Just Ask

Just Ask

There have been several times in recent months when a wife has called me with a really desperate situation, a real threat to the security of her family.  Often she believes these circumstances have been caused by some action or neglect on the part of their husband.  He has either made a bad decision or failed to act to prevent this catastrophe.  Bill collectors are calling, something is being repossessed, or an eviction notice is on the door.  The wife is overwhelmed that the time to act has passed and now the only hope is to somehow repair and limit the damage.  She feels vulnerable and betrayed.  Can she ever trust him again?

As I listen, my heart breaks at the pain this loved one is enduring.  This is not the kind of experience she expected when she recited her vows.   Her fear, anger and disappointment can barely be contained.    How could he let this happen?  She would have been more careful, more prompt, or more efficient.  She had warned him about keeping things in order.    She is now challenging her husband, questioning his ability to lead their home, even his manhood.  But what else can she do?  She has prayed and cried.  It seems her only choice is to take over and do everything herself.  It feels like they have never been so far apart.

Listening to a wife tell a story like this I am at a loss.  I know the husband feels terrible about letting her down.  What position can she take that will not add to this destruction?  None of my usual answers about submission and headship seems adequate.  And yet I am certain that God has provided a biblical response for this wife, one that can stop the rending and begin the healing.  

I am reminded that even in times like this God did not leave us defenseless. As a wife she is called by God to help.  Her skills may actually be needed to work their way out of the mess they are in but they are not working cooperatively at this point.  Seeking God for wisdom, courage, patience and strength, she can go to her husband as his helper.

She can just ask, “What can I do to help?”  With this simple question, delivered with compassion and sincerity, the wife has placed her skills and abilities at her husband's disposal. It will certainly not make things any worse. This simple act puts the partners back into their God-assigned positions. And it may give them a chance to begin working in unity again.  What Satan would love to use for evil, the Lord can use for good.

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”         Gen 2:18 (NIV)

©Tina Green, 10/2012

Communication:  Did you Say what I Heard?

 

As usual I am looking at a communication problem back-hand-forward.  That is because that is how I usually hear it.  For instance, a woman calls me and tells me about a fight she had with her husband.  I wasn’t there so I am listening to it backwards; that is, I already know that the attempt at communication ended in a fight. So as she talks I am listening for the breakdown in communication.  While each side of the argument thinks they need to ask: “Did you hear what I said?”  Each should probably be asking “Did you say what I heard?” 

So often the discussion turns to an argument when one person responds angrily to what they think they heard.  A husband says to his wife “You are too bossy!” The wife feels she is being attacked.  Her husband is really saying “You have taken on authority that is not rightfully yours and that weakens me.”

 

A wife says “Did you put a coat on the baby when you went out?” Her husband thinks she is nagging him.  His wife is actually saying “I feel helpless when I am not there to take care of the baby and I need to be able to trust you when you act in my place.

 

Most of us are literal.  That means that though we hear words we don’t hear what our spouse is really saying.  Even in the counseling room I have to help the couple hear what is actually being said.  And of course, fear and pride often block real communication.  In stressful times we defend ourselves from what appears to be an attack or a slight with a retaliation which makes matters worst.  Taking time to ask, “Did you say what I heard?” would be beneficial, but unlikely in these situations without instruction and practice.

 

Basing ones responses in love might help.

 

Let the Games Begin!

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."  (Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche)

Let the Games Begin!

This phrase is usually used to announce the beginning of a sporting competition.  I mean, I could as easily have said “play ball,” but that phase is not as poetic. When many of us said “I DO” it meant the same thing: “Let the competition begin.”  Early in our marriages partners begin vying and competing for superiority in even the very smallest things.  We congratulate ourselves and criticize our spouses about personality traits and cultural differences that are part of what attracted us to them in the first place.

I often catch myself pressing to be “right” or “better” in relation to my husband in a circumstance where it hardly matters at all who “wins”.  Sometimes when I counsel a couple I suspect that each partner thinks I will award gold stars at the end of the session.  (I once had a wife smugly display her well-written homework to me each week knowing full well that her husband had scrawled his on a scrap of paper stuffed in his back pocket.)  Whether this trait is rooted in sibling rivalry, some childhood pressure for performance, or just plain ole pride, it is unbecoming to watch in public and destructive to the peace of the union when practiced in private. 

This practice of sparring between spouses demonstrates, I think, a breach of the rules of friendship.  A good friend must overcome the twinges of envy and urges to compare and compete, in order to support and encourage the victories of the other.   A good friend seeks the success of the other, even at her own expense.

“Lord: teach us to be “friends” to our Husbands.”

Do You Want to Get Well?

 Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years.  When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to be made well?”   The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.”  Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up your bed and walk.”  And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked.  ^{John5:5-9 NIV}

It seems strange to ask a sick man if he wants to get well but I am beginning to realize something about change: it has to be "wanted". I have met with many women who wanted me to help them change their husband or childen, but often had not made the changes I had asked of them.

Change is not all good, as anyone who tries to lose weight or quit smoking well knows. You have to give up something; something you have used to protect yourself or make you feel better.  Change (getting well) means giving up blaming others and taking responsibility for you self, your thoughts, your actions.  It means replacing self-pity with self-control.  It means you are the only reason for your circumstances and you are the only person who can fix them.

 To focus on trying to change someone else assumes they want it and yet you're the one who needs it. You need him to change. That doesn't make sense.  You need to focus on your change. If you can't really pull off real change, why would you expect to see real change in other people on your behalf.  They have no motivation or desire to make the change.  They have no reason to want to change in a way that would make your life easier. If you cannot demonstrate the change you have made, why are you expecting to see change in others?  

