have for you.  It’s not you, it’s Me.”

BIBLICAL WIFE

WIVES WORK!

 

Remember this list?  I posted it last summer on JUST WIVES.  We were supposed to add to it as new benefits of being a biblical wife were revealed to us. 

Being a Biblical Wife:

     1.    pleases God  (1 Pet.3:4)

2.    allows you to stand.  (Eph. 6:13)

3.    keeps you from blaming others. (Jas. 5:16)

4.    brings peace (Rom.12:18, Phil. 4:7)

5.    allows you rest. ( Matt. 11:2)

6.    allows your husband to safely trust in you. (Prov. 31:11)

7.    teaches your children to trust in God.  (Prov, 31:28)

8.    makes you beautiful  (1 Pet 3:5)

9.    gives you a gentle and quiet spirit  (1Pet 3:4)

10. helps you to face adversity. (Jas 1:2, Jude 1:24)

11. makes you a gem of great value (Prov. 31:10)

12. lets you join Christ in his suffering (1 Pet 2:22-25

13. allows you to seek God for your grievances (Phil. 4:6)

14. brings you Joy  (Rom. 15:13)

15. helps you develop Godly friendships. (Jas 5:16)

16. encourages you to be unafraid. (1 Pet. 3:6

 

Items fourteen thru sixteen were added this summer.  I want to make another addition to our list today:

       17.  helps your husband listen to your counsel. (Prov.31:11)

 

One day, after I had been struggling with myself in the area of submission for several years, my husband was telling to me about a seriousmatter at work.  I listened carefully to his plan of action, and then suggested a very different course.  I was pleasantly surprised that he considered my comments and discussed them with me.  Even though I knew little about the issue compared to him, he decided to take my approach instead of his own.  He later told me the situation turned out better than he had hoped.

 

What was remarkable about this incident was the absence of tension - you know - that feeling of entering a combat zone.  My husband listened to me!  He apparently did not feel threatened by my suggestions.  We were facing a problem as “one flesh”.  I was immediately reminded of a prayer I have prayed often since I began to pursue becoming a biblical wife.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her. . . (Prov. 31:11a KJV)

“Lord, let this be the gift I give to my husband each day.”

 

The importance of this “benefit” cannot be overstated.   As your husband’s help-meet (his suitable helper), you may be the only force standing between him and many destructive pressures.  The Holy Spirit can use you to warn him of dangers he may not see from his position as the head of the family.  I heard a story once of a woman who was the wife of a prominent national bible teacher.  She answered the telephone for him in their hotel room as he prepared for a major speech.  On the line their oldest son asked to speak to his father.  Her husband dismissed the request, telling her to tell the boy he would call him back.  The woman gently told her husband that their son needed to speak to him and placed the telephone on the table.  After taking a few minutes to talk to the boy, her husband thanked her for not letting him confuse his priorities.  Only a truly submitted woman could so adamantly defend her husband and her family.  Being a Biblical Wife is a practical matter, allowing you to do the job God intended for you from the Beginning. 

 (Got an Addition?  Send it along.)

PERSONAL WALK: Receiving Criticism 2

Not Everything That Tastes Bad Is Bad For You!

 

“When you can receive correction and reproof . . , and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart, you are dying to flesh.”

(Helen Trowbridge)

(Transcribed   fron “Drop Dead”, a sermon, August, 2001, in Blue Mountain, PA)

 

Our dear Helen (see above) has raised another issue.  Suppose you are being reproved or corrected by someone who has actually found a fault in you.   A husband, co-worker, supervisor, friend, or ministry leader confronts you with a critical comment or describes an offence you have committed.   This has a bad taste and we don’t like it.  Our natural response is to become self-protective, defending, excusing, or explaining ourselves.  We may even become angry, hostile, or combative.  The dead give-away here is the word ‘self’.   The part of our selves that shows up in these situations is the part that is supposed to die, at our own hands, once we give our lives to Jesus Christ. 

 

Colossians 3:5a, 8-9 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature . . ..  But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices. (NIV)

 

Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.(NIV)

 

This battle with our flesh continues in some form until the day we die.  What you have done before to occasion such criticism or correction is not nearly as important as what you do next.  If you are being transformed, rather than conformed to the standard of this world, my suggestion is the same as before.  “Take it for what it’s worth.”  You may, in fact, be blameless.  (Remember: Most of us have as much trouble being right as we have being wrong.)  You may owe this person thanks for revealing not only your shortcoming, but your response which needs the transforming power of the Holy Spirit so that that part of your earthly nature can DIE!

