Toward the Goal

(By request: First posted March 2006)

 

 . . . do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.Col 3:21(NIV)

How often we read that scripture without knowing how to apply it to ourselves.  We do the tough job of setting and enforcing limits to the best of our ability,  as God requires, seeking His guidance and direction.  We recognize the child’s will seeks its own way.  Sometimes we seem to be in a battle for our very lives - and theirs.  Yet, we are admonished not to cause them to become discouraged, dispirited, or  disheartened. 

 

In the book Self-Confrontation, a manual for training Christian counselors, the authors list thirty-one ways that parents embitter their children.  As I read them it seems that the way parents provoke their children is by focusing on themselves rather than on God’s plan for the child.  We focus on our fears, anger, frustration, impatience, embarrassment, pride, fatigue, uncertainty, or disappointment.  Then we address our child’s behavior or requests.  Often the child reacts to our motivation and becomes angry.

 

When my daughter was twelve years old she was invited by a classmate to a party given by the other child’s older siblings.  It would certainly not be the proper environment for a pre-teen.  I told my daughter she was too young for this party and left her sobbing angrily on the front steps.  I was annoyed that I had to deal with this problem at this point in my day.  Why didn’t she know not to make such a ridiculous request?  When I was her age I would have known better.  But, as I walked into the kitchen, God gave me a momentary glimpse of my own twelve-year-old world,  How often  I cried as I dealt with the challenges of being not yet grown up but not still a child. 

 

My goal was right.  My answer was right.  But, my focus was wrong, and my child was angry.   With the memory of my own youth fresh in my mind, I went back to my daughter, took her in my arms, and held her tight.  I expressed sadness that she was so disappointed.  I told her I was sorry this party had not been planned with her in mind, and I hoped there would be an appropriate one soon.  As we talked, the anger dissolved.  No.  I couldn’t change my answer, but I did change my attitude.  I put her feelings ahead of my own.  My daughter saw that I was really on her side.  She saw that, in setting the limits, I was doing what God required me to do, not just spoiling her fun.  We planned another activity for the day of the party. 

 

Our goal as parents is to providediscipline and structure for our children so that we can bring them up in the fear of the Lord.  To do this they must see us submitting our wills to Jesus and see Him working in us.

TG © 1998