DID YOU KNOW. . .:

It’s not about the Baby!

“But, she loves the baby.”  This is the comment parents usually make while struggling to understand the behavior of an older child when the new baby arrives.   Whether or not it is true, it is irrelevant.  Sibling rivalry has very little to do with the baby.  It has to do with sharing - sharing time, sharing attention, sharing the people each child knows are essential to his well-being.  It has to do with fear of loss.  And everyone feels it. 

 

Things Are Different

Mom and Dad know things will be different around the house, and they have time to prepare for it.  Dr. Jerry King, in his book, Marriage: A Kingdom Perspective discusses parental responses to the arrival of a new baby.

 

The father is often surprised by the degree of jealousy and anger he feels.  It slips up on him and catches him off guard.  Among the factors is a deep sense of guilt and shame these emotions bring when contrasted with the intense love and pride that he also feels. 

(p. 52)

Dealing with such conflicting feelings presents adults with a tough challenge. How much more overwhelmingthey must be to preschool siblings. These feelings don’t go away quickly.  A happy, competent 3-year-old began soiling her pants when her brother was 15-months-old. Other hints led her parents to suspect she was competing with the baby.  Why did she wait so long to show it?  It took that long for him to threaten her world.  After a few days of intensive reassuring, she was willing to try being a big girl again.

 

If you have a baby or are expecting a new arrival, address sibling rivalry in your prayer time.  Ask God to show you what your older children might be feeling.  Remain faithful to family nights, family devotions, and other routines.  Remember the newcomer is only one member of the family.   Both Mom and Dad can establish a special time with each child and mark it on the calendar.  Twenty to thirty minutes of predictable time is better than three hours, now and then.   And, relax.  She probably really does love the baby.