 

[Warning: Comments in this series may not sit well with you at first.  My recommendation: Take them for what they are worth.  Perhaps it will all taste better the second time you read it.  (Smile)]

 

PERSONAL WALK: Receiving Criticism

Take It For What It’s Worth

 

“When you can receive correction and reproof . . , and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart, you are dying to flesh.”

(Helen Trowbridge)

(Transcribed  from “Drop Dead”, a sermon, August, 2001, in Blue Mountain, PA)

 

Not too long ago a friend described me in a way that sounded critical.  I said nothing at the time.  Later, when I thought about it, I felt a twinge of annoyance.  However, since I know this person loves me, I decided to take the comment for what it was worth . . .an observation from someone who would not intentionally do me harm. 

 

Today my friend’s remark came back to my mind.  It suddenly occurred to me how true her statement was.  I am, in fact, the way she described me.  The aspect of my personality she was commenting on is part of me and does no harm to others; there is no sin involved.  It’s just the way I am made. She had accepted it even though I had not.  Yet.  Now, after a brief, whispered prayer, I have accepted that God does not make us all the same, and I have been allowed to develop in a particular way for a particular purpose.  Having someone point this out is not a bad thing.

 

It occurs to me that this has happened many times in my life.  My husband, my children, or my friends have commented on something I have said or done in a way I thought implied disappoval.  Unless the comment is being used as a weapon, I try to take it for what it’s worth.  Sometimes it is worth very little and can be discarded.   Sometimes God will bring it back to my remembrance and show me its purpose.  If I refuse to remain offended or resentful He may show me a need for correction, or reassure me that He has His hand in the situation.  Those who love you can be valuable mirrors for the parts of you that you cannot see or hear.  Let those comments do their work in your life.  You may be the better for it.

FORGIVENESS

but, I Can’t!

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matt.6:14 NIV)

 

The issue of forgiveness is a major one in marriage.  I know as I write this that some of you readers have suffered greatly at the hands of your loved ones.  But the requirement to forgive carries no caveats, no exceptions; we must all forgive all transgressions against us.  What shall we do?

 

“I can’t!” we cry out in the pain of memory.  “I can’t!” as we see no relief in sight.  “I can’t!” resounds as our tormentor shows no remorse, asks no forgiveness.  When you cry out to the Lord, “I can’t” is that what you truly mean?  Or do you mean “I won’t?” 

 

As your loving Father, the Lord knows you can’t.   He tolerates “I can’t” because it is an expression of your true condition.  “Can’t” means you are weak and helpless.  He created you in this weak and helpless state.  His love and compassion are aroused as he views your state just as you are compassionate at the condition of your own weak and helpless children.

 

It is “I won’t” that he cannot abide.  “Won’t” makes Him helpless because He will not violate your will.  He will not step in without your permission.  Remember, He stands at the door and knocks.  If you won’t allow Him in He can offer you no comfort. 

 

If you are struggling the Lord is with you, but you have to make a decision. You must be willing, with God’s help, to forgive those who cause you pain.  He wants you to cry out to him.  He will walk with you through this process and you will emerge on the other side with benefits you could never imagine.  Decide to trust God with your hurts.  Give them to Him; He will heal and restore.

 

(Readers: Send your questions.  There will be more to follow on this subject.)

More Love

By Comparison . . . .

Luke15:28-32 (NIV)

The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, “Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!”

“My son,” the father said, “you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.”                

Comparing ourselves to others can leave us feeling puffed-up and superior.  But God doesn’t compare us to others.  This story of the Prodigal serves to give us a glimpse of how God sees us.  It helps us consider how he views our strengths and our weaknesses.  He doesn’t see our strengths as being as wonderful as we think they are.  Nor does he judge our neighbor’s weaknesses as harshly as we do.  Loving your neighbor as yourself means understanding that his view of himself is as flawed as yours, and he thinks he is okay when he compares himself to you.  Give him the same grace you afford yourself, because, while you may berate yourself about your weaknesses you constantly congratulate yourself about your strengths as though you are somehow responsible for them. (This is a generic “you”.  It means “we”, “I”, “all of us”.  I am commenting on a human condition.) 

 

I once asked a group I was speaking to, “How many of you were the ‘older brother’ from this passage in your youth?” Those who raised their hands (including me), all bore the same pained, long-suffering expression.  What a burden it had been to us to be so diligent while others enjoyed life.  What hogwash!  We chose our lot believing it would reap its rewards (love, acceptance, praise, freedom from guilt, whatever).  Our motives are at best, suspect. Enough! 

