PUTTING IT BACK TOGETHER
(This is a departure from my usual subject matter, but my commitment to marriage requires that I address solutions to real problems )
There is a book titled “First You Cry”. The book is actually about breast cancer, but it is clearly what happens after you learn that your husband has cheated on you. A Christian woman has the option, but not the obligation to take back her erring husband. After the crying you have to understand that you have work to do. You need to make an appointment for a gynecological examination and A.I.D.S. test. You need to check your finances to see if you have been compromised. You must particularly investigate the status of your rent or mortgage, automobile, and utility payments. Very few men can actually afford a mistress. Check your legal status and determine if you may be legally accountable for any of your husband’s actions. Is there a pregnancy or a child involved?
If your husband has left the home you have to determine if allowing him to return is best for you and your family. He may have decided when to leave, but you decide if and when he returns. Unfortunately, mostmen believe that, if you allow them back, they can just pick up where they leftoff. As tempting as it may be to welcome him with open arms, a wife needs to act wisely. If your husband remains in the home the following guidelines still apply. You should:
Begin to pray for guidance in this area.
Examine the scriptures, with help if necessary so that you know what the Word says about adultery and reconciliation. (If you don’t know your spouse and friends will confuse you.)
Give yourself time for healing and true forgiveness
Guard against allowing anger and hurt to slide into bitterness.
Conduct a courageous assessment of your own sinful attitudes and behaviors. Confess your sins and repent. (We cannot ask God to be a part of our sin)
Determine what needs your husband has that you have consciously refused to meet (You are taking responsibility for your actions, not his!)
Decide when you want him back (or if you want him to stay.) Do not be coerced by spouse, family or friends. Don’t be overly eager.
Set conditions with which he must agree to comply.
When she has settled the matter in her heart and begun to heal, a wife needs to decide the circumstances under which she would be comfortable having her spouse return. All stipulations and requirements should be clearly stated and agreed upon before any reconciliation. Some suggested procedures (depending on the circumstances) are:
Individual counseling for both parties.
Group counseling (physical abuse, substance abuse, sexual addiction) 1 yr. min.
Marriage counseling
Pastoral counseling to establish chain of authority and accountability. Both of you need to be submitted to pastoral headship
Accountability partner (min. 1 year)
Coaching couple (a couple from the church to walk with you as you mend)
Husbands seeking to return to the marriage must be willing to court and pursue their wives in order to win their trust. They must also understand that they need to be more accountable to their wives for their schedule. They should be willing to check in when the schedule changes. The couple should make new rules about their relationship including family prayer, family discussions and the family schedule (mealtimes, etc.). Make rules about discussing the particulars of the affair. This may require third party intervention with someone you both trust. No “sniping” allowed. Once it is discussed it is not to be referred to again except, if necessary, in counseling.
There are no “quick fixes” for sexual infidelity. The biblical requirement to forgive does not necessarily include reconciliation. That is a separate issue which may take many months to resolve to the satisfaction of all concerned. There is an ancient riddle: What is the hardest thing to gain and the easiest thing to lose? Answer: TRUST! The offender must understand that being restored to his previous position may take longer than he expects.
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