COMMUNICATION III

Something New

Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (1 Peter 3:4 NIV)

 

At a recent meeting the wives were discussing how often we say unnecessary things to our husbands. It seems most of us feel compelled to tell them when they have “slipped up”.  You know, things like:  You forgot to get the milk.  Why did you buy that color?  When are you going to fix the curtain rod?  You never remember anything I ask you to do. You always leave things till the last minute.

 

What would happen, we wondered, if we just didn't mention it?  One woman who was very new to the group decided she this was an area she wanted to correct.  Her gracious Heavenly Father gave her a chance to try it as soon as she got home from the meeting.  As she put her key in the door the faint aroma of burnt food wafted toward her.  Oh, no!  she thought.  My sauce!  She had given her husband instructions to rescue the sauce she had left simmering on the stove.  Images of her usual reaction to such an event flashed through her mind.  But, she wanted to try something new.

 

In the kitchen she found her husband attempting to clean up the mess.  She took a deep breath and greeted him warmly.  She put her things away and returned to the kitchen to help him.  His expression of horror slowly turned to relief as she scrubbed the pot and chatted about her meeting and his evening with their son. 

 

They were together when they happily related this story to me.  She reported that she had experienced a sense of joy for the rest of that evening.  To my surprise, he reported that after the initial shock, his wife’s reaction actually strengthened him.  I am not going to pretend that I understand that comment, but it seemed to hold all kinds of benefits for his wife that she could never have expected from her “usual reaction”.  I could sense a new closeness between them.

 

Since our usual reactions don’t usually work, we might as well try something new.

 

 

 

COMMUNICATION II

GETTING THE MESSAGE

 

My husband used to be a little withdrawn if I came home later than he did.  Our conversation would be strained for a bit.  I never understood this.  I thought he was being controlling and self-centered and did not appreciate how busy my days are.  I would actually dread coming in after him.  Who needs this!  After all, his hours were very erratic and I have never complained!

 

One day I came home from an evening church meeting and found the young woman who lived with us sitting in her car outside.  She had come from the same church meeting.  As she got out of her car to walk in with me I asked what she was waiting for.  “I was waiting for you,” she said.  “I knew you were right behind me but I didn’t want to go in without you.  I didn’t want to have to explain where you were.”  Okay, now I really don’t get it.

 

The next day I took my husband’s car for a doctor’s appointment because my van was too tall for the underground garage.  Returning home I turned the cornerof my street and saw the top of my green van in our driveway at the end of the street.  I felt a sense of relief mixed with delight.  “He’s home!” I thought.  Instantly I understood!

 

I greeted my husband and told him the experience I had just had.  “Yeh,” he said with an embarrassed smile.  “When I turn the corner and see your van I know everything is all right.  When it isn’t there I start to wonder where you are and when you will get here and if you are safe.  It changes my mood.  I know it’s silly but I can’t help it. I’ve been away all day and I just need to see you.”

 

How easy it had been for me ascribe negative motives to his very normal, very loving reaction.  Once we had talked about it I tried harder to be home when he arrived and he tried harder to understand when I wasn’t. 

 

My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.  Song of Solomon 2:14 (NIV)

 

 

COMMUNICATION I

Guarding Marriage

Every marriage is in danger if communication is not carefully guarded.  That sometimes means being careful not to respond out of hurt feelings, wounded pride, or thoughts of desperation.  Once when my husband and I were going through a rough patch we were having protracted heated discussions.  This took place over a period of weeks whenever the children were out of earshot.  At one point, in complete exhaustion my husband said, “I don’t know.  Maybe marriages like ours (career military) just can’t make it.”  

 

Actually, several marriages in our circle had recently broken up.  I realize now that if I had responded out of pride or hurt or fear we would have been in serious trouble.  I also realize now that my husband’s comment was an expression of his fears.  But I just turned into a crazy woman.  “What are you talking about?”  I screamed.  “No one and nothing outside the two of us is going to determine how long we stay married.  This marriage is not up for grabs.  It does not belong to the Marine Corps: itbelongs to us.  What is happening now is not a threat to our marriage because we are not giving that up.  We just have to find a way to work through this but it has nothing to do with our staying married!”  I was literally shrieking at him, as close up as I could get.  I was protecting the most important thing in my (natural) life: my marriage!  As I held on to him I saw what looked like relief in his face.  Until that moment he wasn’t sure how much trouble we were in.  He was from a broken home and he wanted to know if I was giving up.  By suggesting that this problem could end our marriage, he had put it all in perspective for me. 

 

Wives, sometimes we are the guardians of our marriages.  Take a stand for the marriage and assume that everything else can be worked out.  It may not turn out that way but it is the best place to start.