The question in these circumstances is: Do you want to get well?

Do Not Grow Weary

Ladies,
I am writing at this time to encourage you. All of you who have determined in your hearts to follow God’s plan for marriage and the family have, by now experienced both the joy of small miracles and the annoyance of the enemy’s opposition. He is not pleased that you have chosen God’s way and wants to scuttle your efforts.

Our Heavenly Father knows our hearts. He also knows how vulnerable we are when we love unconditionally and obediently and sometimes see no fruit. He encourages us in His Word: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Gal 6:9 NIV

And I encourage you. You have already put the enemy to flight by the power of your testimony. God will place others on you path who will see your life and want to hear the truth you have learned about marriage. Be blessed and continue to be a blessing. I carry each of you in my heart, asking the Lord to strengthen you.
Call (or text or email or tweet or FB or . . .) someone this week and lend them your support.


Tina Green 2012

Preposterous? Maybe Not.


The instructor of my bible college class once asked. “What is your favorite sin?” “That’s preposterous,” my self-righteous mind responded. “A Christian wouldn’t have a favorite sin because all sin is repugnant.” In the years since that class I have thought many times about the sins I preserve and protect in my life.

Perhaps I am alone in this. Probably not. Maybe we call it our personality, our temperament, a habit, a family trait, or “the way I am,” but we Christians do seem to have favorite sins. And, as with all things “secret,” our loved ones are often well aware of them.

The sin we want to keep is not easy to locate. It hides from us in plain sight with a voice much like our own. It comforts and coddles us and lulls us into complacency.


But there is a way to rout it out and destroy its hold. The next time your favorite sin peeks out of its hiding place – or someone points it out; don’t defend it. Confess it immediately to the Holy Spirit. Express repentance – ask for forgiveness – then sincerely invite Him to help you change.

This more-than-graphic illustration will clarify how the process works: You come home from working out; you hang your t-shirt on the bathroom door knob, and jump into the shower thinking, “Perhaps I’ll just wear it again tomorrow.” But when you get out of that shower, feeling fresh and clean you head straight to the hamper with that smelly shirt, barely able to touch it. You didn’t notice how dirty the shirt was; you couldn’t even smell it, until you were clean.


Once you and your favorite sin have been exposed to the Holy Spirit’s cleansing power you will find the sin intolerable.


Tina Green 2012

WHAT DOES IT REALLY SAY?

True Love: A Real Valentine

A couples group was asked to read several versions of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. The versions used were NIV, KJ, NKJ, AMPL, TLB, New English, and The Message. The group was asked to list what a true lover will do and what a true lover will not do. When the project was completed couples were asked to insert their loved one’s name and read it to their partner. This is their finished product.


Because I love you, ________, I will never give up on you. I will not envy you or become jealous of you. I will not boast about what I have done for you. I will not be proud or haughty. I will not try to draw attention to myself at your expense. I will not be conceited, arrogant, prideful, or rude. It will not always be “Me, first”. I will not insist on my rights or on having my own way. I will not be self-seeking. I will not be touchy, resentful, or fretful. I will not recount evil you have committed against me. I will not hold grudges or keep track of the wrongs I have suffered. I will not become easily angered or frustrated. I will not want more from you than you can give. I will not force my wishes upon you.


Because I love you, _______, I will be patient with you and kind to you. I will rejoice in the truth about you. I will protect you and trust you. I will always be hopeful about you and my hope will endure under all circumstances. I will persevere. I will endure and bear up under anything and everything that comes our way without weakening. I will ever be ready to believe the best about you. You can trust me. I will always want what is best for you. My love will never fade or become obsolete. My love for you will never end.

How about sending (or reading) this to your loved one(s) on Valentines Day?

Posted annually.
©Tina Green 2/2008

A STORY

THE FARMER’S SON

(An ancient fable, origin unknown)

A farmer farmed on land that belonged to the king. From time to time he would send gifts to the king to show how well he was doing. One day he sent his son to take a calf to the king. The boy started off with the calf but the calf saw some green grass it wanted to eat. Soon it had wandered so far away that the boy could not catch him. When he told his father what happened his father said, “When you take a calf to the king, tie a rope around its neck and pull it behind you.”


Soon after that, the father gave his son a small bag of gold coins to take to the king. The boy carefully tied a rope around the bag and pulled it behind him. When he came to the castle he presented an empty bag. All the coins had fallen out of a big hole caused by dragging the bag along the bumpy road. The boy’s father later told him, “When you take coins to the king, place them in your cap and put the cap on your head.”


Later the boy was asked to take some fresh butter to the king. He immediately put the butter in his cap and put in on his head. When the warm sun came out and beat upon his head, the butter melted and ran down his cheeks. When he arrived back home his father told him, “To take butter to the king, my son, you put it in a large bowl filled with cool water and cover it with a towel.


When his father asked him to take a fine laying hen to the king, the boy remembered the instructions. He put the hen in a large bowl full of cool water and put a towel over it. When he got to the palace he presented the king with a drowned chicken.



I don’t remember the end of this story, but I often think of it when I counsel couples. People seeking help will diligently apply the right instruction in the wrong situation and then they can’t figure out why it didn’t work. Many also do this with the Word of God. They want to apply the instruction to their partner, rather than applying it to their own hearts so that the meaning of the instruction can be made clear to them for their circumstance. Good counsel is useless if it is not applied intelligently. Seek the Lord’s wisdom before you try to follow advice from another source.


Tina Green © 2006