The Apology
"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24(NIV)
I am learning to apologize. This is not such a simple matter. There are two sides to forgiveness: giving it and asking for it. Turns out neither is easy or comes naturally. And, the Word of God raises a high standard either way. Usually when we realize we have offended someone we begin to justify our words or actions. We search ourselves to see if we did anything wrong. Having cleared ourselves, we decide that other person, our friend, neighbor, or loved one, should not have been offended for we meant no harm.
If we didn’t do anything wrong then we have no responsibility for our victim’s condition. They are too sensitive and should develop a tougher hide. No one else would have reacted so irrationally to such a small event. Why all the fuss? And, anyway, they have done this or that to us many times.
If we offer an apology with this attitude it is not likely to be effective. One of the worst and most used of all apologies is the If I apology. It goes “I am sorry if I offended you” instead of “I’m sorry that I offended you.” The latter accepts responsibility; the former suggests the victim has some mental or perceptual defect. It is difficult for us to see how we are accountable for our victim.. But, they are wounded! Often our anger and hurt rises to meet theirs and there is stony silence between us.
And yet - the scripture above places the responsibility upon us. It seems that, offender or offended, we cannot escape responsibility. Each is required to forgive; each is required to seek forgiveness.
What is actually needed for a proper apology is a change of heart. If my loved one, brother, or neighbor is offended or hurt, it’s not about me. Would I be so cavalier if someone else had wounded or hurt him? Well, now I am the culprit. And the victim is not me but someone I love, or am called to love. So, I must apologize and ask forgiveness. It is really all I can do about the pain he is suffering.
I came across an all-purpose apology in a small book in a greeting card store. In essence it said:
I am sorry that I said ______or did ______ that offended you today.
(Always name the offense, if you know it.)
Please forgive me. I love you and I never want to hurt you.
That is simple enough for even me to understand.
©Tina Green 2010
If we didn’t do anything wrong then we have no responsibility for our victim’s condition. They are too sensitive and should develop a tougher hide. No one else would have reacted so irrationally to such a small event. Why all the fuss? And, anyway, they have done this or that to us many times.
If we offer an apology with this attitude it is not likely to be effective. One of the worst and most used of all apologies is the If I apology. It goes “I am sorry if I offended you” instead of “I’m sorry that I offended you.” The latter accepts responsibility; the former suggests the victim has some mental or perceptual defect. It is difficult for us to see how we are accountable for our victim.. But, they are wounded! Often our anger and hurt rises to meet theirs and there is stony silence between us.
And yet - the scripture above places the responsibility upon us. It seems that, offender or offended, we cannot escape responsibility. Each is required to forgive; each is required to seek forgiveness.
What is actually needed for a proper apology is a change of heart. If my loved one, brother, or neighbor is offended or hurt, it’s not about me. Would I be so cavalier if someone else had wounded or hurt him? Well, now I am the culprit. And the victim is not me but someone I love, or am called to love. So, I must apologize and ask forgiveness. It is really all I can do about the pain he is suffering.
I came across an all-purpose apology in a small book in a greeting card store. In essence it said:
I am sorry that I said ______or did ______ that offended you today.
(Always name the offense, if you know it.)
Please forgive me. I love you and I never want to hurt you.
That is simple enough for even me to understand.
©Tina Green 2010
1 comment:
Thank you for this post. Just last week, I thought some of the words you listed, only to find that the power of forgiveness is in yielding my right to be right. The simplicity of the sample apology provides a script to follow.
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