Here is my point:  we all make sinful adaptations to our early life experiences; some positive, some negative.  Anyone, by virtue of his genealogy, temperament, personality, upbringing, or challenges, may develop attitudes, thought patterns, habits, or behaviors which we and society view as good.  This is not the righteousness of God and is of little value to him. That is why, in the eyes of God, both the prodigal and his brother sinned.  Everything about us, “good” or “bad” must be submitted to God for cleansing before it can become His righteousness.  And His is the only kind He counts.

Wise are those who look at others with the same generosity they offer themselves, and who look at themselveswith the same critical eye they have for others. (Unknown)

PEACE IN THE HOME, Part V

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."  (Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche)

 

Let the Games Begin!

 

 This phrase is usually used to announce the beginning of a sporting competition.  I mean, I could as easily have said “play ball,” but that phase is not as poetic. When many of us said “I DO” it meant the same thing: “Let the competition begin.”  Early in our marriages partners begin vying and competing for superiority in even the very smallest things.  We congratulate ourselves and criticize our spouses about personality traits and cultural differences that are part of what attracted us to them in the first place.

 

I often catch myself pressing to be “right” or “better” in relation to my husband in a circumstance where it hardly matters at all who “wins”.  Sometimes when I counsel a couple I suspect that each partner thinks I will award gold stars at the end of the session.  (I once had a wife smugly display her well-written homework to me each week knowing full well that her husband had scrawled his on a scrap of paper stuffed in his back pocket.)  Whether this trait is rooted in sibling rivalry, some childhood pressure for performance, or just plain ole pride, it is unbecoming to watch in public and destructive to the peace of the union when practiced in private. 

 

Sparring between spouses demonstrates, I think, a breach of the rules of friendship.  A good friend must overcome the twinges of envy and urges to compare and compete, in order to support and encourage the victories of the other.   A good friend seeks the success of the other, even at her own expense.

“Lord: teach us to be “friends” to our Husbands.”

READY TO WED

The One-Flesh Relationship

     For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 2:23-25(NIV)

 

As my husband and I celebrate our Forty-fifth Anniversary I consider again God’s plan for marriage.  It was God’s intention that marriage would be permanent between two people who have a “one-flesh relationship”.  The implication of one flesh is that nothing could be good for only one of them.  By definition, no single person in the marital relationship could consider ‘good’ that which did harm to the other.  The very idea would be silly if we applied it to our understanding of our own bodies.  Imagine doing something good for one part of the body that does damage to another part.  When we are considering a new prescription we immediately want to know the ‘side effects’.  If they are substantial wewant to be sure that the whole body eventually benefits.  If we cannot foresee in our actions the potential harm to the marital union we must be ready to put things right as soon as we discover it.

 

If God believed this was possible why do we set out to prove Him wrong?  We must remember that his plan only came into question after the Fall when the prince of this world caused men’s (and women’s) hearts to harden toward each other.  Lifelong marriage is possible because God said it is. 

 

Jesus continually makes mention of marriage and the bridegroom so that we can understand that this relationship was designed to work. It is compared to His relationship with the church so that we will know that it can work only when the relationship has God as its center and its focus.  How else would we overcome our persistent, pervasive, relentless selfishness - our desire to please ourselves at the expense of everything else.  We must depend on God as the source of that love that will enable us not only to stay married, but to stay passionately, intimately, and enthusiastically married until death parts us.

Ready to Wed

TIME ALONE

Being alone, unattached, single, according to I Corinthians 7, gives a person the opportunity to be “concerned about the Lord’s affairs, how he can please the Lord,” and be “devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.”  The time before we marry should not be wasted since it may well be the time God uses to prepare for marriage.  For what is more important in marriage than knowing how to please the Lord?  The Lord is pleased when we are obedient.  And according to His Word we learn this best when we are alone.   

 

What are the things we learn when we are alone that serve us in our future marriage and as the Bride of Christ?  At the urging of the Holy Spirit, who leads us into all truth, we can learn about ourselves.  We are all afflicted with an inability to see ourselves accurately.  We carry with us all of the personal characteristics that threaten to cause difficulties in marriage.  These personal flaws are alive and well by the time we are marriageable age.   The kinks in our character, as well as our sinful adaptations to our past have already been formed.  We live easily with them as single women.  When we consider marriage we must choose to allow the light of the Holy Spirit to expose them.  If we skip this step these flaws will be revealed as we try to live in intimate relationship with our spouse and children.  In our time alone, with prayer and submission, our short-comings will gradually be exposed so that we can seek the Lord’s will in removing them.  This humbling process prepares us to be better wives if only by making us more patient with the flaws of others. 

 

First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.  (Matthew 7:5NIV)